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Midnight Mangler - May (currently 420 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 5:41pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Midnight Mangler by David Berkowitz - In a city gripped by fear, the Midnight Mangler stalks his next victim. Short, Horror |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:52pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Written very well. Loved the noir vibe. Twist was okay. Not sure it measured up the the first 3 quarters of the story though...which was pretty awesome.
Nice entry writer!! |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:05pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I enjoyed this. Writing was fine and I enjoyed the supernatural twist, even though it came a little out of left field. That being said, it's hard to deliver a great twist in 2 pages, so good work on that. My only thing was one bit of dialogue:
WOMAN Midnight Mangler, huh? It’s almost dawn.
I think you can do without that dialogue there. If she is the Midnight Mangler, then why would she be suggesting that the intruder is the Midnight Mangler?
Other than that, nice work.
-- Michael |
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Zack |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:38pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4497 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Writing is on point here. Some great suspense with the Man sneaking through the window. But the twist kinda comes out of nowhere. It's not a bad concept. Just feel like it could have been set up a bit better. Dialog could also be better. Still, I enjoyed this one. |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:06pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
I really liked this one.
Nice premise and I liked how you turned the "victim" into the killer and all done in 2 pages.
great work |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:07pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Action and description were pretty solid.
The dialogue was pretty average.
Overall - decent effort here |
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Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:43pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer, Someone's been watching Netflix lately The writing isn't too bad but the story is pretty average. I think this was probably one of the easiest routes to take in this challenge and it just left me wanting. Just not anything too original here. All the best. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - May 12th, 2021, 4:52am | | |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:53pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
A decent script that feels a little predictable. Two scripts that I've read in this contest alone feel like they are versions of this "pursued turns the tables" story. It almost would be more surprising at this point if the pursuer did just kill his victim.
Good writing and atmosphere though. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:51am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Nice writing and story, the dialogue felt a bit cheesy.
The vampire angle was unexpected.
Good work |
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:51am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts789 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Nice vampire twist but not unpredictable. And a decent writing. The dialog had a couple of typos. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:45am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Nice vampire twist, good writing, good job! |
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Reply: 10 - 21 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:21am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Good twist - unexpected. The dialogue post-reveal could use a bit of work but, overall, nicely done. Good work, writer. |
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bert |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:35am |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Saw the textbook switcheroo coming from a mile away, unfortunately.
Nice book-ending with the news reports -- would recommend giving those a bit more flair, as you could extend the VO over the action and create even more tension that way.
Make the man less generic, give him a line or two of dialogue along the way. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:35pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4322 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Decent effort, twist was there... just a little convenient I guess.
Good effort. |
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Gum |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:30pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Not sure if he (intruder) is the Midnight Mangler, or the Vampiress? If it’s him, the city can now sleep, but if it’s her… this shit will be going on forever. Good concept actually; she feeds, then mangles them to make it look like a psycho, and no one’s the wiser there’s a vampire living amongst them, just some psycho that continues to elude the police, then move to another country and do it all over again… ok, now I’m wandering. Anyway, this had a sugary lemon bomb/bloody Mary type twist, best of luck. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:38pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Seeing a lot of these victim who turns out not to be one. Not your fault, with 25 scripts there's bound to be repeats. I just wish there was some further angle you could find. I do like murdering vampires though. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:14pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Tough luck for the Midnight Mangler that he ran up against a vampire. It's a twist, alright, but one that's been done before, so maybe a further twist could have been added. Something like MM turning out to be a werewolf. |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:43pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Seems to be a theme running rampant through these scripts of being followed and then trying for a twist on that. I guess a question I have is why is she running from the guy if she can overpower him in any event? Was it just to lure him to the apartment? Why would she gasp at finding out he’s in the apartment? I wouldn’t think she’d be afraid of him, but maybe I’m missing something. Still, it’s a fun story with a clever little twist in what she really is. Good job here. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 3:59pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Better be a Stone’s reference in here…
Wasn’t sure if she’s the Mangler or it’s him?
Writing has a nice flow to it. A little too stock perhaps - lone woman followed home before turning the tables. First vampire I’ve read of the bunch so there’s that. Functional for the challenge and decently handled for what it is, just a little too familiar to leave much of a lasting impression. |
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Rob |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 4:53pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
This was simple, but effective. I like the opening descriptions. My favorite one so far (but I've only read four). |
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ReneC |
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 12:41pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
It all looked so good when I imagined filming this. In hindsight, it is quite pedestrian, but that's the beauty of these quick challenges, there isn't much time to reevaluate, you just commit and execute. Thanks for the feedback, it's always appreciated.
For those who aren't sure what happened, the man was indeed the Midnight Mangler, he just happened to pick the wrong victim (the line is in there). Lucky for her she can continue killing and people will just keep on blaming it on the serial killer, so she's safe and secure for a while.
She wasn't running from him either. The sun was coming up, that's why she was hurrying home. I didn't want to draw any attention to that though or it would have given away the twist. And I imagine in a world where there are vampires, there are also vampire hunters, or some other threat, so she still needs to be cautious about being followed. |
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Andrew |
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 5:01pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1791 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
The thing that stood out to me most was the visual of the guy climbing through the window.
Really helpled me to imagine the whole scene and mood.
The story itself is similar to a few I've read, but this one gets the most out of the premise, IMO. |
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