|
Author |
Monster - May (currently 1034 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 5:42pm |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Monster by XOXO - A teenage girl is pursued by a shadowy figure after an embarrassing incident. Short, Thriller |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
Logged |
Online |
|
|
|
spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:55pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Hmmm... the writing was okay, a little wordy in the descriptions at parts, not super smooth. But good enough. There was some tension as the shadowy figure was following Callie home but the twist at the end felt very, very anticlimactic. And as much as I like the message, the dialogue feels forced and heavy-handed in delivering that message. Almost had an after school special vibe. Good effort, though.
-- Michael |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 26 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:17pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Okay - not at all your fault - but 80% of the scripts I have read now have the stereotypical someone being followed... it is starting to wear.
But looking at this with fresh eyes - I appreciate the effort and the sentiment - it just felt forced to me. COuldn;t quite get why an otherwise kind doppelganger would stalk her in a fearful fashion |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 26 |
|
|
mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:58pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Wasn't expecting any positive affirmation messaging in any of these scripts. LOL. But I do like the idea of that ALOT. Not sure that specific twist packs enough of a punch for this particular challenge...but it's still a nice idea.
Writing is a bit wordy in this. Could definitely use a trim to quicken the pace. |
| boop |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 26 |
|
|
ReneC |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:32pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Okay...the message is great, but it's the opposite of a sting. A doppelganger, if it's really like a folklore doppelganger and therefore supernatural, would be fine except visually it's just Callie talking to herself, so it's just in her head. The symbolism is heavy (looking over her shoulder, literally in a closet) and while that speaks well for the message, it was a bit on the nose for me.
The writing seemed hurried to me, maybe a last minute entry? It's good but hints at better. And, yeah, festivals would eat it up for the message, so well done. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 26 |
|
|
Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:40pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
I like the message, but the film feels like all this unnecessary setup for someone to look directly at you and say "being gay does not make you a monster". There really seemed to be no reason to have the movie before it. It is kind of odd to have positivity seem like a stalker for someone who feels so negative about herself, but I wish it could've ended feeling like a movie rather than a speech. |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 26 |
|
|
Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:09pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Damn this came off preachy. Do we really not know in 2021 that it's okay to be gay? I recently wrote a box ticking feature that has a similar message, I wrote it with my tongue firmly in my cheek tough. It's a great message but we get it already.
Not for me.
All the best. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 26 |
|
|
Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:05am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
A bit on the nose and preachy for me - you could get the same message across more subtly and actually involving a plot.
Best of luck |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 26 |
|
|
Gum |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:48am |
|
|
Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
This came off more like an ‘After School Special’, which isn’t a bad thing per se, just reminded me of the true color messages they used to push, always dripping with a wee bit o’ fromage. That being said, the kicker here, or twist is, she’s being chased by her own fears… can’t escape yourself, that whole chestnut. I think you did a fair job for the challenge, and with a positive vibe. Best of luck. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 26 |
|
|
Yuvraj |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:08am |
|
|
Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts779 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
This is overwritten. Good message but needs a solid rewrite. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 26 |
|
|
MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:53am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Nice build-up and a good message, the ending just felt flat. If she knew about her doppelganger and she's really nice, why be scared of it? |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 26 |
|
|
JEStaats |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:17am |
|
|
Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Definitely had a twist/reveal from a thriller to a PSA. Low-budget and fit the bill. Good work, writer. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 26 |
|
|
Pleb |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:27am |
|
|
LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
I'd echo what others have said, especially in regards to the preachiness, plus I'd suggest cutting down the amount of characters in the first scene. Four characters when there could have been two or at most three just made it unnecessarily confusing for me.
Good luck |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 26 |
|
|
Spqr |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 11:04am |
|
|
Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
This presents a good life lesson, and the shadow figure following her turning out to be herself is a good twist, but then instead of an ending we get a lecture. What if the Doppleganger doesn't confront Callie, but instead proceeds to kill herself because the world has beat her down so much? The Doppelgänger then fades away, and Callie comes out of the closet, vowing to confront life on her own terms. |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 26 |
|
|
Geezis |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:56pm |
|
|
January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
A nice tale of positive reinforcement and tolerance. Maybe could have ended on a darker note though to add an extra dimension to the twist. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 26 |
|
|