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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Monster - May
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  Author    Monster - May  (currently 1034 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Monster by XOXO - A teenage girl is pursued by a shadowy figure after an embarrassing incident.  Short, Thriller


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spesh2k
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm... the writing was okay, a little wordy in the descriptions at parts, not super smooth. But good enough. There was some tension as the shadowy figure was following Callie home but the twist at the end felt very, very anticlimactic. And as much as I like the message, the dialogue feels forced and heavy-handed in delivering that message. Almost had an after school special vibe. Good effort, though.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
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eldave1
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - not at all your fault - but 80% of the scripts I have read now have the stereotypical someone being followed... it is starting to wear.

But looking at this with fresh eyes - I appreciate the effort and the sentiment - it just felt forced to me.  COuldn;t quite get why an otherwise kind doppelganger would stalk her in a fearful fashion


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mmmarnie
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Wasn't expecting any positive affirmation messaging in any of these scripts. LOL. But I do like the idea of that ALOT. Not sure that specific twist packs enough of a punch for this particular challenge...but it's still a nice idea.

Writing is a bit wordy in this. Could definitely use a trim to quicken the pace.


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ReneC
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Okay...the message is great, but it's the opposite of a sting. A doppelganger, if it's really like a folklore doppelganger and therefore supernatural, would be fine except visually it's just Callie talking to herself, so it's just in her head. The symbolism is heavy (looking over her shoulder, literally in a closet) and while that speaks well for the message, it was a bit on the nose for me.

The writing seemed hurried to me, maybe a last minute entry? It's good but hints at better. And, yeah, festivals would eat it up for the message, so well done.


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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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I like the message, but the film feels like all this unnecessary setup for someone to look directly at you and say "being gay does not make you a monster". There really seemed to be no reason to have the movie before it. It is kind of odd to have positivity seem like a stalker for someone who feels so negative about herself, but I wish it could've ended feeling like a movie rather than a speech.
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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi writer,

Damn this came off preachy. Do we really not know in 2021 that it's okay to be gay? I recently wrote a box ticking feature that has a similar message, I wrote it with my tongue firmly in my cheek tough. It's a great message but we get it already.

Not for me.

All the best.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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A bit on the nose and preachy for me - you could get the same message across more subtly and actually involving a plot.

Best of luck


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Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
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Gum
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:48am Report to Moderator
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This came off more like an ‘After School Special’, which isn’t a bad thing per se, just reminded me of the true color messages they used to push, always dripping with a wee bit o’ fromage. That being said, the kicker here, or twist is, she’s being chased by her own fears… can’t escape yourself, that whole chestnut. I think you did a fair job for the challenge, and with a positive vibe. Best of luck.
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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This is overwritten. Good message but needs a solid rewrite.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Nice build-up and a good message, the ending just felt flat. If she knew about her doppelganger and she's really nice, why be scared of it?


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JEStaats
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Definitely had a twist/reveal from a thriller to a PSA. Low-budget and fit the bill. Good work, writer.
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Pleb
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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I'd echo what others have said, especially in regards to the preachiness, plus I'd suggest cutting down the amount of characters in the first scene. Four characters when there could have been two or at most three just made it unnecessarily confusing for me.

Good luck


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Spqr
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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This presents a good life lesson, and the shadow figure following her turning out to be herself is a good twist, but then instead of an ending we get a lecture. What if the Doppleganger doesn't confront Callie, but instead proceeds to kill herself because the world has beat her down so much? The Doppelgänger then fades away, and Callie comes out of the closet, vowing to confront life on her own terms.
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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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A nice tale of positive reinforcement and tolerance. Maybe could have ended on a darker note though to add an extra dimension to the twist.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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