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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Monster - May
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  Author    Monster - May  (currently 1033 views)
bert
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Huh.  Different.  Certainly unexpected, which is worth something in a competition such as this.

It raises the question of what, exactly, Callie was running from in the first place.  I mean, herself, right?

I would call it thought-provoking to some extent.  Not a bad script.  The cell phone seems an unnecessary detail, but apart from that, there is little to complain about.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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The ending falls flat for me, a bit too OTN.

Maybe more could be made of the metaphor her getting back into the closet? Like she nearly told the girls earlier but is chased back into the closet by her won fear... spitballing.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Zack
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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Good message, but the writing itself is subpar. Twist doesn't land well.

Lost of missing scene-headers, particularly on the last page.

This one is a mixed bag.
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irish eyes
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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It was different I'll give you that.

Gay in 2021 not exactly a revelation.
A slight twist to which I was expecting more instead we got a lecture...
Positive message but not a riviting read

It was ok


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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty much a letdown from beginning to end.  Same tired pursuit story, and when you got to the twist, it just became a preachy, on the nose, rehash of an issue that shouldn't be an issue anymore.  Disappointing in the direction you took it when you had all sorts of options at your disposal.  Better luck next time.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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FrankM
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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The inability to change the distance to her pursuer has me thinking it's (at least metaphorically) her own shadow.

I thought cellphones not working was a hallmark of the horror genre

Okay, the twist was that we didn't get the twist in almost every other pursuit story? So, it's original in that respect. With a little bit of breathing room, the sermon at the end could get broken up into something bearable.

There are parts of the world where it is not safe to be a gay in high school, even in the US. But anyone contributing to that problem isn't going to see this short at any festival that would carry it. That's not a criteria of the challenge though. Cut it enough to fit inside 60 seconds, and you could have a PSA on your hands.

The only criteria-related bit is having a soccer team may blow the "preferably" low budget for its length.

Should have used minislugs when inside the house, but I can see why they're absent (out of space on the page). Probably also why the final blocks of dialog are so long... breaking them up with action would spill onto a thrid page.

Nice effort!


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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LC
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 5:50am Report to Moderator
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Pretty cool story. You can't run from yourself and who you really are.
I strangely thought the doppleganger was a bit of an anti-climax, even though in principle I like the idea.

I don't know... Some other element felt like it was missing for me, but at the same time I liked it.


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MarkItZero
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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I really like what you're going for. It's hard to express that in two pages. But I'd definitely try to cut out the dialogue at the very end. Have all the events that happen to her be an expression of that message instead.

It could be this doppelganger is some deformed version of herself, only for her to find out it's her insecurity that's distorting it. Or, there's no doppelganger and she herself is turning into a monster - and by embracing it the transformation becomes something beautiful. Those are random brain fart ideas. You'll have your own unique expression of it that'll be much better.

With a few more pages to work with I think this could be really good.


That rug really tied the room together.
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stevemiles
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Kind of title that either delivers in spades or ends up feeling like a placeholder. Let's see...

A little too didactic and direct for my tastes.  Elements of horror/thriller in the set-up but the payoff didn’t really swing towards either.  More a ‘be proud of who you are’ moment than the torn to shreds by the woodchipper/monster/evil entity I’ve come to expect.  Nothing wrong with it, just doesn’t seem to fit the parameters on this one.  Maybe one to return to with a more subtle approach.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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This is yet another script where I like the concept, but the execution just falls flat -- mainly because it's so incredibly on the nose. I mean, she literally comes out of the closet.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Bort
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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I think I have an idea of who wrote this one.

Inverts the evil twin/doppelganger trope on its head. You could even argue the doppelganger is just a figment of Callie's imagination, a part of her persona personified.

The dialogue could use some punching up but a good entry in my book.
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Andrew
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Personally, I thought those initial moments where we see the interplay between the girls held real promise to then introduce horror within the situation.

It then shifted away to more of a comforting message, which made it feel a little genre confused to me.

You had the tension with Tanya and Kacie, but it never goes beyond that, so for the sake of economy I think you would better making that scene just Sophie and Callie if you don't make use of the tension with the other two characters.


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