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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  First Born - May
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  Author    First Born - May  (currently 613 views)
irish eyes
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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More of a comedy feel than anything.

The writing was good and it was a cute use of the 2 pages... Non American writer using TYRE.

It was so-so for me.

Good job on entering


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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Brilliant.  Absolutely first rate with me.  A great twist and well-written to boot.  Well-done.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Spqr
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
New


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Very good take on all the myriad "got to get to the expectant mother to the hospital" TV episodes. And more fun, because all those other shows pretty much look the same.
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FrankM
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 12:36am Report to Moderator
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Opening action block and I'm wondering if you wrote this with a thesaurus on your lap. Or maybe that's common parlance on your side of the Pond?

Was going to comment on how stilted and on-the-nose the dialog read, but having seen the twist this is exactly how expectant parents rehearse things That makes the logline a bit misleading, though.

Fantastically unnecessary risk by the parents. This kid is screwed.

Good job!


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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LC
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 1:44am Report to Moderator
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I think you have to suspend logic and disbelief here.

It really was a suspenseful ride - perhaps a few near misses for comedic effect, like John suggested.
Overall though, you had me.

A good entry from left field.
Nice work.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 7:13am Report to Moderator
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"Dangerously weaving through other traffic and ignoring red lights, the car screeches to a stop outside the emergency department." With a pregnant woman in the back seat.....as a test run! That's nuts and only really works as a comedy sketch but points for thinking outside the box for sure!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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bert
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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What??  Hahaha -- no, no, this script was not for me.

Well-written.  Beetroot implies some kind of coastal elite pulling a fast one with this script.

I might even know who this is, and they are talented beyond what is displayed here.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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stevemiles
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Logic of the situation aside, I can't deny I liked the twist.  I thought he’d die or was already dead or some such horror to come but it was a surprise.  Elements of thriller in the set-up but overall I’m not sure it’s a fit for the challenge.  Feels more light-hearted.  One to come back to though.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Claudio
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Not a thriller, but definitely written in a pulse-pounding way.

This genuinely made me smile. I think it would work great as a short with the right director and editor.

Good stuff~


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SAC
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Excellent, IMO anyway. I thought you would go dark here, I also thought the twist would be another dead guy talking on the phone thing. But neither happened, still I was with it all the way with an unexpected reveal... Good job!

Steve


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Bort
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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This one made me laugh. As a whole it felt like a Comedic Thriller. Lighthearted, I'm glad it took a more unexpected turn.

Great entry.
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