Through a Child's Eyes by Blank - An innocent Mother/Daughter conversation leads to more than the Mother bargained for.  Short, Thriller

A nice, easily filmed concept. I think the reveal of Grandpa being dead came too soon? IDK. This is another that, if filmed, could be quite good with the right actors. The child's last line of dialogue seemed a bit off and uncaring too. Does she not care or not understand what she just explained? Hmmm. Good work, writer.

The story is good - but there are a ton of typos and some very awkward phrasing throughout.

For example:

Quoted Text AMY (CONT'D) You can't be still tired.

Really should be - you can't still be tired.

Given that you only have two pages, I think you would have been better served spending less space on the setting (pancakes, description of table, etc. etc. ) and more space on the dialogue between mother and daughter.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text AMY Come on down sleepy head.

Come on down, sleepy head.

Not a bad effort but the writing is a little lackluster.

Would this be considered a thriller? I'm not sure.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.

Good effort, here. Though the writing needs some polishing up -- I read some past tense being used, punctuation a little off, the wording a little off in description, etc.

Jesus, none of these shorts really end on a good note, do they? Lol. Anyway, this was pretty good, though once the setup towards the twist became apparent (her mentioning grandfather), I knew it would be something with the father. So, while it was a decent story, the twist didn't quite hit me that much. Maybe it's because I read so many of these shorts before this, but the endings are very similar from short to short.

-- Michael

Writer,

Not a bad story here, but there wasn't much suspense or thrills. You needed a build up, something to propel this into thriller category. All the pieces are there, but as is it's not quite there yet.

Steve

The story is good as far as it goes, but it doesn't really have a twist, since our expectations weren't subverted. The cops merely confirm what Julie told Amy. Julie's source of information is unusual, but doesn't really contribute to any twist.

I liked the story. I think the first page could be trimmed a bit, and there are quite a few spelling/cap mistakes that make it look sloppy. Maybe trim the first page and add some more tension with Julie so the twist at the end doesn't feel so rushed.

Nice effort though.

Nice little ghost story. Some explanation of how grandpa was able to talk to the daughter would have been nice, but we only had two pages to work with.

Writing could do with a scrub up.

My main issue is that the 5-year-old seems too nonchalant about what she is telling her mother, I would expect her to be somewhat upset at the prospect of her Dad not coming home.

Good effort

You can turn off Final Draft's tendency to add (CONT'D) when a character has lines on both sides of an action. Go to Document > Mores and Continueds and turn off "Automatic character continueds". It's a simple fix, and not a problem with your writing.

The problem is that the story ending is more of a ramp than a twist. I'll call it a valid sting-in-the-tail, though. With a little more space, I'd have the girl's information start off as ambiguous to mildly positive... and once mom starts to play along then bring in that sting.

I might have tagged this as sci-fi rather than thriller since there's paranormal stuff but no real action... but there is a sense of rising tension, so it's neither here nor there on that front. Both genres are allowed anyway.

Good effort!

Great descriptive work and dialogue.  Well-written through and through.

But the introduction of ol' Grandad is just too random to have any real bite.  For me, anyway.

Solid entry, but empty calories.

Man, that daughter sure must've hated her dad. You'd think she'd wake up a little earlier or at least go to her parents room. But it kind of ended with a "Sorry bout yer luck, mom". She didn't have a care in the world.

The writing is good, but this seems like a scene in a bigger story. A ghost giving a warning is in so many horror stories and urban legends it feels like there should be something more to it.

Nice tight little story, ominous but not really a twist.
Well done.

I like the idea for this, and the twist that Grandad is dead, whilst not unexpected, worked in the space you have.

As others have mentioned, she seems pretty chill that Dad is not coming home.

Maybe she could come down already upset?

Aside from the mundane first page, you had me up until the line about two police coming. It took a step too far, it was already effective. That was perhaps the moment for the realization of what she was saying to hit home and for her sadness to come through. Do that and there won't be a dry eye in the house.

A cute little Ghost story that needs little more suspense.

Playing on the kid's talk to Ghosts more than anyone theory I guess

Not a huge twist at the end and maybe should have made the Daughter more sympathetic.. but yet she is only five.

Good job on entering

Is there an actual twist here? Even so, conveniently creepy, sort of a “Sixth Sense” feel to it.  Nicely written and a good tone throughout. Good effort here.

A good quietly sinister atmosphere to this, just needs amping up a touch.

I'd maybe have Mom comment in a flustered way as if she's heard the tale before about Amy having conversations with Granddad in the afterlife. Have her cranky, not wanting to entertain the kid's fantasy.
Not this again, Amy!

Edit some of the opening perhaps, add in some content re Daddy being angry with Amy the night before for a more layered sinister and calculated collaboration between Amy & Granddad maybe? I know, you only had two pages...

I think the final lines are redundant/anti-climactic.

'whipped cream' btw.

Another terrific premise.
Kept me on my toes for sure.

A good, old fashioned ghost story. No new spins on a familiar story but solid writing.

A scenario where a child has been endowed with the ability to speak with recently deceased relatives who wish to forewarn of death is a creepy concept, a scenario wherein her ‘Dark Zone’ has been activated by those beyond the physical, wandering through the ether of time until, perhaps, the whole family is reunited, then onto reincarnation. Just thinking out loud of the potential behind this concept you penned here. I like it, best of luck.

Decent enough idea here but needs a polish, especially the first page, plus it seems odd she'd ask when her dad is coming home if he's already dead. Might be better if it's the mum who mentions him first.

Good stuff though

Very good take on the theme, but I don't think you've made enough of the concept.

Little diffiult to sense genre because of the way it's written.

Less is more on dialogue here, I think.

This feels most like a horror to me, and I think action - rather than dialogue - is your friend in achieving the full potential of a very neat idea.

I'd also like the reveal to be by the door opening and leaving the ending to interpretation to some degree. It would make it more impactful, IMO.

I do like this one, but it needs a pretty thorough rewrite and repackaging of the idea, in my view.

Little girl doesn't care that her dad is going to die? Then why should we?

It's too big a thing for me to get over.

Decently written, though, as others have pointed out, not without a few small cleanups.

Not bad. Not yet great.

Cool.  I like it.  Nice little story.  I feel it meets the challenge.

Not sure the title suits.

Simple and effective albeit a little lacking in the thrills department.  Like the use of the ring doorbell at the end there to pay it off.  Easy enough to film.  Hope you come back to this - maybe give it a little more creep factor.