Feeling Guilty by Richard Gecko - An exhausted man feels guilty about taking a break from a large-scale search.  Short, Horror

Don’t really think you need to open over black here – no reason not to get right to it.

I’d lose the camera directions (CLOSE ON – ANGLE ON)

This:

Quoted Text The dark and dingy basement is surrounded by stone walls. The only light source comes from a dim ceiling bulb.

Needed to go up front when we first see the basement

Not in love with the ending here – no twisty

Hi writer,

God-damn that was dark!

Well written, a few things I would do differently but all personal preference really.

Enjoyed it for what it was, will be a hard sell for some but I think you went into this knowing that.

All the best.

No need for camera directions but otherwise very well done.

Jesus Christ, lol. Well, that was very dark. I gravitate towards this type of material. But, this may have been a little too much. Specifically showing a grown adult standing naked over a 12-year old boy. I'm not one to hold back dark imagery in writing, but for actors, this may turn some folks off.

The writing and the twist were very well done, though I think it could've used more twist. I felt like taking a shower after this one. Nevertheless, it was very well written lol. I'm sure it will be a little controversial to some.

-- Michael

This almost reads like one of the family abduction stories always in the news, so this is a topical story, and pretty well done. The only thing I might want to look at again is Michael's over-the-top glee at maybe getting extra time "to have some more fun."

Horrifying to say the least.

The writing was very good on this, but the twist happens so early that it really just seems like a short of a man torturing a little boy. I would have liked for some more of the man having the conversation with woman to maybe lead me in another direction or even give an indication of who he pretends to be (or is most of the time) before getting to the awfulness. The lead in is so short it doesn't really come as a surprise.

But, the idea behind it will definitely stick with me, probably more than any of the other scripts I read. Truly disturbing, since there is no moral compass at all in the film except the man's.

This is not for me.

The writing was fine but I needed Michael to lose in the end.

I would have preferred the reveal come a bit later but other than that this was really good, but also fecking horrible at the same time.

I'd probably have made the victim even younger too.

Oh and contrary to what Michael said, I'd argue this is something actors (well, some anyway) would love. I haven't acted in years but I'd play that in a heartbeat. The juxtaposition between him appearing to be a good guy, and then the reveal of how bad a person he is is great.

Really good work, my favourite yet.

Quoted from Pleb I would have preferred the reveal come a bit later but other than that this was really good, but also fecking horrible at the same time. I'd probably have made the victim even younger too. Oh and contrary to what Michael said, I'd argue this is something actors (well, some anyway) would love. I haven't acted in years but I'd play that in a heartbeat. The juxtaposition between him appearing to be a good guy, and then the reveal of how bad a person he is is great. Really good work, my favourite yet.

There's no way they're going to show some dude with his dick hanging out standing over a 12-year old kid. Maybe the director can find a way to cheat that shot in some way, maybe a shot of the killer naked from behind and the child in the background. It sounds illegal to have that on set. And even if it were allowed, would you, as an actor, REALLY want to have a nude scene with a 12-year-old child? I dunno, maybe it's just me. But I had a short script that got dropped because they couldn't find any actors that wanted to be in a scene naked, having sex with a soda machine (it was a weird script lol).

Quoted from spesh2k There's no way they're going to show some dude with his dick hanging out standing over a 12-year old kid. Maybe the director can find a way to cheat that shot in some way, maybe a shot of the killer naked from behind and the child in the background. It sounds illegal to have that on set. And even if it were allowed, would you, as an actor, REALLY want to have a nude scene with a 12-year-old child? I dunno, maybe it's just me. But I had a short script that got dropped because they couldn't find any actors that wanted to be in a scene naked, having sex with a soda machine (it was a weird script lol).

For sure I'd do it. And cheating it a bit wouldn't be that hard at all. Still, I think it could be just as impactful if the guy was wearing unbuckled jeans if it was too big an issue. I had a short of mine made a couple of weeks ago that was meant to have brief nudity in but the actor bottled it just before the shoot so they had to cut that scene, so I'm happy to concede you're right that some would actors take issue with it.

Quoted from Pleb For sure I'd do it. And cheating it a bit wouldn't be that hard at all. Still, I think it could be just as impactful if the guy was wearing unbuckled jeans if it was too big an issue. I had a short of mine made a couple of weeks ago that was meant to have brief nudity in but the actor bottled it just before the shoot so they had to cut that scene, so I'm happy to concede you're right that some would actors take issue with it.

Both my features have quite a bit of nudity (specifically the most recent one). And some of my close actor friends have had nude scenes, sex scenes and had no issue with it. But it's sex scenes between adults. I'm not sure if a parent would allow their 12-year old son to shoot a nude scene with another man. Though, if you've seen "Bruno", I might be underestimating parents a bit lol. And I guess at public pools in the locker rooms, there's a lot of nudity anyways no matter what age people are. But still, I dunno how it is with film when it comes to kids being in nude scenes with adults, even if the kids themselves are clothed.

Nicely written, twist halfway through instead of the end but too dark for my tastes. It would have been nice for the boy to have something nasty in store for the sick fuck.

Well written but no twist or sting in the tail for me, just a reveal.
Well done.

Has a sort of Murder Set Piece grubbiness that worked for me, though some will find it too dark.

I think the twist is clear from the start, but it's still there, so no issues with that either.

Good effort.

Well that was sick.

The script itself was well written but the story not for me.

I know 2 pages is hard but wasn't a twist after the first few lines... just sick torture porn to a child .

Hmmm...well written, meets the parameters, the twist was in the middle but, damn, that was too much for me to visualize. Definitely achieved what you were going for, I think. Good luck with it.

I was wondering if anyone would go in this direction with the criteria. It's a knife to the gut and then a twist of the blade.

I'm fine with the camera directions. They work. What might have really made my skin crawl is not show what comes next. A look away or a door closing so what is happening is unknown would be far more sinister. Still, kudos for burning your ticket to Heaven and diving head first into the dark side.

Umm. Yeah, wasn't feeling this one about potential sexual abuse of a minor.

Okay, that was f’n creepy.  Not one for pedophile sexual torture but I guess it was definitely different and not badly written at all. I think your twist comes a bit too early, but overall good job.

Quoted from ReneC Still, kudos for burning your ticket to Heaven and diving head first into the dark side.

Oh, man, that's golden! Good thing I wasn't drinking milk!

I like the idea but you didn't have to make it a child. I mean...this isn't going to appeal to many people...and if it does...yikes. Would still be dark and terrifying if it was say...a husband of one of his wife's friends. Someone other than a child.

Whew! Certainly packed a punch.

You painted the portrait of sexual deviant pederast psychopath very well.
Sadly in reality perps often join search parties. That's a great premise.

I was getting a distinct Silence of the Lambs, Jame Gumb vibe to Michael.

I think I'm in the camp of maybe implying content rather than the naked explicitness you depict, mainly because I'm not sure of the market for this as written.

I would have loved if the Boy (12 is too old to be calling him a little boy imho) got his own back somehow.
That's a twist I would have loved!

Oh, and nice pic, Gecko.

Damn, that was messed up. It's powerful up until a little bit after the twist and then I think maybe it overstays its welcome. My two cents... either end it pretty much right after the reveal or have it take a whole other unexpected direction at the very end.

Hm.  Not my speed, this one.  I am not sure who the audience would be.

The mechanics are fine, competently written, but no.  Nothing here for me to latch onto.

Think this may be a bit more palpable if the kid was older, even like 16 or 17, and it was briefly mentioned that this kid had done something terrible to warrant the torture, but maybe that’s the whole point… there is no reason, ‘cept the fact a psycho is kidnapping kids and pretending to be concerned by joining a local search party. Then he could lead them (party) astray by ensuring it goes off course somehow. Dark twist as to what’s transpiring, maybe a little telecast up front, but still an evil demented reveal. Best of luck.

Went all out on the title page.

The twist comes a little early, though you do a really good job of selling this guy as evil. One problem is that there's isn't much of a story here, the second is that I don't see any way a parent is going to let a child actor do this scene.

Nice(?!) job, writer.

I think the main issue here is that the twist is revealed early on, and so it leads to disappointment because there's an expectation for a last minute twist, which never comes.

It's a tight little short, but the subject means it's difficult to film. In my opinion, you'd be better off making what's happening in the basement implied rather than explicit.

And I think there needs to be something of comeuppance for Michael; whether that be someone behind him ready to take him out (bit obvious), or something that communicates he is not holding the power he thinks he is, would add another dimension.

Not just any old widow’s peak then…

The basic premise could work and might work quite well against the backdrop of the search, but the execution here relies on shock value and is likely too graphic for a filmmaker to take on as a project.

For me, ideas like this can be more impactful when handled with subtlety and letting the audience fill in the blanks as to what happens off-screen.  Less is more.  It's a miss for me.

I must say, this was an uncomfortable read.  I wouldn't want to watch something like this.

Just, nope.

I expected backlash, considering the subject matter.  But I didn't expect it to be so harsh.

I held back a ton here, only implying violence and sexual assault, and not showing any at all(besides Michael grabbing the boy by his throat). But according to some reviews, I showed no subtlety what-so-ever and this is just child torture porn.  

I didn't think Michael being naked would be an issue. Filmmakers could easily fake that shot. No problem. The boy wouldn't even need to be present with a naked adult man, if the filmmakers were creative enough. And it's not like I describe the dudes dong and berries in great detail or anything. Lol

As for the twist being too early and there being no "sting in the tail". I completely disagree. Maybe the twist is a bit early, but it's a two page script. The twist wasn't really my goal with this script, but instead I wanted to deliver a sting in the tail(an indicator that very bad things are going to follow). And I believe I delivered in that aspect. In spades. Lol

While I am a bit disappointed in the response here(I've written far more graphic shorts than this), I do understand why I got that response. And I absolutely respect it.

Thanks for the reads, I do appreciate them.

My concern wasn't for the adult on-set, because that's just editing. My concern was the child being naked and rigged with a ball. It can't be a mannequin because the child emotes and interacts with the other actor.

I did think this one was well-written, just not practical to shoot.

BTW, all of those concerns vanish if the victim is an adult.

Here's the big takeaway - It was really well written. Good work, Zack.

Quoted from FrankM My concern wasn't for the adult on-set, because that's just editing. My concern was the child being naked and rigged with a ball. It can't be a mannequin because the child emotes and interacts with the other actor. I did think this one was well-written, just not practical to shoot. BTW, all of those concerns vanish if the victim is an adult.

But... The child wasn't naked.  

And if I were to change to victim to an adult, wouldn't that rob the story of it's impact a bit?

Still, I appreciate you giving the script a chance.

Quoted from JEStaats Here's the big takeaway - It was really well written. Good work, Zack.

Thanks, Dude.

Quoted from Zack But... The child wasn't naked.   And if I were to change to victim to an adult, wouldn't that rob the story of it's impact a bit? Still, I appreciate you giving the script a chance.

Ah, my eye moved the word "naked" over a spot or two. I still think the ball thing may be a bit much, but I wasn't rating it on practicality anyway.

Quoted from FrankM Ah, my eye moved the word "naked" over a spot or two. I still think the ball thing may be a bit much, but I wasn't rating it on practicality anyway.

All good. I'm just being a sore loser. Lol.

I don't have a problem with it. It's designed to evoke a strong reaction. Job well done, I rated it fairly high.

I thought this was well written and it was one of my highest scored scripts, partially because it was ballsy. But the way it's written, having a naked adult man standing over a child who is looking up at him while tied up, if I were a parent of a child actor and I was given the script, I probably wouldn't be cool with that part as written. Yes, I did mention the shot can be cheated, but as a reader, the only thing we're seeing is what you've written. I think you can cheat the shot yourself in the way you write it. But the way it's written, he's literally standing over a 12 year old child with his dick out.

Quoted from spesh2k I thought this was well written and it was one of my highest scored scripts, partially because it was ballsy. But the way it's written, having a naked adult man standing over a child who is looking up at him while tied up, if I were a parent of a child actor and I was given the script, I probably wouldn't be cool with that part as written. Yes, I did mention the shot can be cheated, but as a reader, the only thing we're seeing is what you've written. I think you can cheat the shot yourself in the way you write it. But the way it's written, he's literally standing over a 12 year old child with his dick out.

You wouldn't film it that way, obviously, or even close to it. Writers don't have to get caught up on those logistics though, if I were to produce this I'd take it as is and shoot it so there isn't any traumatic incidents. But that would be my worry, not the writer's.

I'm talking as if I were a parent of a 12-year old child actor and I was just reading the script. Unfortunately, actors don't get to see a film, shot list or storyboard, they need to read a script first.

Quoted from spesh2k I'm talking as if I were a parent of a 12-year old child actor and I was just reading the script. Unfortunately, actors don't get to see a film, shot list or storyboard, they need to read a script first.

I think, at that point, it's up to the director to explain how that scene will be handled when it comes time to film.

Quoted from ReneC I don't have a problem with it. It's designed to evoke a strong reaction. Job well done, I rated it fairly high.

Thanks, Man.

Yeah, for me the whole challenge was about evoking a strong response.

I think the reason I write stuff like this is, to me, the scariest thing imaginable is a helpless child being at the mercy of a very bad person. I don't write this stuff because I enjoy it. I write it because it fuckin' scares me. lol

Quoted from Zack Thanks, Man. Yeah, for me the whole challenge was about evoking a strong response. I think the reason I write stuff like this is, to me, the scariest thing imaginable is a helpless child being at the mercy of a very bad person. I don't write this stuff because I enjoy it. I write it because it fuckin' scares me. lol

I get that. And while the ending is a gut-punch, I can picture pedophiles watching this and cheering at the end lol. I mean, the pedo does win at the end and he does so gleefully. Like dizzyingly gleeful. And we're seeing the whole thing through his eyes.

As for a child actors parents needing to be explained by a director how that scene would be shot -- I'm sure there's showbiz parents out there who wouldn't give a fuck. Yes, the logistics are up to the director but, in screenplay form, it's the writer's job to manipulate what we see and how we're seeing it.

I have a friend who's daughter is a child actor (well, she's an adult now) and they turned down a part in Shane Black's "The Nice Guys" (as Ryan Gosling's daughter) because he didn't want his daughter to be walking around a porn-sponsored party (in the movie) where there's topless women everywhere. And that was a big role that offered a lot of money. Just sayin...

Quoted from spesh2k I get that. And while the ending is a gut-punch, I can picture pedophiles watching this and cheering at the end lol. I mean, the pedo does win at the end and he does so gleefully. Like dizzyingly gleeful. And we're seeing the whole thing through his eyes. As for a child actors parents needing to be explained by a director how that scene would be shot -- I'm sure there's showbiz parents out there who wouldn't give a fuck. Yes, the logistics are up to the director but, in screenplay form, it's the writer's job to manipulate what we see and how we're seeing it. I have a friend who's daughter is a child actor (well, she's an adult now) and they turned down a part in Shane Black's "The Nice Guys" (as Ryan Gosling's daughter) because he didn't want his daughter to be walking around a porn-sponsored party (in the movie) where there's topless women everywhere. And that was a big role that offered a lot of money. Just sayin...

I definitely understand what your saying, Dude. And you're not wrong. But, I've got to stay true to the stories that come to me. Even if that means I'm signing my own ticket to hell. lol