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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Undercurrent - May
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Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Undercurrent by Teresa Green - Things aren't quite as they seem when a family man learns of a tragic accident.  Short, Thriller


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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spesh2k
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the karmaic twist -- Jasper gets what he deserves. However, the writing I feel was a little sloppy, perhaps rushed. There's no character descriptions. And the fact that we open with "JASPER EDDINGTON (45) sits motionless", it made me think we were starting off with a visual of a dead body.

Outside of that, very solid. Nice work.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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I was confused

BTW - does PC mean police officer??



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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irish eyes
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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So the girls fake suicide so that Jasper commits real suicide. Then they throw his body in the freezer !! I think I got it.

Well you packed that  in 2 pages. I actually enjoyed it.

Good entry


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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Title page is off center, no big deal.

Scrap the underlining of your scene headings, its just doesn't look good on the page.

Not sure what a P.C. is.   Ah okay, police of some sort.


Quoted Text
INT. EDDINGTON FAMILY HOME - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Tilly opens up the chest freezer and pulls out a bag of ice
cubes, exposing Jasper’s frozen face.


I don't really understand why this was necessary if he committed suicide?

The writing could use some work. I think there is a story in there but it needs a few rewrites.

All the best.


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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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I like the ambition on this one, but I think there was unfortunately not enough time to tell it.

Things would've been less confusing if the police or Jasper actually mentioned that it was the bodies of his wife and child who are washed away. At least we'd have a clear understanding of that when we are once again confused by Jasper angrily hanging himself. Then the wife and child covering it up? I really had a tough time figuring out what was happening and why it was happening. I still don't think I've grasped it.

With just a couple more pages to work with, once the competition is done, this could really work as an old fashioned revenge story (that I think it is)
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ReneC
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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For those wondering, a P.C. is a police constable. It's a UK and Commonwealth thing.

The writing is decent, but details are missing. At the beginning the police stand up...from what? Maybe the page count hindered a bit here. The dialogue is a bit rough too.

This almost works, but two things jump out at me. First, why would Cynthia take Jasper's body down and hide it in the freezer? Who cares if he killed himself? Better to report the body and be free and clear, no?

The larger issue for me is Cynthia would have to know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that Jasper would kill himself to somehow come after them in death. She returned home the next day, presumably, but why would she do that unless she knew it was safe to do so? It's a big leap of logic.

Good effort, it does have potential to be something. It feels like there should be more to make it all work, maybe outside of the page restriction.


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mmmarnie
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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Too much convenience here for me. Like how did they know Jasper would kill himself? In fact, if he was an abuser, I wouldn't think he'd kill himself. I mean there's a definite twist here, but as is it just doesn't work for me. If they had come back, taking him by surprise and kill him to maybe make it look like a suicide... that might make more sense because it's planned instead of something that might or might not happen.


boop
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MarkD
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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Didn't quite get this one either. Maybe I missed something?
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Pleb
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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I think I get it, but would like to see what the writer says at the end.

Warren is right, underlining the slugs doesn't look good on the page, plus I think you should consider using mini slugs as full slugs are too much especially for something so short.

Good luck


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
I was confused

BTW - does PC mean police officer??



PC stands for Police Constable (A rank in the British Police Force)

I like this one but there is not much logical sense - Why put the body in the freezer after his suicide? They just committed a criminal offence for no reason.

Jasper killing himself was convenient for them. The strings just don't quite connect together well enough for this to really excel


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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The writing not that great, it seemed rushed. The twist was ok. Not for me.


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FrankM
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Should start with FADE IN: and end with FADE OUT., looks like a bit of a cheat for extra space.

What does P.C. stand for?

That ending was... unexpected. Someone knew this guy really, really well to know how he'd react.

Really nice job!


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Conceptually solid but not sure the idea of Jasper committing suicide was the best way to go. Maybe would have been better if he had been murdered.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, the twist is there but...

If he's been hurting them, as implied by the last line, then why would be kill himself, doesn't ring true to me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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