Writing is choppy, takes you out of the read.

Why did Jasper kill himself? I mean, I didn't expect it. So you got a twist. But I also don't understand it.

Yep, sorry. I reread it three times and and think I know what you were going for. It just didn't work for me. Maybe another page or two would really have made a difference.

I was with you through the set-up and the sense that Jaspar is not the loving father and husband he appears to be but I’m not sure what I’m missing with the payoff.  So they faked their deaths hoping that an embittered Jaspar would take his own life (to come after them?).  Cops then turn back up to find out it was all a mistake the women aren’t dead but the plan worked and they’re now Jasper-free.  But why hide the body?  If he took his own life then they’re home free.  It would all be put down to a tragic misunderstanding would it not? Or am I missing something?  I like what you’re going for but that final reveal doesn’t seem to fit the logic which dampens the payoff.

Not sure… read this twice and still come up empty on a review that would make any sense on your end, perhaps the writer could chime in afterwards with a walk-through, or a brief. Best of luck.

Cynthia's plan is brilliant, but it strains credulity to believe Jaspar kills himself just as Cynthia hoped he would. And then, rather than letting the cops discover he committed suicide, she puts his body on ice and has to come up with a story to explain his whereabouts.

This is probably my own lack of reading comprehension skills, but I did not understand what was happening here.  There was certainly a twist with Jasper in the freezer, but everything that led to that had me confused. Good probably use a couple of more pages in a rewrite to bring some clarity to it.

Easy enough to follow and a twist for sure, but as Rene said, this whole concept relies on the wife knowing he will commit suicide if they pretend to be dead and that seems too far-fetched.

Plus, yeah, why cut him up and put his head in the freezer?

Read this twice and I just don't get it.

Lack of clarity will doom a script quicker than anything.

Maybe this is a larger story than 2 pages?

Well written enough but I was confused by a couple things. Why would he kill himself if he hates them... is he legitimately going to try to drag them to hell? And why are they hiding his death if it was a suicide?

Seems like this might've been a bigger story that got condensed.

Like the idea on this one, and thought the dialogue from Jasper about hell was very funny.

Seemed a cute way of exposing who he really was.

My gripe here is with the reveal. I just didn't like how Cynthia spoke, and it felt jarring to me; too odd to retain tone, IMHO.

I think the reveal was probably the right one, but I would've preferred a different means of doing it.

Still, overall it's a neat idea and definitely stands out for the strength of that idea.