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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  ARC - May
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  Author    ARC - May  (currently 499 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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ARC by Not Telling - The night shift at Heathrow's animal centre get some new guests.  Short, Thriller


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Zack
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Some awkward phrasing, but otherwise the writing is solid. I thought the twist at the end was kinda funny. Other than that, I just don't feel like there's much meat on these bones.

Solid effort.
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Gum
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, heard it’s the little scorpions you have to look out for. Thankfully, in my neck of the woods they don’t exist, except for collectors of exotic pets etc. Anyway, scary thought/scenario going on here but… not feeling a twist in this, or shock value. If it was the TSA at Heathrow and they dug into someone’s pants like a pervert and got bit by one of these lil bastards, then maybe that would have a nice sour lemon twist in terms of a morality theme… don’t go digging in peoples pants.
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irish eyes
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Decent effort

Not too much of a twist as the scorpions escaped and ended on her hat !!!

It's hard with only 2 pages but this one really didn't work for me..

Good job on entering though


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spesh2k
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this, though the description is a bit dense at parts and absent of proper commas. It could use some rewording. Nevertheless, I liked the twist, which sort of ends on a cliffhanger, though it's enough to suggest the danger that lies ahead. I would not label this as a thriller or horror, though.

Good work.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is a bit inefficient in places - but I kind of dig the story other than I have no idea why you would use an airport for a setting in this tale.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ReneC
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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A stinger ending?  

There's no tension in the writing, it comes off as lighthearted comedy, which is fine except for the genre requirements. This isn't much of a thriller, but fine, comedy thriller.

Not bad, just not much here.


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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

I liked the dry humour in this, intentional or not.

The writing isn’t bad but the story is pretty straight forward, could have used more of a sting in the tail

All the best.


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LC
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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Haha!

ABBI
Look, they're more scared of you.
CARL
Unlikely. And what do you mean they?


Funny droll humour.
Short, sweet, very enjoyable, and with a sting in the tail, potentially literally.

A very nice and different entry.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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I liked the setup and the idea, dialogue felt natural.

The Ending didn't do it too much for me and labelling it horror is a stretch.

Good effort though


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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bert
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Bad title for a decent script that makes good use of its comic possibilities.

This is another one that feels as if cuts were made to squeeze the story into its pages.

Bonus points for the beastie actually existing.

A perfectly solid entry.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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mmmarnie
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Great idea, written well. Definitely a sting in the tail type of twist, but...I felt the ending fell a bit flat. I do love the idea though. It would make a great short but maybe just something a bit more impactful at the end instead of them just resting on the brim of her hat.

Nice effort!!


boop
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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Decent effort with a minimal twist. More comedy than horror.
Well done


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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This didn't do much for me. A guy breaks a scorpion cage and the scorpion might sting them. Not much of a setup or twist. An extra element, like there was something foul at play or something, would've helped a lot.
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JEStaats
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I live in scorpion country, so I get this:

ABBI
Look, they're more scared of you.
CARL
Unlikely.

I hate those little buggers.

Good story. Pretty sure they don't ship in glass containers but who cares. Needs a cleanup but it fits the parameters. Good work.
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