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ARC - May (currently 526 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 5:55pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
ARC by Not Telling - The night shift at Heathrow's animal centre get some new guests. Short, Thriller |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Zack |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:58pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4497 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Some awkward phrasing, but otherwise the writing is solid. I thought the twist at the end was kinda funny. Other than that, I just don't feel like there's much meat on these bones. Solid effort. |
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Gum |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:00pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Yeah, heard it’s the little scorpions you have to look out for. Thankfully, in my neck of the woods they don’t exist, except for collectors of exotic pets etc. Anyway, scary thought/scenario going on here but… not feeling a twist in this, or shock value. If it was the TSA at Heathrow and they dug into someone’s pants like a pervert and got bit by one of these lil bastards, then maybe that would have a nice sour lemon twist in terms of a morality theme… don’t go digging in peoples pants. |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:11pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Decent effort
Not too much of a twist as the scorpions escaped and ended on her hat !!!
It's hard with only 2 pages but this one really didn't work for me..
Good job on entering though |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:17pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I liked this, though the description is a bit dense at parts and absent of proper commas. It could use some rewording. Nevertheless, I liked the twist, which sort of ends on a cliffhanger, though it's enough to suggest the danger that lies ahead. I would not label this as a thriller or horror, though.
Good work.
-- Michael |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:20pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The writing is a bit inefficient in places - but I kind of dig the story other than I have no idea why you would use an airport for a setting in this tale. |
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ReneC |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:15pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
A stinger ending? There's no tension in the writing, it comes off as lighthearted comedy, which is fine except for the genre requirements. This isn't much of a thriller, but fine, comedy thriller. Not bad, just not much here. |
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Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:23pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer, I liked the dry humour in this, intentional or not. The writing isn’t bad but the story is pretty straight forward, could have used more of a sting in the tail All the best. |
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LC |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:13am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7622 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Haha!
ABBI Look, they're more scared of you. CARL Unlikely. And what do you mean they?
Funny droll humour. Short, sweet, very enjoyable, and with a sting in the tail, potentially literally.
A very nice and different entry. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:08am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
I liked the setup and the idea, dialogue felt natural.
The Ending didn't do it too much for me and labelling it horror is a stretch.
Good effort though |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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bert |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:44am |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Bad title for a decent script that makes good use of its comic possibilities.
This is another one that feels as if cuts were made to squeeze the story into its pages.
Bonus points for the beastie actually existing.
A perfectly solid entry. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:46am |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Great idea, written well. Definitely a sting in the tail type of twist, but...I felt the ending fell a bit flat. I do love the idea though. It would make a great short but maybe just something a bit more impactful at the end instead of them just resting on the brim of her hat.
Nice effort!! |
| boop |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:09pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Decent effort with a minimal twist. More comedy than horror. Well done |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:13pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
This didn't do much for me. A guy breaks a scorpion cage and the scorpion might sting them. Not much of a setup or twist. An extra element, like there was something foul at play or something, would've helped a lot. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:57pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I live in scorpion country, so I get this:
ABBI Look, they're more scared of you. CARL Unlikely.
I hate those little buggers.
Good story. Pretty sure they don't ship in glass containers but who cares. Needs a cleanup but it fits the parameters. Good work. |
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Rob |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 7:58pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
I like the cliffhanger ending, but this feels more like a comedy. Is there a way to set this someplace other than an airport? What about a custom's office. Easier to film. |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:20pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:44pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
This is a fun little romp. Not sure of what genre you’re dabbling in here. Feels more like a comedy than anything else. Also not exactly sure what the twist is. I thought you might be going for the “sting in the tail” but it didn’t go there. In fact, it felt like the script ended before the ending, if that makes sense. I kind of wanted to see how she got out of it. You had a good setup but you left me hanging there. Otherwise, pretty good effort.
Also, loved the title page. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:38pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1565 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Well you don't need to be an orthopedic surgeon to tickle your funny bone with this 2 pager. But nothing in the tone of this seems thrilling...if anything, it seems almost lighthearted with the banter between Abbi and Carl. Best of Irish luck! |
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FrankM |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 12:19am |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I think using a goofy title font is sufficient to mark it as a title, you don't need to underline it, too. Also missing the FADE IN: and FADE OUT., probably in a bid to save space. That must be a big uniform if Abbi and Carl can fit inside it I like the twist in this one. I don't think Carl will be getting an offer for the permanent job. Nice job! |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 7:05am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Simple and effective, yet felt more like a sketch than a short story. Lacks a bit of a sting in the tail - I bet I'm the first one to use that joke! |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Pleb |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:52am |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Writing could do with a polish to make for a smoother read but I kind of liked the idea, even though it's more scetch-like, and it's nice to read something a bit different.
Good luck |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 1:39pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Decent enough effort. I agree with what Gary said about ending it too early. Figuring out how to escape from a scorpion hovering inches from your face seems like the real thriller. Of course, then you wouldn't have the twist ending and it'd probably be more than 2 pages. Post challenge I would definitely like to see how they get out of this situation. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 2:21pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
So you decided... sting in the tail... I can do that. Literally. Fun little short without much depth. Nothing wrong with that. I enjoyed it. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 3:47pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Writing needs some fine tuning. Missing commas hurt the flow.
Not getting much of a horror or thriller vibe from this - tone feels flat and matter of fact. That’s something to work on that can help pull readers into the scene and kick it up a level.
Why stand still? Why not get out of there? Not sure how the scorpions ended up on Abbi’s hat or if they intended to sting - bit open-ended on that count.
Appreciate the nuanced set-up, it’s different and gives you plenty to work with. I’m not sure this is quite the idea for me. Good work for entering, maybe one to come back to with fewer constraints. |
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Andrew |
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 5:52pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1791 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
My favourite so far.
I'm reading in order of the original script posting thread, so just over halfway down.
Loved the interplay between the characters, and the reveal was perfectly played and situated in the script.
Only gripe would be it's more comedy than horror, but that's a small gripe. Although I did find the first paragraph or so a little difficult to get into. Had to make myself come back a couple of times. Had it not been me setting myself the challenge of reading all of the scripts, I would've bowed out. Obviously glad I didn't, but that's how short attention can be when coming to reading scripts.
However, this is a really good script. |
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