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Just a Little Nudge? - May (currently 2886 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 5:56pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Just a Little Nudge? by The Impatient One - In the near future, a real estate developer plots how to remove an endangered species from some very expensive land. Short, Sci Fi |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:25pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Hmmm... this is the 2nd one I've read that was sci-fi. I thought this was supposed to be horror or thriller. I guess the reveal/twist at the end borders horror I guess, but this was absent of any tension. And there was a TON of exposition delivered through dialogue. Not that I have a problem with exposition, but it felt a little forced here. The writing itself was fine. But this didn't feel like this met the criteria that much, outside of the twist, which I kinda expected.
-- Michael |
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LC |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:33pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Horror, Thriller or SciFi, Michael. |
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Gum |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:39pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Oh man… this dude’s ‘ol lady is a Reptilian…? Gross. Had a ‘They Live’ fear factor in the mix. Sixty million tied up, just waiting for something to happen to an endangered species to get the move on? Not buying it, humans are a plague on this planet and will do whatever is necessary to achieve a goal; “end justifies the means” is a creed the cabal works with tooth and nail, but I digress. The twist is obvious, err… now that is, after reading, but I didn’t see it coming, so kudos. Best of luck. |
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SAC |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:42pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
Good marks from me. I love the premise of this one -- wish I had written it! Nice end reveal too, though I think you could do without the last line of dialogue. Might hit just as hard, if not harder, without it. Very good work!
Steve |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:43pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
First slug....what's a "scenic" apartment????
So this feels like it's set a bit in the future except you say it's on the heels of COVID.
Dialog had some exposition. I liked the whole lizard idea and the visuals with him watching through the drone. Pretty cool.
But the end...I didn't get it. Barbara's last bit of dialog ... didn't understand. Sorry. |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:00pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:17pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Horror, Thriller or SciFi, Michael. |
Ah, missed that. Oh, well, didn't effect my score, either way. -- Michael |
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Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:46pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hmmm... this is the 2nd one I've read that was sci-fi. I thought this was supposed to be horror or thriller. I guess the reveal/twist at the end borders horror I guess
-- Michael |
Nope, horror, Sci Fi or thriller, there also doesn't have to be a twist, there can be a shock or a sting in the tail. Not mine, but seeing lots of comments like this. |
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LC |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:52pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Michael already acknowledged he got it later that SciFi was included, and that it won't affect his judging. |
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Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:53pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Great writing on display, it's a nice easy read. topical but still sci fi as well.
Enjoyed this one.
All the best. |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:56pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Michael already acknowledged he got it later that SciFi was included, and that it won't affect his judging. |
Even if a script doesn't quite meet the criteria, it doesn't affect my scoring. My favorite and highest scoring from the March (or February, I forget) challenge was a comedy and I believe the theme for that challenge was a thriller or something lol. I just score according to originality, quality of writing, story and, for this one, twist or sting in the tail -- and if the "shock" aspect leaves enough of an impression, that too. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:06pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Barbara's coming to get you!
I loved this one! Absolutely embodies the time we live in. We have the isolation, the boredom, the obsession with petty shit, the looking forward to the future.
And what I loved most about the twist, is even though it could be read as downbeat, I saw it as showing how resilient us apes are despite our quirks.
I would actually really love to see this one get made. Great work! |
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MarkD |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:21am |
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Posts142 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
A combination of a virus story and an alien story? I liked this one. Had just enough exposition in two pages for the twist to land. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 3:55am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
Ha! loved the ending and twist of this.
It was a bit clunky getting to the end though, but yeah, good work. |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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bert |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:28am |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4232 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Feels like quite a bit wedged into a couple of pages.
I bet the author struggled to make cuts and whittle this down.
Good payoff, but a bit convoluted to get there, and a budget that is way out of sync with a couple of pages. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:30pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Got it after a couple of reads, nice job, good twist at the end. Well done |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:38pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Meets the challenge for sure.
My problem was way too much exposition in the dialogue - these characters are telling each other things they already know |
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Zack |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:50pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Interesting concept and twist, but the dialog is VERY on the nose. Also not sure the title really fits. Still, this is a decent entry. Good work. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:50pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
So, I liked the twist, a bit 'They Live' crossed with 'V' but if she's reptilian why encourage him to kill the lizards?
Some of the writing and descriptions are a little clunky and could be improved, e.g. near-future tablet, you state were just after Covid, so you could easily just say tablet and leave it at that. Not sure this all hangs together but it's an inventive attempt. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:43pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Good job, writer. I must be a little slow as I was totally taken off guard with wifey being reptilian (or alien). Like others said, OTN, but for two pages I can let that slide...a little. Good stuff. |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:00pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Great job writer!
Not a great fan of Sci-Fi but this one pulled out all stops for 2 pages.
Great twist and well written |
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:40pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
A fair amount of background to take in for a 2-pager with exposition left to do the heavy lifting. I like the parallel of them both working towards a similar goal but for very different ends - that's an interesting angle. An okay twist but it does feel like the set-up to a bigger idea. |
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ReneC |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:50pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
At first I thought this new pandemic turned people into reptiles, and that maybe those lizards Gordon was watching was in fact humans already turned and he just didn't know. But alas, it's just aliens.
Actually a neat idea, but I have an issue with it. If anything, shouldn't she feel an affinity for the lizards since she herself is reptilian? She speaks out about the human apes, which suggests reptiles stick up for one another, no? Between that and the last line of dialogue, it just doesn't quite gel for me. But yes, a cool idea. |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:39pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Okay, that was different. So Barbara is a reptilian creature. Is Gordon as well? Why wouldn’t they just do away with their fellow reptilians so they can develop the land? And why would reptilians want to develop the land? Are they creatures from another planet? Who is Barbara talking to on the communicator? As you can see, I have a lot of questions and I feel like I should at least have some of these answered by the script. But you definitely have a twist at the end, that’s for sure. Pretty good job overall. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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LC |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 2:11am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
So off the wall it had me enthralled.
I really love when we're given something futuristic and a bit cockeyed. I wasn't expecting that reveal.
Nice work. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 7:25am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Honestly, I guessed from the logline this was going to be about aliens trying to get rid of humans simply because it reminded me of the first short script I ever wrote on Simply Scripts called Altered Perspective, which has been optioned twice now but still hasn't turned into a produced film, grrr!
Anyway, that isn't your fault, it just reminded me so much of that script I could see where it was heading, but I didn't expect a lizard person!
Nicely written. a little reliant on exposition to get the story across but you only had 2 pages so that's understandable. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 11:27am |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Okay, great ending. Could be a little more subtle with some of the exposition but I'm nitpicking. Worth the read for the ending alone. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Andrew |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 3:36pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1791 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
I think the writing is better than the idea on this one.
It feels complete in a way other scripts I've read from the challenge don't, but I just didn't neessarily feel anything. The core idea feels too thin.
The problem is there's a disconnect between where the dialogue is driving and the main idea (the irony Gordon isn't aware of).
I'd be keen to see your other work, because the writing is accomplished, and makes me think you're capable of some good stuff. |
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jayrex |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 4:24pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Great little story. With a touch of humour in the end. It does remind me of the TV series Invasion. Whereby the aliens took over the town inhabitants one by one. |
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Claudio |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:20pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Great opener, interesting setting, nice work there.
I wish there was more to the twist. It reminded me of the conspiracy theory where people believe that there are reptilians impersonating humans, and that's not a bad thing. What's neat about this for me, is that it could be edited to be more comedic, or edited to be more sinister.
Good stuff, hoping for more~ |
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FrankM |
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 12:00pm |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Thank you for the reads and the feedback. This story didn't click with everyone, but given how little time I had to work on it I'm just glad it clicked with anybody. It's roughly based on the admonition moms will give kids messing with an animal's nest... "How'd you like it if they did that to your house?" As for not needing the last line, I don't think it would make any sense without the final dialog. Or do you mean dropping just the last sentence? "Scenic apartment" would have been clearer as "apartment with a view". Though obviously not spelled out in any detail, Gordon and the rest of humanity are suffering through a series of outbreaks and pandemics that make it seem like the world is out to kill them. No, it's just an extraterrestrial real estate developer who should have looked at the property before signing a mortgage, and now is trying to eliminate the humans since they can't simply be relocated. In this setting they've gotten past Covid-19, then gotten past AV21 (whatever that is), maybe other unmentioned maladies, and are in the midst of another pandemic. I envisioned Zika being the first artificial plague, but doing further research the timing doesn't work. While it was important for Barbara to be reptilian to make the "How'd you like it...?" bit work, there's no reason for her to empathize with the lizards. She probably doesn't even empathize with her own species. NRS and UBT are taken from the "worse than AIDS" epidemics mentioned in Demolition Man. This can definitely use some cleaning up with a little extra space, if nothing else get rid of some of that on-the-noseness. I'd like to make Gordon's interaction with the drone and tablet a bit more like five-years-from-now (but still filmable with drones and tablets that exist today, controlled from off-screen), and make Gordon's slide from impatient passivity to active meddler more clear. Hopefully there's a way to wedge in the idea that he's definitely human and has been waiting impatiently for a couple days, not weeks or months. During all that, I need to make sure that the logline and all of Barbara's lines retain their double meanings. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 4:38pm |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
nice one, Frank - I thought it was great, right up my alley.
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Warren |
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 5:18pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Nice one, Frank. You got my highest score. |
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FrankM |
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 9:47pm |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
nice one, Frank - I thought it was great, right up my alley.
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Nice one, Frank. You got my highest score. |
Thanks guys for the kind words, it means a lot. This is a much better reception than my first-sound entries usually get |
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