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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Star Light, Star Bright - May
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  Author    Star Light, Star Bright - May  (currently 948 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Star Light, Star Bright by Anon - A young girl's wish to see her mother again inadvertently comes true with horrific consequences.  Short, Sci Fi


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eldave1
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the story.... good job. A couple of nits:

Cute as a button is a bit of a tired descriptor


Quoted Text
She rolls over, faces a picture frame housing a photo of her and her mother and father.


A bit clumsy – she rolls over, faces a framed picture of ….

Kudos


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Gum
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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This story appears as a snippet from something bigger, but it still has a ‘did not see that coming’ vibe, so I liked it, it was sentimental and a bit saddening. It also put me in mind of the movie ‘Solaris’, which I liked for its surreal twist of fate via the omnipotent consciousness of a celestial body, maybe they’re going to a better place. Best of luck.
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spesh2k
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Geez, that was a bummer. This was well-written. It had a Twilight Zone vibe to it with the sci-fi aspect of it. Not much of a twist, but it was definitely a gut-punch of an ending, flying himself and his daughter straight into the sun. Was the space shuttle damaged already anyway (going by the opening transmission)?

Anyway, good stuff. But a lot of these shorts are bumming me out lol, all downers.

Good work!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Spqr
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Good story and characters, but their demise is predetermined, so it's not really a twist as I understand it.
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MarkD
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:26am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good. The twist lands well, not as much as I'd have liked though.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:02am Report to Moderator
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The writing was good and I enjoyed this story.

I felt for them both.

Best of luck


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Pleb
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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Ooh I really liked this. Very Arthur C. Clarke. Nicely written and the ending, although I could see it coming, was still impactful.

Definitely one of my favourites.




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JEStaats
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Definitely a sting in the tail but I was hoping (expecting?) a more horrific reveal and felt kind of let down. That's just me, though. Well written and heartfelt. Could be filmed on a low budget too. Good work.
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mmmarnie
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Nice job here. Ticks all the boxes for me as far as the challenge goes.

Your writing is good, but could be better. Descriptions are a bit clunky.

EXAMPLE:
BILL, 40, unshaven and looking worse for wear, stands at the
opening. He offers Emily a generous smile, but there’s
sadness in his eyes and sweat hanging heavily on his brow.
His shirt is also drenched with sweat.

IMO this conveys the same thing in less words:
Standing at the door is Bill, (40), unshaven, shirt drenched in sweat.
With sadness in his eyes he offers Emily a smile.

Nice job writer!


boop
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Zack
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Great work here. Very sad. No issues with the writing at all, I saw what you wanted me to see.

This one will score well with me. Kudos.
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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this, but it really didn't land for me.

The whole idea of a father comforting his daughter as they fly into the sun didn't do much dramatically, because despite the emotions being shown, I'm just thrown into the very short scene. It needed some time to breathe if it's going to attempt to get me to feel something other than simply figuring out what's going on.

It's a nice sentiment, but it's one I've seen many times before (you'll see mommy soon, honey). And the writing is very good.
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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Touching tale and an upsettingly moving ending.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Had a sort of Twilight Zone, Ray Bradbury feel to it, the 'twist' is a little telegraphed but excusable with the page limit we have.

I liked it.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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bert
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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What a downer.

Not a bad script, but there is no tension here.

It delivers a suitable payoff, but it doesn't build to that payoff.  It's just there.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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