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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Star Light, Star Bright - May
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  Author    Star Light, Star Bright - May  (currently 946 views)
irish eyes
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Very touching Father/ Daughter short.

Very well written and sadly not how I thought it would end up...

Good job on the twist


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PKCardinal
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm. I liked this. But, it somehow felt thin. I know, I know. 2 pages. But, the writing is strong enough that I feel like more could have been done.

"All guidance systems are down." This setup means that everything just happened. The idea is stronger if the father was actively guiding the ship into the sun. Then we'd be asking: "Is this deliberate?" "Is it a reaction to the loss of his wife?" etc.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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That was depressing. But pretty good.  I thought at first they were on earth and the mom was in outer space, but it came together nicely in the way the story played out.  Unexpected twist at the end so good job pulling it all together.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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ReneC
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Oof. A gut punch.

The opening V.O. telegraphs the ending. I think it would be more effective without it. And forget the air regulators, he has bigger problems. A simple "I tried" is enough.

It hits the emotional beats well, and the writing is decent except for a couple of grammar nitpicks and a touch of overwriting.

Nicely done.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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Nice writing and a good setup. The ending felt down and flat for me. Maybe because the beginning telegraphs everything? I dunno but it is missing tension and build up. which is tough to do in 2 pages.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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LC
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 6:57am Report to Moderator
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This was one of the first I read but I held off on commenting because I needed to read it again to try and work out what exactly was missing for me.

I was put off a little bit by the cute and saccharin elements of the child, but then that may be just me. I think you can achieve the terrific atmosphere of impending doom here and it be even more effective just by dialing it back a bit.

I think I needed just a bit more focus on what they're looking at outside that window too - up until the big moment.  I wanted more description of the visuals.

Yes, I know you only had two pages.
On the fence about the last V.O.

Despite my quibbles, this is up there for me. Beautifully memorable and It stuck with me.


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MarkItZero
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Worked for me. Good idea, execution. Nice job.


That rug really tied the room together.
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FrankM
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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The copyright notice is in bold. This person is serious about protecting their work!

It wasn't clear to me if this was an intentional act, an unfortunate accident, or maybe an intentional act that couldn't be undone when having second thoughts. A distress call seems unusual if it was intentional.

To bring some unfortunate science into this science fiction, it's actually quite difficult to fly something from Earth into the Sun. You start off with all the angular momentum of the Earth's orbit, and you have to shed it all which means powerful rockets firing in "reverse." In reality, a derelict craft would end up in some very lonely orbit around the Sun.

But as they say, never let the facts get in the way of a good story And it was a touching story for two pages.

Good job!


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Andrew
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Really liked the writing and the overall economy employed in getting a real multi-layered story across in two pages. Very impressed by that. Skillfully done.

In terms of a sting in the tail... yes, kind of, but it comes a little early, because once we see Bill enter, we know exactly what is going to happen.


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stevemiles
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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A nice break from the horror and jump scares - something with some emotional weight.  I like it, a doomed spacecraft hurtling into the sun.  I’d be tempted to try and re-work the dialogue so that Emily’s wish-poem lands at the same time as the sun reveal for that little extra touch.  I like it, memorable for being different.  Good job.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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jayrex
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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A sweet little story.  I like the rhyme, nice touch.  Good job overall.


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SAC
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Damn, I knew it was something like an asteroid or something coming. Turns out THEY were heading for something. So, I liked this one alot, but man, was it sad. I feel there could have been something else thrown in there to try and take the sting out, but it is what it is. Great work!

steve


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Bort
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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Off the bat, this is not my cup of tea.

I could see where this was going with the first line of V.O. I don't know if anyone else picked up on this, but was this supposed to be a dream sequence or the final thought Bill has before he and the spaceship he's on is hurled into the sun? Which I guess also doubles as the reveal?

I think the dialog falls flat for me. It makes the scene feel two-dimensional because it feels prescriptive...

The visual of the room feels very sci-fi.

Good effort.
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