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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Smiler - May
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  Author    Smiler - May  (currently 684 views)
stevemiles
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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It’s weird and unexplained in a way that doesn’t leave more questions than answers.  I liked how they match one another’s movements that could be interesting visually not to mention unnerving.

Low budget?  I don’t know, maybe if someone has the basic knowhow for the make-up/prosthetics.

Best to finish on FADE OUT than THE END.

Yeah, I liked this but unfortunately it is hard to shake comparisons to the Smiling Man (the little girl in the kitchen scene is hard to shake).


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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OK, I agree with most of the previous criticisms you've gotten so far. I was certainly intrigued enough by its similarity to other stories like it, and props for putting your own spin on things towards the end. Best of Irish luck!


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irish eyes
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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A lot of these scripts have the same twist..
1 person chases and in turn they become the person being chased..

Not bad, the writing was very good.

2 dysfunctional "humans"


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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what to make of this one. It’s full of suspense, but if she could effectively take him on, as she does at the end, what’s the purpose of her running from him all throughout the story?  Doesn’t make sense to me.  Otherwise a fun read and loved the visuals. Best of luck with it.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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mmmarnie
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Good writing, nice visuals, quick pace. Interesting idea. It didn't knock me out but I did enjoy it. Nice entry.


boop
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MarkItZero
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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That was solid. Doesn't overstay its welcome. Sufficiently weird for my taste.


That rug really tied the room together.
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ReneC
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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This reminds me of the Jameson First Shot short The Smile Man with Willem Dafoe:

https://vimeo.com/203450398

This, however, is more of a joke. Comedy meets tragedy, turn that smile upside down. It's a meme. Written well enough, but still just a meme. At least it was original, despite the similarities to other smilers out there.


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bert
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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The story is no good, but the characters are fantastic.  Very imaginative.

One is a ridiculous emoji head, the other with her "face cloaked in shadow" -- so we kind of know already where this is leading.

The table-turn was a disappointment.  I was hoping these two would hook up.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Rob
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is effective. The description of the smiler is really creepy. A good character.

Here is what confused me: How did he get her purse? Did she drop it? I must have missed something.

A fun read.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 15th, 2021, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback!

The backstory to this is it is set in an alternate universe in which the population are all humanoid emojis. The Smiler and the Frowner are like yin and yang twins (which is why they are in sync) and locked in this endless circle of the smiler following his twin and trying to make friends with the frowner always wanting to (literally) bite his head off.

It's weird, bonkers, experimental and, of course, you can't get that from what I wrote, but I thought the setup and reversal would tell its own story and people could interpret it how they wanted.

I am going to add a scene at the end where the next day we see folk going around their business in the town and they all have different emoji faces. This would have blown any chances of it being low-budget which is why I didn't include it, but now I wished I had.

As for the Smiling Man and this being too similar. That was not my intention. I have never seen the movie before nor read the story, although I am aware of it and read a summary of it in my research, so it must have had an influence. I watched the video after Michael linked it. It is creepy, but to me, it just looks like a guy high on drugs messing around with another guy.

Thanks again!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
MarkRenshaw  -  May 15th, 2021, 7:36am
typos
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Andrew
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 6:20am Report to Moderator
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Read this and wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

Then dived into the comments (which I normally don't do, in order to avoid being influenced) and watched the Smiling Man video (genuinely brilliant spark of creativity there) and realised this is something of a homage.

So with that in mind, you've actually done a good job of putting a sting in the tail by playing on something already out there, and done it in less than two pages, which is a good job.

I think the writing would've benefitted from a quick rewrite (then again, which writing doesn't), but you've done a clever little quirk on what's already out there.

Seems people are very familiar with this existing universe of 'smiling man', but it was completely new to me.


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Andrew
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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Just read your comment, Mark, which invalidates my previous post

So your script ends up being a reverse of The Smiling Man organically, which is kind of cool and makes it slightly creepier!


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Andrew for both your comments. If people want to view this as a homage to the Smiling Man with a different twist then that's fine by me, with something so famous it is going to be impossible to avoid comparisons, even though I wasn't aware of the movie when I wrote it.

I'll add that extra scene at the end to take it to a new level but I think everyone will think I've copied the idea anyway.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 16th, 2021, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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New version uploaded and I've added this at the end to, hopefully, make it different. The plus side is it is still only 2 pages long:

EXT. CITY STREETS - MORNING

As the city wakes, the first few citizens begin their day.

Only they aren’t like you and me, not their faces anyway. A SIDE-EYED MAN with his face locked in an eternal smirk winks at a permanently BLUSHING WOMAN as they pass each other.

The sun rises, the streets fill with people. All of them have warped facial features that express their personality with crystal clear clarity.  

This is Earth of sorts, it just isn’t the one we know.

FADE OUT.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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