What a bitch!!! Visually powerful and well written.
Well done.

Not sure why this particular station, though the NYC subway has had a lot of problems with push attacks and other consequences of turning the subway into a sprawling homeless shelter.

Nice visual writing, but there were no likeable characters here. The literal twist came a little early, but with two pages there's only so many places it can appear.

Good job!

Redundant isn't strictly wrong here, but if she was trying to be an uber bitch then 'sacked' would be a better word that us Brits use. Redundancy, whilst not nice, is more a drawn out process that usually involves a payoff.

Story itself, yep, sting in the tail but something about Monika didn't quite land for me.

Decent effort though

A deft hand at work.  Nicely setting a sense of location, character, and tension for the short space.  Probably the tightest read yet.  The twist was okay - one of them’s going under the train I guess and the cold, matter-of-fact way Monika did it was well played with a darkly comic flair. I like it. Solid work.

Very well written but I didn't quite get the reveal on this one.

Enjoyed this one.

Pretty much guessed the ending as there are a familiar pattern with a lot of these scripts.. the role reversal

Either way it was well written... Maybe the hobo should have branded a weapon to pay for the consequences.

I was wondering why super-rich Monika was risking being mugged by taking the subway so late at night. It turns out she wasn't afraid of being accosted, rather she was probably hoping for a little action so she could blow off some steam. Well done.

Interesting story.  The main character is really unlikable and still comes out the winner (I guess?).  Not that there probably aren’t 20 closed circuit cameras focused on that platform but she doesn’t care!  I think we all knew someone was headed for the tracks, maybe we just didn’t expect it to be the homeless guy, so a good feint there.  Overall good effort.

Excellent writing. It gets across the sights, smells and atmosphere remarkably well and displays the characters perfectly.

It would have been nice for more of a surprising twist as I never thought the transient was going to harm her, it was obvious (to me anyway) what she was going to do but this was still great!

For those who think it is overwritten, go read the first page of The Sound of Metal screenplay, which of course won loads of awards. The whole screenplay can be read here - https://variety.com/2021/film/news/sound-of-metal-screenplay-riz-ahmed-1234891655/

I really wish writers like ourselves trying to break into the business was allowed this level of freedom with scripts but you just know if you'd enter any competitions with an opening page like this it would get points knocked off!

Anyway, back to Mind the Gap - excellent work writer!

Just to add, we shot So Pretty in a subway station in New York. We found a station that was closed for maintenance and applied for permission to shoot there. The paperwork was insane (and we had to pay for it) but it is possible to shoot there. However, any subway station you can get hold of should suffice for this.

OK, yeah… it’s that nasty third rail you wanna look out for. Not being a New Yorker (New Yorkerite… is that --?) we don’t have a third rail, or a subway for that matter. Come to think of it, we don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of in terms of a sophisticated public transportation system… but I know what you’re getting at here; that a third rail is power and pain if you land on it.

That being said, this chick is crazy, and evil, your typical callous Wall Street sociopath, in this case… psychopath; a fine line between the two perhaps. Being a bum in a big city is no fun at all, you’re always a victim in some shape or form cause you’ve fallen off the grid, death is inevitable at some point. But maybe all he wanted was money for a cheese sandwich? Works well with the theme, best of luck.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw For those who think it is overwritten, go read the first page of The Sound of Metal screenplay, which of course won loads of awards. The whole screenplay can be read here - https://variety.com/2021/film/news/sound-of-metal-screenplay-riz-ahmed-1234891655/ I really wish writers like ourselves trying to break into the business was allowed this level of freedom with scripts but you just know if you'd enter any competitions with an opening page like this it would get points knocked off!

Deleted my last comment because I don't want to get into a back and forth on here, but differing opinions are okay.

Some great visuals here. And, the suspense held, despite the fact that all the pieces were in place early. The question was: which one hits the tracks?

One of the best.

Writer,

Liked this one alot. Top marks from me. Good visuals, nice sting in the tail, dialogue. Ticked the right boxed for me. Good work!

Steve

Thanks for all the reads/comments - more positive than what I was anticipating so I'm happy.

As for being dense or overwritten - as a thriller, I wanted to build as much foreboding as possibly for what ends up being a single interaction. If I was brief, the suspense and mood would have been lost. I wanted the reader to want Monika pushed off the platform but still for an unknown possibility.

Why that particular platform? Go there someday. It's a bit more gritty than most. A hold over from how I remember NYC in the '70s.

I liked this one, and it was very well written.

There's a lingering feeling of being underwhelmed, as if something is missing. Just can't quite put my finger on it.

I can see a highly stylised short being made from this, however, if a talented filmmaker gets their hands on it.