Mind the Gap by The Smell of Ozone, Grit, and Broken Dreams - An early morning encounter on a subway platform ends in a flash.  Short, Thriller

I liked this. As a NYC'er myself who used to take the E train at 50th to Astoria everyday, I could definitely picture everything. Though this probably would have to be filmed in another city -- it can be difficult getting proper permits to shoot in NYC subways unless it's quick pick-up shots (whether at the station or on the train). Maybe if you shot it with an Iphone or something... though that 3rd rail spot might be difficult.

Anyway, enough about logistics. I did enjoy this -- been seeing a lot of "tables turning" with the characters in a lot of the shorts I've read so far. But this was fairly well done -- although I could kinda see it coming in. She definitely had some "American Psycho" vibes. I'd probably make her nicer on the phone so it's less predictable.

Nice work!

-- Michael

Good work here - a complete story in 2 pages

This was really good. Made me miss the NYC subways. Great descriptions. Just very good writing over all and nice twist. Great job writer.

Ha. Good work here. Monika is a bad bitch. lol

Enjoyed the writing and the story.

The twist was cool. It's a lot of setup for her to do that to a random stranger, unless I'm missing something. I feel like we're just getting to know her and then it's over. But I do want to know more so I guess good job.

Really liked the writing on this one.

The story was decent, but it felt like it should be a scene in a larger story. Why is a homeless man trying to kill her? And even though it has "the rich, powerful woman turns out to be worse than the homeless killer" angle, I really don't know what to get out of it. It kind of seemed a little mean spirited, like I was supposed to be happy she killed the homeless man who reeked of urine.  

Still, the atmosphere set up was great!

I'm a little torn on this one. The homeless person's motivations are unclear, but that doesn't much matter, he probably just wanted a quarter. No twist here, she was steady throughout and he was no more than a mosquito to be squashed. More of a shock I guess at how far she would go, though it was telegraphed a mile away with the train coming.

Decent writing, though a little overwritten. I didn't feel anything for the homeless person and I despise her, so it didn't connect with me. But she is a full character, one-note but realized. Nice job.

Hi writer,

That felt really dense and over written even at two pages.

Not a whole lot of story here despite that. Woman throws hobo on train tracks for being a hobo. Didn't feel anything for either of these characters.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.

I don't think the Homeless Man is a threat at all. I think as far as Monika's concerned he's at best a pest, at worst the detritus of society - to be disposed of, won't be missed.

MONIKA
I don't know what's worse. The
smell of urine or the stench of
broken dreams.

With expert fluidity, she jerks him forward and off the
platform onto the tracks

Hahha! Funny girl. I think Monika's done similar before. Nobody gets in her way.
If you get in her way, or you're not on her side you'll soon be made redundant.

It cries out to be called Redundant doesn't it?

Enough of the unexpected e.g. twist/shock in the plotline for me here:
I suppose you could make 'transient guy' a little bit more threatening?

One nitpick with your choice of words and associated implication:
The silence is broken by the SQUEAL of a poorly serviced
turnstile

I really thought Monika squealed and was being pursued.
Squeak, screech, scrape, might be better? Rusted hinges etc.

Anyway, I loved this bad girl. Great satirical black comedy, as well as Thriller imho.

Loved the entire thing.

Written with some very nice dark humour that made me chuckle too.
Reminded me of the brutal scene in House of Cards too when Frank Underwood threw Zoe Barnes into the path of a speeding train.

Terrific depth of description here too.

P.S. Was watching something about Japanese trains the other day. They are designed with guard rails so no possibility of being thrown or jumping onto tracks.

Solid!

I really liked this. Clear, crips writing and very atmospheric.

Really good job.

Overwritten for a 2-pager but you got the story in.

Enjoyed it, The flicking lights and approaching "bad guy" would be good on film. Good work

I didn't get it. A woman pushes a guy off the train and is surely happy about it. Maybe going for a psychotic character but the action comes off as worthless. Nothing special.  

I dunno.  I both like the writing style and also felt it might have been ladled on a bit thick.

Monika's penultimate line of dialogue sounded better in your head.

I love the description of the "photo shoot" imagery.  In fact, I might have just ended there.

I bet that poor guy was either going to ask for change or scold her for waking him up. Overall, good set-up and visual descriptions. Straight forward story with a touch of American Psycho. Just another commute to work for Monika. Good work, writer.

What a bitch!!! Visually powerful and well written.
Well done.

Not sure why this particular station, though the NYC subway has had a lot of problems with push attacks and other consequences of turning the subway into a sprawling homeless shelter.

Nice visual writing, but there were no likeable characters here. The literal twist came a little early, but with two pages there's only so many places it can appear.

Good job!

Redundant isn't strictly wrong here, but if she was trying to be an uber bitch then 'sacked' would be a better word that us Brits use. Redundancy, whilst not nice, is more a drawn out process that usually involves a payoff.

Story itself, yep, sting in the tail but something about Monika didn't quite land for me.

Decent effort though

A deft hand at work.  Nicely setting a sense of location, character, and tension for the short space.  Probably the tightest read yet.  The twist was okay - one of them’s going under the train I guess and the cold, matter-of-fact way Monika did it was well played with a darkly comic flair. I like it. Solid work.

Very well written but I didn't quite get the reveal on this one.

Enjoyed this one.

Pretty much guessed the ending as there are a familiar pattern with a lot of these scripts.. the role reversal

Either way it was well written... Maybe the hobo should have branded a weapon to pay for the consequences.

I was wondering why super-rich Monika was risking being mugged by taking the subway so late at night. It turns out she wasn't afraid of being accosted, rather she was probably hoping for a little action so she could blow off some steam. Well done.

Interesting story.  The main character is really unlikable and still comes out the winner (I guess?).  Not that there probably aren’t 20 closed circuit cameras focused on that platform but she doesn’t care!  I think we all knew someone was headed for the tracks, maybe we just didn’t expect it to be the homeless guy, so a good feint there.  Overall good effort.

Excellent writing. It gets across the sights, smells and atmosphere remarkably well and displays the characters perfectly.

It would have been nice for more of a surprising twist as I never thought the transient was going to harm her, it was obvious (to me anyway) what she was going to do but this was still great!

For those who think it is overwritten, go read the first page of The Sound of Metal screenplay, which of course won loads of awards. The whole screenplay can be read here - https://variety.com/2021/film/news/sound-of-metal-screenplay-riz-ahmed-1234891655/

I really wish writers like ourselves trying to break into the business was allowed this level of freedom with scripts but you just know if you'd enter any competitions with an opening page like this it would get points knocked off!

Anyway, back to Mind the Gap - excellent work writer!

Just to add, we shot So Pretty in a subway station in New York. We found a station that was closed for maintenance and applied for permission to shoot there. The paperwork was insane (and we had to pay for it) but it is possible to shoot there. However, any subway station you can get hold of should suffice for this.

OK, yeah… it’s that nasty third rail you wanna look out for. Not being a New Yorker (New Yorkerite… is that --?) we don’t have a third rail, or a subway for that matter. Come to think of it, we don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of in terms of a sophisticated public transportation system… but I know what you’re getting at here; that a third rail is power and pain if you land on it.

That being said, this chick is crazy, and evil, your typical callous Wall Street sociopath, in this case… psychopath; a fine line between the two perhaps. Being a bum in a big city is no fun at all, you’re always a victim in some shape or form cause you’ve fallen off the grid, death is inevitable at some point. But maybe all he wanted was money for a cheese sandwich? Works well with the theme, best of luck.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw For those who think it is overwritten, go read the first page of The Sound of Metal screenplay, which of course won loads of awards. The whole screenplay can be read here - https://variety.com/2021/film/news/sound-of-metal-screenplay-riz-ahmed-1234891655/ I really wish writers like ourselves trying to break into the business was allowed this level of freedom with scripts but you just know if you'd enter any competitions with an opening page like this it would get points knocked off!

Deleted my last comment because I don't want to get into a back and forth on here, but differing opinions are okay.

Some great visuals here. And, the suspense held, despite the fact that all the pieces were in place early. The question was: which one hits the tracks?

One of the best.

Writer,

Liked this one alot. Top marks from me. Good visuals, nice sting in the tail, dialogue. Ticked the right boxed for me. Good work!

Steve

Thanks for all the reads/comments - more positive than what I was anticipating so I'm happy.

As for being dense or overwritten - as a thriller, I wanted to build as much foreboding as possibly for what ends up being a single interaction. If I was brief, the suspense and mood would have been lost. I wanted the reader to want Monika pushed off the platform but still for an unknown possibility.

Why that particular platform? Go there someday. It's a bit more gritty than most. A hold over from how I remember NYC in the '70s.

I liked this one, and it was very well written.

There's a lingering feeling of being underwhelmed, as if something is missing. Just can't quite put my finger on it.

I can see a highly stylised short being made from this, however, if a talented filmmaker gets their hands on it.

Thanks, Andrew - Appreciate the comment. I know what you mean though. It might be something as simple as how the man's hand is positioned (e.g., palm up or palm out). IDK.