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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Nothing To Fear - May
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  Author    Nothing To Fear - May  (currently 482 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nothing To Fear by Also written by - A mother proves to her son the monster under his bed isn't real.  Short, Horror


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Great writing on display, this was tense and immersive.

Story wise I can't say there was anything really new here and I'm again not sure what the twist/shock/sting was? What we were told was actually there.

All the best.



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Warren  -  May 12th, 2021, 12:07am
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spesh2k
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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This was okay for me. The writing was good, but the twist happened halfway through. I could see this getting picked up and made into a micro-short there -- the ending/final image has potential for a great scare if done right.

Good work.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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mmmarnie
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't catch a twist at the end. The whole closet thing reminded me a bit of Poltergeist. It had many scary elements in it though...under the bed, in the closet, shape in the mirror. Was just missing a good twist for me.


boop
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SAC
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Not a bad set-up, but you kind of left us hanging, like... So, we know there are monsters, but who are they? what do they want? Basically, no twist here. Makes it feel like the opening tension comes away unfulfilled.

Steve


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LC
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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For a two-pager where every word counts, I don't think you need this

With a dancer’s
grace, she strides up onto the covers.

'strides' seems an odd word choice too.

You got the spooky vibe spot on, the title is great, you had me on edge, but then there's not really anything unexpected that shocked me.

Maybe if Brenda looks and there's nothing under the bed, nothing in the wardrobe, she checks everything, soothes him - tells him: there's nothing to fear, but fear itself - Mom kisses him goodnight, walks out, and then kid looks up and there it is, clinging to the ceiling. Tony tries to scream - no sound - It dives on top of him -  then the sound of his scream, a jarring smash cut, roll some creepy jarring music.

The bones of this one are definitely here.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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This set its course from the opening and didn't veer at all - when walking a well-trodden path we need something different, a USP.

Nice effort though


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Don
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Not sure the logic.  If you look at them, you can't see them, but if you look at them through a reflection you can?  Note; in horror logic isn't always the most important thing.  
Still. Scarey.


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Yuvraj
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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Not a real twist for me. It was pretty much clear that both will end up dead. And the writing is a bit confusing to understand as to what is going on since so much happens in the sense of action. Could have been written much simpler.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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Very nice writing, it set up the tension and atmosphere well. it's just, well this has been done to death and there was no twist at the end.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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eldave1
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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This:


Quoted Text
BRENDA
Stay right there. Whoever you
are... just stay right there!


Struck me as odd dialogue for the moment.

Otherwise - really well written. Alas - premise wise, a really warned premise - monster under the bed/in the closet done a million times


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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I like the idea of a the old monster under the bed, but the mother acted very weird, like this was almost a daily occurrence. First she speaks to the monster, then she immediately knows to grab a mirror to see better (?). It seems more like the actions of a superhero than a mother seeing monsters attack her son.

A simple reworking of those elements, and this could be a scary, effective horror short.
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JEStaats
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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'Brenda sighs, wipes sleep from her eyes. With a dancer’s
grace, she strides up onto the covers.'

IDK, that line struck me very funny when I visualized it.

What's with the mirror? Did I miss something here? Overall, a very straightforward little story that was what Tony claimed, so no surprise except we're not supposed to be expecting them? Parameters aside, a gripping story. Good work, writer.
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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Good sharp story, succinct and thorough. Just no twist for me.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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ReneC
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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It's all about that jump scare ending, and I think visually this will deliver in spades. The monsters are real, that's the story.

Nice job.


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