|
Author |
Nothing To Fear - May (currently 481 views) |
stevemiles |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:38pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Nicely handled for the most part. Feels too stock with a reliance on jump scares to do the heavy lifting. Simple enough and I think you captured the urgency of the moment in the writing but a monster under the bed needs more of a fresh angle to land with any weight. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 15 - 27 |
|
|
AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:02pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Another one that feels a little too familiar imho, and the 'twist' isn't really there... boy says there are monsters and there are.
Writing was good though. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 16 - 27 |
|
|
Zack |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:31pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Not really a twist. Writing gets sloppy towards the end. But...I actually still like it! It'd make for an effective short if handled properly. Good effort. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 17 - 27 |
|
|
irish eyes |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:16pm |
|
|
January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Monsters under the bed told many times over.
No real twist here maybe the son could have been the Monster??? anything to change up a played out scene.
Sorry didn't work for me |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 18 - 27 |
|
|
Gary in Houston |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:49pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
So there really are monsters under the bed and in the closet. Given that we’re almost expecting that, I felt like it really wasn’t a twist. Maybe if she was going to take a shower and the monster was hiding behind the curtain, or she goes downstairs and the monster’s in a comfy chair watching TV, that would be a twist. It’s not badly written at all, just wanted a little more out of it. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
|
|
|
|
Reply: 19 - 27 |
|
|
Gum |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:08am |
|
|
Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Lot of tension going on, kept me intrigued for sure, but the payoff left me confused. There was a black hole in the closet and Tony succumbed to that, and a slithering gnarly toothed thing under the bed lashing out at Brenda. I’m thinking there was some type of ominous portal in the closet, perhaps a gateway to a demonic lair that somehow opened up for… some reason? Curious story, like a ‘Monsters Inc’ thing going on, but instead of harvesting fear, they harvest souls? Just a thought. Best of luck. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 20 - 27 |
|
|
bert |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:23am |
|
|
AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4232 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Something under the bed is one of my favorite genres.
But adding an odd set of rules to the game, that Brenda immediately intuits, weakens this tale. And the ending isn't a twist at all, but is instead where tales such as this inevitably lead.
It's a breeze to read, though. I suspect this is an author that has better works in their library of titles. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 21 - 27 |
|
|
Spqr |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 12:35pm |
|
|
Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
It's well written, but this scene has a become a cliche in horror movies. |
|
|
|
Reply: 22 - 27 |
|
|
MarkItZero |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 12:35pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Didn't see a twist at the end. Gotta find a more unique angle cuz monster under the bed is done to death. Lights Out had the shadow thing, Smiling Man has... a smiling man. Something that makes it a more unique monster. And if you can somehow work that into the whole fear/belief in monsters thing? |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 23 - 27 |
|
|
FrankM |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 3:24pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
This is good, visual writing, and definitely qualifies as horror, but I'm not really seing a twist here. It's horror, of course the monsters are real There is a shock, though. Good job! |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 24 - 27 |
|
|
MarkItZero |
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 12:53pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Thanks for the notes.
I somehow got confused and thought jump scare ending counted as a "shock". The rules were very simple and clear. But they also had a lot of words and reading words is hard. That's why we use memes now.
Not sure there's much here even if it had a twist. But might give it another go down the road so am keeping your comments in mind. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 25 - 27 |
|
|
bert |
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 1:05pm |
|
|
AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4232 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Didn't see a twist at the end. Gotta find a more unique angle cuz monster under the bed is done to death. Lights Out had the shadow thing, Smiling Man has... a smiling man. Something that makes it a more unique monster. |
Points for totally dunking on your own script, though, which always amuses me when done correctly in these challenges. Jeff was so bad at it |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 26 - 27 |
|
|
MarkItZero |
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 1:25pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Points for totally dunking on your own script, though, which always amuses me when done correctly in these challenges. Jeff was so bad at it |
That was a light dunking, I let myself off easy. There was one other script where I really had to put myself in my place. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 27 - 27 |
|
|