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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Nothing To Fear - May
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  Author    Nothing To Fear - May  (currently 481 views)
stevemiles
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely handled for the most part.  Feels too stock with a reliance on jump scares to do the heavy lifting.  Simple enough and I think you captured the urgency of the moment in the writing but a monster under the bed needs more of a fresh angle to land with any weight.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Another one that feels a little too familiar imho, and the 'twist' isn't really there... boy says there are monsters and there are.

Writing was good though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Zack
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Not really a twist. Writing gets sloppy towards the end. But...I actually still like it! It'd make for an effective short if handled properly.

Good effort.
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irish eyes
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Monsters under the bed told many times over.

No real twist here maybe the son could have been the Monster??? anything to change up a played out scene.

Sorry didn't work for me


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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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So there really are monsters under the bed and in the closet. Given that we’re almost expecting that, I felt like it really wasn’t a twist.  Maybe if she was going to take a shower and the monster was hiding behind the curtain, or she goes downstairs and the monster’s in a comfy chair watching TV, that would be a twist.  It’s not badly written at all, just wanted a little more out of it.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Gum
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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Lot of tension going on, kept me intrigued for sure, but the payoff left me confused. There was a black hole in the closet and Tony succumbed to that, and a slithering gnarly toothed thing under the bed lashing out at Brenda. I’m thinking there was some type of ominous portal in the closet, perhaps a gateway to a demonic lair that somehow opened up for… some reason? Curious story, like a ‘Monsters Inc’ thing going on, but instead of harvesting fear, they harvest souls? Just a thought. Best of luck.
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bert
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Something under the bed is one of my favorite genres.

But adding an odd set of rules to the game, that Brenda immediately intuits, weakens this tale.  And the ending isn't a twist at all, but is instead where tales such as this inevitably lead.

It's a breeze to read, though.  I suspect this is an author that has better works in their library of titles.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Spqr
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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It's well written, but this scene has a become a cliche in horror movies.
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MarkItZero
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't see a twist at the end. Gotta find a more unique angle cuz monster under the bed is done to death. Lights Out had the shadow thing, Smiling Man has... a smiling man. Something that makes it a more unique monster. And if you can somehow work that into the whole fear/belief in monsters thing?


That rug really tied the room together.
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FrankM
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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This is good, visual writing, and  definitely qualifies as horror, but I'm not really seing a twist here. It's horror, of course the monsters are real

There is a shock, though.

Good job!


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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MarkItZero
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the notes.

I somehow got confused and thought jump scare ending counted as a "shock". The rules were very simple and clear. But they also had a lot of words and reading words is hard. That's why we use memes now.

Not sure there's much here even if it had a twist. But might give it another go down the road so am keeping your comments in mind.


That rug really tied the room together.
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bert
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkItZero
Didn't see a twist at the end. Gotta find a more unique angle cuz monster under the bed is done to death. Lights Out had the shadow thing, Smiling Man has... a smiling man. Something that makes it a more unique monster.


Points for totally dunking on your own script, though, which always amuses me when done correctly in these challenges.  Jeff was so bad at it  



Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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MarkItZero
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


Points for totally dunking on your own script, though, which always amuses me when done correctly in these challenges.  Jeff was so bad at it  



That was a light dunking, I let myself off easy. There was one other script where I really had to put myself in my place.


That rug really tied the room together.
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