SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 4:33am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Inside Out - May
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Inside Out - May  (currently 534 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Inside Out by Also, no name - Sometimes you must obey the voice, no matter whose it is.  Short, Horror


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Gum
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
Okay, yeah… didn’t see that coming. A Son of Sam thing. I actually just watched a limited series on the Son of Sam murders on Netshitz, so this was kind of a cool follow up, solid entry.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
mmmarnie
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1085
Posts Per Day
0.22
This is definitely well written. I like the noir vibe. First page had me totally hooked but not sure I understand the twist of it. Didn't understand the dog's role.

I did like the writing though...was just a bit lost on the ending.


boop
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 23
Zack
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
Very visual, I really enjoyed the writing. Dialog was hit and miss. And I'm not sure why the voice suddenly changed from V.O. to O.S. And then the big dog at the end? What the hell is happening here?

I do like it, just not sure I fully understand it. Good effort.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi writer,


Quoted Text
A solitary lamp, dim bulb, barely lights a drab room. An open
window lets in the faint noise of traffic.
Sobbing is heard. On the floor, in the --


This all reads quite awkwardly and it has no flow.

The writing in general needs some work, it's quite stilted.

I'm completely lost on the ending. The dog was a twist but I don't get it at all. EDIT... I get it now, a bit slow on the up take

All the best.




Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  May 12th, 2021, 5:03pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 23
spesh2k
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
1186
Posts Per Day
0.20
The writing was fine, but this didn't do it for me at all. I dunno, for some reason, the way it's written, I felt like the writer was saying "Gotcha!" like it was some kind of out-of-nowhere twist. But the twist was telegraphed from the beginning, thus I didn't see it as a twist at all. Nice effort, though.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:12am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Ummm, what? Woof?

Writing was fine for me, easy to follow. The ending just comes so far out of left field it seems comical.

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:06am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
"Was a woman" - does being dead remove your gender? seemed an odd thing to say lol

A dog, that is him? no idea what the ending is about.

Best of luck


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it

Revision History (1 edits)
Matthew Taylor  -  May 12th, 2021, 8:57am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
Don
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:49am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Nice twist.  I was expecting more at the end.  I just don't know what it was that I'm expecting.  "The End" at the end of a story helps.  Even if the end of the script is un-ambiguous, I still need to see "The End" at the end.

I got hung up on the footsteps at the end, and then there is a dog.  Perhaps use "The VOICE get's louder as it drawns near."  Unless the dog is a manifestation of Jack's dual personality.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
JEStaats
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:59am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
I get the Son of Sam reference but it fell flat for me. It's his inner voice/monologue that he pins on the dog. That's the way it is. I would've liked a little bit more of a twist and have the dog sitting with his back against the wall, smoking a cigarette, and having a REAL conversation. That would've been a fresh take.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
eldave1
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Writing was fine other than I had to read the opening twice - as it was written I thought the sobbing was coming from the Woman (of course it wasn't).

Story-wise - just okay. A Son of Sam type tale that we have seen a lot.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 23
Cacutshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
177
Posts Per Day
0.07
That darned Son of Sam!

I don't think it was much of a shock that the "voice" was his own. There needed to be some extra element to steer the reader from thinking he's just crazy in the first place. Might be too much for just two pages.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
MarkItZero
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
I didn't quite get the twist. Checking the comments it's a Son of Sam reference. I do like that the voice transfers and it's everywhere at the end. Dialogue could use some reworking. Decent effort.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 23
Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There's always a single malt waiting for you.

Location
Glasgow, Scotland
Posts
411
Posts Per Day
0.27
Good set up but didn't need the "was a woman". Should just have had her dead. Twist at the was nice but a dog telling someone to commit murder has been done before in real life.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
ReneC
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1435
Posts Per Day
0.31
Typical. Blame it on the dog.

More of a reference than a twist, but it did come out of left field, so there's that. Actually, I think that scene is almost identical to one in Summer of Sam, isn't it? Can you get John Turturro to do the voice here too?  

The writing is decent, good effort.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The May 2021 Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006