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Inside Out - May (currently 534 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:04pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Inside Out by Also, no name - Sometimes you must obey the voice, no matter whose it is. Short, Horror |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Gum |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:03pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Okay, yeah… didn’t see that coming. A Son of Sam thing. I actually just watched a limited series on the Son of Sam murders on Netshitz, so this was kind of a cool follow up, solid entry. |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:05pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
This is definitely well written. I like the noir vibe. First page had me totally hooked but not sure I understand the twist of it. Didn't understand the dog's role.
I did like the writing though...was just a bit lost on the ending. |
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Zack |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:06pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Very visual, I really enjoyed the writing. Dialog was hit and miss. And I'm not sure why the voice suddenly changed from V.O. to O.S. And then the big dog at the end? What the hell is happening here?
I do like it, just not sure I fully understand it. Good effort. |
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Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:35pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Quoted Text A solitary lamp, dim bulb, barely lights a drab room. An open window lets in the faint noise of traffic. Sobbing is heard. On the floor, in the --
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This all reads quite awkwardly and it has no flow. The writing in general needs some work, it's quite stilted. I'm completely lost on the ending. The dog was a twist but I don't get it at all. EDIT... I get it now, a bit slow on the up take All the best. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - May 12th, 2021, 5:03pm | | |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:39pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
The writing was fine, but this didn't do it for me at all. I dunno, for some reason, the way it's written, I felt like the writer was saying "Gotcha!" like it was some kind of out-of-nowhere twist. But the twist was telegraphed from the beginning, thus I didn't see it as a twist at all. Nice effort, though.
-- Michael |
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Reply: 5 - 23 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:12am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Ummm, what? Woof?
Writing was fine for me, easy to follow. The ending just comes so far out of left field it seems comical.
Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 6 - 23 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:06am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
"Was a woman" - does being dead remove your gender? seemed an odd thing to say lol
A dog, that is him? no idea what the ending is about.
Best of luck |
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 7 - 23 |
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Don |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:49am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Nice twist. I was expecting more at the end. I just don't know what it was that I'm expecting. "The End" at the end of a story helps. Even if the end of the script is un-ambiguous, I still need to see "The End" at the end.
I got hung up on the footsteps at the end, and then there is a dog. Perhaps use "The VOICE get's louder as it drawns near." Unless the dog is a manifestation of Jack's dual personality.
- Don |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Reply: 8 - 23 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:59am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I get the Son of Sam reference but it fell flat for me. It's his inner voice/monologue that he pins on the dog. That's the way it is. I would've liked a little bit more of a twist and have the dog sitting with his back against the wall, smoking a cigarette, and having a REAL conversation. That would've been a fresh take. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:25pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Writing was fine other than I had to read the opening twice - as it was written I thought the sobbing was coming from the Woman (of course it wasn't).
Story-wise - just okay. A Son of Sam type tale that we have seen a lot. |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:09pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
That darned Son of Sam!
I don't think it was much of a shock that the "voice" was his own. There needed to be some extra element to steer the reader from thinking he's just crazy in the first place. Might be too much for just two pages. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:09pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
I didn't quite get the twist. Checking the comments it's a Son of Sam reference. I do like that the voice transfers and it's everywhere at the end. Dialogue could use some reworking. Decent effort. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:54pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Good set up but didn't need the "was a woman". Should just have had her dead. Twist at the was nice but a dog telling someone to commit murder has been done before in real life. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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ReneC |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:43pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Typical. Blame it on the dog. More of a reference than a twist, but it did come out of left field, so there's that. Actually, I think that scene is almost identical to one in Summer of Sam, isn't it? Can you get John Turturro to do the voice here too? The writing is decent, good effort. |
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