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Inside Out - May (currently 535 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:04pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Inside Out by Also, no name - Sometimes you must obey the voice, no matter whose it is. Short, Horror |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Gum |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:03pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Okay, yeah… didn’t see that coming. A Son of Sam thing. I actually just watched a limited series on the Son of Sam murders on Netshitz, so this was kind of a cool follow up, solid entry. |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:05pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
This is definitely well written. I like the noir vibe. First page had me totally hooked but not sure I understand the twist of it. Didn't understand the dog's role.
I did like the writing though...was just a bit lost on the ending. |
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Zack |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:06pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Very visual, I really enjoyed the writing. Dialog was hit and miss. And I'm not sure why the voice suddenly changed from V.O. to O.S. And then the big dog at the end? What the hell is happening here?
I do like it, just not sure I fully understand it. Good effort. |
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Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:35pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Quoted Text A solitary lamp, dim bulb, barely lights a drab room. An open window lets in the faint noise of traffic. Sobbing is heard. On the floor, in the --
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This all reads quite awkwardly and it has no flow. The writing in general needs some work, it's quite stilted. I'm completely lost on the ending. The dog was a twist but I don't get it at all. EDIT... I get it now, a bit slow on the up take All the best. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - May 12th, 2021, 5:03pm | | |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:39pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
The writing was fine, but this didn't do it for me at all. I dunno, for some reason, the way it's written, I felt like the writer was saying "Gotcha!" like it was some kind of out-of-nowhere twist. But the twist was telegraphed from the beginning, thus I didn't see it as a twist at all. Nice effort, though.
-- Michael |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:12am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Ummm, what? Woof?
Writing was fine for me, easy to follow. The ending just comes so far out of left field it seems comical.
Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:06am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
"Was a woman" - does being dead remove your gender? seemed an odd thing to say lol
A dog, that is him? no idea what the ending is about.
Best of luck |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Don |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:49am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Nice twist. I was expecting more at the end. I just don't know what it was that I'm expecting. "The End" at the end of a story helps. Even if the end of the script is un-ambiguous, I still need to see "The End" at the end.
I got hung up on the footsteps at the end, and then there is a dog. Perhaps use "The VOICE get's louder as it drawns near." Unless the dog is a manifestation of Jack's dual personality.
- Don |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:59am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I get the Son of Sam reference but it fell flat for me. It's his inner voice/monologue that he pins on the dog. That's the way it is. I would've liked a little bit more of a twist and have the dog sitting with his back against the wall, smoking a cigarette, and having a REAL conversation. That would've been a fresh take. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:25pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Writing was fine other than I had to read the opening twice - as it was written I thought the sobbing was coming from the Woman (of course it wasn't).
Story-wise - just okay. A Son of Sam type tale that we have seen a lot. |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:09pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
That darned Son of Sam!
I don't think it was much of a shock that the "voice" was his own. There needed to be some extra element to steer the reader from thinking he's just crazy in the first place. Might be too much for just two pages. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:09pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
I didn't quite get the twist. Checking the comments it's a Son of Sam reference. I do like that the voice transfers and it's everywhere at the end. Dialogue could use some reworking. Decent effort. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:54pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Good set up but didn't need the "was a woman". Should just have had her dead. Twist at the was nice but a dog telling someone to commit murder has been done before in real life. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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ReneC |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:43pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Typical. Blame it on the dog. More of a reference than a twist, but it did come out of left field, so there's that. Actually, I think that scene is almost identical to one in Summer of Sam, isn't it? Can you get John Turturro to do the voice here too? The writing is decent, good effort. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:50pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Don't know, this felt a little too familiar for me... and whilst I get the reference I didn't feel it worked here for some reason.
Decently written though. |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:20pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Isn't the black dog from the Son of Sam?
well written but I didn't see any twist here. It was straight forward from start to finish. Unless you're ripping Son of Sam off.
Not for me sorry
Good job on entering |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:48pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Well, count me as confused. Jack is taking commands from his dog? Or is Jack the dog and vice versa? I like crazy in scripts, but I do also like to understand what’s happening. Maybe with a rewrite you could provide just a tad more clarity to the scenario. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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PKCardinal |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:50pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Didn't get it at all. Footsteps. Dog.
Reading the comments, I can see why... I don't know anything about Son of Sam.
The sobbing was confusing. You go from sobbing to the woman in the hall. The writing connects the two elements. Maybe if you mention that it's a male sobbing? |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 12:14pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
I guess Jack read too many "Son of Sam" articles, and actually believed that a demon-possessed dog gave David Berkowitz orders to kill. But where Berkowitz admitted he invented that story, Jack's mind has actually conjured up a real demon dog. This was a good effort at showing what might be going on in a damaged mind |
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bert |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 1:26pm |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4232 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
For some reason this one made me laugh at the reveal.
That doesn't mean I didn't like it. I did. Nice work. |
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 3:50pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Are we still in the HALLWAY with Jack on the couch?
I like what you’re going for but would we connect the voice to the dog as written? Maybe… Or perhaps it’s vague for that reason. You had a little more room to play with which is a shame, could have given us a little more to go on. Not a bad concept but the twist didn’t land for me. |
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FrankM |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 4:43pm |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
This reminds me of the Spider-Man scene where Norman Osborn is talking with the Green Goblin mask. Pulling off a twist like this is nigh-impossible in two pages because the trope of remorseful lunatic talking to himself is so common.
The writing does evoke remorse, though, rather than giving the impression that he'd broken an expensive belonging or was simply worried about getting caught. Well written there.
On the technical side, using (O.S.) instead of (V.O.) is a bit of a cheat. The problem is that using (V.O.) makes the entire setup plain to see.
Nice effort with this one!
EDIT: If I was supposed to pick up a Son of Sam reference, I don't know it so that part was lost on me. |
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Claudio |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:14pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Spooky and dark.
I liked the writing, the building tension worked for me. I wish there was more of a twist. I think the writer could expand on the story here, this could be the cold open for something longer.
Nice work~ |
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