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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Swiped Away - May
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  Author    Swiped Away - May  (currently 442 views)
bert
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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I am buying into the premise here, and liking it, but the specific means of Maria's revenge leaves me cold.

In fact, if played out on screen, I think it would provoke more laughs than chills.

You've got the bones of something here, though, and the author is encouraged to return to this one later given the luxury of additional time, thought, and pages.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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This was great until the end... I'd suggest maybe he turns round and Maria is there in his apartment, something like that... the laser thing didn't work for me.

Good job!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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irish eyes
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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The setup was more for a comedy but then it darkened... in a good way

I really enjoyed this.

Although I don't know if i would have ended with Maria putting her hands back covering her face... Maybe a wry smile now that she killed her rapist.

Overall a really good entry


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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Really enjoyed this one.  Totally original thinking – maybe you revealed the twist a little too early but I can live with it.  Great use of social media for the script.  Nicely done.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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LC
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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Terrific, up until the method with which she disposes of him.

If I think of anything I'll let you know.
Great concept.


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PKCardinal
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Nothing to add except one more anti-laser vote.

Overall, good job.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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stevemiles
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Is Maria’s voice coming from the phone or as a V.O.? I mean, it would be voiced over if filmed, but where are we hearing the voice coming from?  Maybe good to clarify for the reader.

Strong writing.  I was with you until the laser phone, that kind of tripped me up.  Just feels too over the top.  Maybe there’s a more subtle approach to app based vengeance?  I like the tech and dating app angle - gives you something different to work with and it stands out just not on board with that ending.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Claudio
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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This started well for me, I liked the potential directions set-up here.

I wasn't into the ending, it veered towards silly territory. I think that with a few more pages this could be really great. Can build up with tinder glitching, swiping left on the ghost just brings her up more, etc. Could be fun.

Nice work~


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