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I am buying into the premise here, and liking it, but the specific means of Maria's revenge leaves me cold.
In fact, if played out on screen, I think it would provoke more laughs than chills.
You've got the bones of something here, though, and the author is encouraged to return to this one later given the luxury of additional time, thought, and pages.
This was great until the end... I'd suggest maybe he turns round and Maria is there in his apartment, something like that... the laser thing didn't work for me.
Really enjoyed this one. Totally original thinking – maybe you revealed the twist a little too early but I can live with it. Great use of social media for the script. Nicely done.
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Is Maria’s voice coming from the phone or as a V.O.? I mean, it would be voiced over if filmed, but where are we hearing the voice coming from? Maybe good to clarify for the reader.
Strong writing. I was with you until the laser phone, that kind of tripped me up. Just feels too over the top. Maybe there’s a more subtle approach to app based vengeance? I like the tech and dating app angle - gives you something different to work with and it stands out just not on board with that ending.
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This started well for me, I liked the potential directions set-up here.
I wasn't into the ending, it veered towards silly territory. I think that with a few more pages this could be really great. Can build up with tinder glitching, swiping left on the ghost just brings her up more, etc. Could be fun.