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The Guileless - May (currently 663 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:06pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The Guileless by #123 - A woman sees a little boy on an empty street in the middle of the night. Short, Horror |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:04pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Not for me - I really didn't get the theme of the story - i.e., not sure what the point was. |
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Reply: 1 - 27 |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:26pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
So the kid is bait? Nice. Your writing could use a bit more of a punch though. Was a little on the drab side. Better descriptions to help with atmosphere. But great idea. Nice job! |
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Reply: 2 - 27 |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:30pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I liked this. Short but sweet. And the kid using himself as bait for an unseen force... for a chocolate bar lol. I could see this being produced (it's pretty much no-budget).
Good work.
-- Michael |
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Reply: 3 - 27 |
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ReneC |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:56pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Nice twist, the ending makes it work. There could be a bit more concern from her and the writing at the end should be faster with sudden rise in tension. Not a bad effort though. I've seen worse at festivals. |
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Reply: 4 - 27 |
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Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:37pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Another one with underlined scene headings, me thinks someone slipped two scripts in?
This actually felt very similar to another short in this challenge, The Shadows I think it was.
This one wasn't nearly as well written.
Not for me.
All the best. |
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Reply: 5 - 27 |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:57pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Don't Look Now, it's another pursuer becomes the victim film. At least it was a Good Samaritan this time.
But I really did like the idea that kids will pretty much do anything for candy. |
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Reply: 6 - 27 |
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Zack |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:28pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Writing is a bit rough here. Some awkward phrasing throughout. Decent twist. This just needs a solid rewrite to punch up the prose. And lose the underlined scene headings. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:44am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
Hi Writer
I liked it, Kid bait's victims for a chocolate bar (The kid's parents should be ashamed however)
You had more space to punch up the writing though, create the atmosphere, maybe build up a little more sympathy for the victim.
Good work |
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 8 - 27 |
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Pleb |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:51am |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Too samey to others here but not as well written for it to have much punch for me.
Good luck though |
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Reply: 9 - 27 |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:59am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts779 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Unfortunately, the twist is predictable from the get go. Writing was ok. Could have been better. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:56am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
I like that the kid is bait and gets a chocolate bar as a reward, it just needed more and you had another page you could have used to give me more. |
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Reply: 11 - 27 |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:24pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Similar to another entry but shorter and not as well executed but the premise is solid, using a child as bait for anything is creepy enough in itself. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 12 - 27 |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:28pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
So the Boy lures Susan to her death at the hands of an Unseen Force in exchange for a chocolate bar. You packed a lot of story into one page and I liked it, but it seems as if Evil has decided to eliminate the middle man. |
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Reply: 13 - 27 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:20pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Another Little shop of Horrors entry lol
The second one to feed a monster and use themselves as bait.
Pretty good entry and all for a chocolate bar
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