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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  The Guileless - May
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  Author    The Guileless - May  (currently 660 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Guileless by #123 - A woman sees a little boy on an empty street in the middle of the night.  Short, Horror


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eldave1
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Not for me - I really didn't get the theme of the story - i.e., not sure what the point was.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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mmmarnie
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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So the kid is bait? Nice. Your writing could use a bit more of a punch though. Was a little on the drab side. Better descriptions to help with atmosphere. But great idea. Nice job!


boop
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spesh2k
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this. Short but sweet. And the kid using himself as bait for an unseen force... for a chocolate bar lol. I could see this being produced (it's pretty much no-budget).

Good work.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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ReneC
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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Nice twist, the ending makes it work. There could be a bit more concern from her and the writing at the end should be faster with sudden rise in tension. Not a bad effort though. I've seen worse at festivals.


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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Another one with underlined scene headings, me thinks someone slipped two scripts in?

This actually felt very similar to another short in this challenge, The Shadows I think it was.

This one wasn't nearly as well written.

Not for me.

All the best.


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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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Don't Look Now, it's another pursuer becomes the victim film. At least it was a Good Samaritan this time.

But I really did like the idea that kids will pretty much do anything for candy.
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Zack
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Writing is a bit rough here. Some awkward phrasing throughout. Decent twist. This just needs a solid rewrite to punch up the prose. And lose the underlined scene headings.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:44am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

I liked it, Kid bait's victims for a chocolate bar (The kid's parents should be ashamed however)

You had more space to punch up the writing though, create the atmosphere, maybe build up a little more sympathy for the victim.

Good work


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Pleb
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:51am Report to Moderator
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Too samey to others here but not as well written for it to have much punch for me.

Good luck though


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Yuvraj
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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Unfortunately, the twist is predictable from the get go. Writing was ok. Could have been better.  


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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I like that the kid is bait and gets a chocolate bar as a reward, it just needed more and you had another page you could have used to give me more.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Similar to another entry but shorter and not as well executed but the premise is solid, using a child as bait for anything is creepy enough in itself.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Spqr
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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So the Boy lures Susan to her death at the hands of an Unseen Force in exchange for a chocolate bar. You packed a lot of story into one page and I liked it, but it seems as if Evil has decided to eliminate the middle man.
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irish eyes
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Another Little shop of Horrors entry lol

The second one to feed a monster and use themselves as bait.  

Pretty good entry and all for a chocolate bar


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