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So, yeah, I get it and it's the old bait and switcheroo. Written in a rush, perhaps? Overall, I like the story but it definitely needs some cleaning up. You had a whole second page to set mood and challenge. Low budget for sure! And it does meet the challenge.
I thought he’d be a ghost Boy for sure, so you had me there. Not sure what to make of this one or how the Boy eating the chocolate ties into the unseen monster. Whether they’re working together or one and the same thing. This feels a little too hastily conceived, even given the short time frame. Just can’t take anything from the payoff. Do you even need the Boy? Maybe if she’d just walked past, seen the chocolate and been lured in that way - the perils of temptation and all that. Too little to work with for me I'm afraid.
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A one pager! Nice. This is the second story I’ve read where kids are used to lure adults to become food. Not sure why the woman was concerned about the kid, or would chase after him (lesson learned from these shorts – don’t interact with homeless kids because you become monster food). Pretty good job here. Best of luck with it.
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Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Had to lookup Guileless: devoid of guile; innocent and without deception. Oh… that’s what that means. Anyway, I think this kid is anything but (innocent and without deception), innocent maybe is the sense he’s only six, but I think that lil fucker knows what he’s doing; he’s luring people to their demise for a candy bar, devil child he be. At one page it fits the bill and has a tale that’s all so real: a chocolate junkie will do anything for that fix! Best of luck.
Clearly, the chocolate bar is the star of this short. Shows what even a single layer of subtext can add to a script.
Otherwise, this is fine. Not great, not bad. Easy to film, so it might just get made.
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There are comments related mostly to the atmosphere and how there could be more to heighten the tension. It is true but somehow I wanted this to be a one-pager. I don't know why but I wanted to. Initially, this was two pages but I trimmed it down to one.
Also, my initial idea was different before writing. But it changed completely once I started writing(as it mostly does). Like Susan gets her phone hacked and the hacker/killer tries to lure her. It had its plot issues so I had to abandon it.