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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  The Guileless - May
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  Author    The Guileless - May  (currently 662 views)
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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This felt a little too abrupt for me and the ending not earned.

Needs more buildup imho


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JEStaats
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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So, yeah, I get it and it's the old bait and switcheroo. Written in a rush, perhaps? Overall, I like the story but it definitely needs some cleaning up. You had a whole second page to set mood and challenge. Low budget for sure! And it does meet the challenge.
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stevemiles
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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I thought he’d be a ghost Boy for sure, so you had me there.  Not sure what to make of this one or how the Boy eating the chocolate ties into the unseen monster.  Whether they’re working together or one and the same thing.  This feels a little too hastily conceived, even given the short time frame.  Just can’t take anything from the payoff.  Do you even need the Boy?  Maybe if she’d just walked past, seen the chocolate and been lured in that way - the perils of temptation and all that.  Too little to work with for me I'm afraid.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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A one pager! Nice.  This is the second story I’ve read where kids are used to lure adults to become food.  Not sure why the woman was concerned about the kid, or would chase after him (lesson learned from these shorts – don’t interact with homeless kids because you become monster food).  Pretty good job here.  Best of luck with it.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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bert
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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One page.  Nice effort in that respect, but still a bit flat.

I do like the title, though, and the way that plays out here.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Gum
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Had to lookup Guileless: devoid of guile; innocent and without deception. Oh… that’s what that means. Anyway, I think this kid is anything but (innocent and without deception), innocent maybe is the sense he’s only six, but I think that lil fucker knows what he’s doing; he’s luring people to their demise for a candy bar, devil child he be. At one page it fits the bill and has a tale that’s all so real: a chocolate junkie will do anything for that fix! Best of luck.
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MarkItZero
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Short and simple. Didn't do much for me but the kid walking away nonchalantly with his candy bar was fun.


That rug really tied the room together.
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Clearly, the chocolate bar is the star of this short. Shows what even a single layer of subtext can add to a script.

Otherwise, this is fine. Not great, not bad. Easy to film, so it might just get made.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Bort
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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This short is missing the following:

The Boy walks away from the alleyway finishing the chocolate bar and discards the wrapper.

SUPER
Snickers logo.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
You're not you when you're hungry.


Overall, not bad. Good effort, writer.
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Rob
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the atmosphere. Needs higher stakes.
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SAC
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Not bad for a one pager, but not great either. Kind of left me wanting a little bit more.

Steve


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Yuvraj
Posted: May 15th, 2021, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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Thank you all for reading.

There are comments related mostly to the atmosphere and how there could be more to heighten the tension. It is true but somehow I wanted this to be a one-pager. I don't know why but I wanted to. Initially, this was two pages but I trimmed it down to one.

Also, my initial idea was different before writing. But it changed completely once I started writing(as it mostly does). Like Susan gets her phone hacked and the hacker/killer tries to lure her. It had its plot issues so I had to abandon it.

Thank you once again.


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Andrew
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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You would've been better off using the full page count, I think.

This was essentially the same story as one of the other scripts, and effectively a riff on another one I can think of as well.

It's fine as is, but lacks some originality to make it stand out.


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