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The Guileless - May (currently 684 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:06pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
The Guileless by #123 - A woman sees a little boy on an empty street in the middle of the night. Short, Horror |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:04pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Not for me - I really didn't get the theme of the story - i.e., not sure what the point was. |
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Reply: 1 - 27 |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:26pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
So the kid is bait? Nice. Your writing could use a bit more of a punch though. Was a little on the drab side. Better descriptions to help with atmosphere. But great idea. Nice job! |
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Reply: 2 - 27 |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:30pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I liked this. Short but sweet. And the kid using himself as bait for an unseen force... for a chocolate bar lol. I could see this being produced (it's pretty much no-budget).
Good work.
-- Michael |
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Reply: 3 - 27 |
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ReneC |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:56pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Nice twist, the ending makes it work. There could be a bit more concern from her and the writing at the end should be faster with sudden rise in tension. Not a bad effort though. I've seen worse at festivals. |
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Reply: 4 - 27 |
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Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:37pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer,
Another one with underlined scene headings, me thinks someone slipped two scripts in?
This actually felt very similar to another short in this challenge, The Shadows I think it was.
This one wasn't nearly as well written.
Not for me.
All the best. |
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Reply: 5 - 27 |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:57pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Don't Look Now, it's another pursuer becomes the victim film. At least it was a Good Samaritan this time.
But I really did like the idea that kids will pretty much do anything for candy. |
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Reply: 6 - 27 |
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Zack |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:28pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4498 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Writing is a bit rough here. Some awkward phrasing throughout. Decent twist. This just needs a solid rewrite to punch up the prose. And lose the underlined scene headings. |
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Reply: 7 - 27 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:44am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Hi Writer
I liked it, Kid bait's victims for a chocolate bar (The kid's parents should be ashamed however)
You had more space to punch up the writing though, create the atmosphere, maybe build up a little more sympathy for the victim.
Good work |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 8 - 27 |
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Pleb |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:51am |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Too samey to others here but not as well written for it to have much punch for me.
Good luck though |
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Reply: 9 - 27 |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:59am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts789 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Unfortunately, the twist is predictable from the get go. Writing was ok. Could have been better. |
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Reply: 10 - 27 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:56am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
I like that the kid is bait and gets a chocolate bar as a reward, it just needed more and you had another page you could have used to give me more. |
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Reply: 11 - 27 |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:24pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Similar to another entry but shorter and not as well executed but the premise is solid, using a child as bait for anything is creepy enough in itself. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 12 - 27 |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:28pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
So the Boy lures Susan to her death at the hands of an Unseen Force in exchange for a chocolate bar. You packed a lot of story into one page and I liked it, but it seems as if Evil has decided to eliminate the middle man. |
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Reply: 13 - 27 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:20pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Another Little shop of Horrors entry lol
The second one to feed a monster and use themselves as bait.
Pretty good entry and all for a chocolate bar
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Reply: 14 - 27 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:28pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
This felt a little too abrupt for me and the ending not earned.
Needs more buildup imho |
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Reply: 15 - 27 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:30pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
So, yeah, I get it and it's the old bait and switcheroo. Written in a rush, perhaps? Overall, I like the story but it definitely needs some cleaning up. You had a whole second page to set mood and challenge. Low budget for sure! And it does meet the challenge. |
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Reply: 16 - 27 |
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:44pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
I thought he’d be a ghost Boy for sure, so you had me there. Not sure what to make of this one or how the Boy eating the chocolate ties into the unseen monster. Whether they’re working together or one and the same thing. This feels a little too hastily conceived, even given the short time frame. Just can’t take anything from the payoff. Do you even need the Boy? Maybe if she’d just walked past, seen the chocolate and been lured in that way - the perils of temptation and all that. Too little to work with for me I'm afraid. |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:43pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
A one pager! Nice. This is the second story I’ve read where kids are used to lure adults to become food. Not sure why the woman was concerned about the kid, or would chase after him (lesson learned from these shorts – don’t interact with homeless kids because you become monster food). Pretty good job here. Best of luck with it. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 18 - 27 |
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bert |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:44am |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
One page. Nice effort in that respect, but still a bit flat.
I do like the title, though, and the way that plays out here. |
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Reply: 19 - 27 |
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Gum |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:57am |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Had to lookup Guileless: devoid of guile; innocent and without deception. Oh… that’s what that means. Anyway, I think this kid is anything but (innocent and without deception), innocent maybe is the sense he’s only six, but I think that lil fucker knows what he’s doing; he’s luring people to their demise for a candy bar, devil child he be. At one page it fits the bill and has a tale that’s all so real: a chocolate junkie will do anything for that fix! Best of luck. |
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Reply: 20 - 27 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 11:49am |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Short and simple. Didn't do much for me but the kid walking away nonchalantly with his candy bar was fun. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 21 - 27 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 2:33pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Clearly, the chocolate bar is the star of this short. Shows what even a single layer of subtext can add to a script.
Otherwise, this is fine. Not great, not bad. Easy to film, so it might just get made. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 22 - 27 |
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Bort |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 5:08pm |
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January Project Group
LocationToronto, Canada Posts40 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
This short is missing the following:
The Boy walks away from the alleyway finishing the chocolate bar and discards the wrapper.
SUPER Snickers logo.
NARRATOR (V.O.) You're not you when you're hungry.
Overall, not bad. Good effort, writer. |
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Reply: 23 - 27 |
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Rob |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:43pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
I liked the atmosphere. Needs higher stakes. |
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SAC |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:47pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Not bad for a one pager, but not great either. Kind of left me wanting a little bit more.
Steve |
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Reply: 25 - 27 |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 15th, 2021, 3:16am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts789 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Thank you all for reading.
There are comments related mostly to the atmosphere and how there could be more to heighten the tension. It is true but somehow I wanted this to be a one-pager. I don't know why but I wanted to. Initially, this was two pages but I trimmed it down to one.
Also, my initial idea was different before writing. But it changed completely once I started writing(as it mostly does). Like Susan gets her phone hacked and the hacker/killer tries to lure her. It had its plot issues so I had to abandon it.
Thank you once again. |
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Reply: 26 - 27 |
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Andrew |
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 1:59pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1791 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
You would've been better off using the full page count, I think.
This was essentially the same story as one of the other scripts, and effectively a riff on another one I can think of as well.
It's fine as is, but lacks some originality to make it stand out. |
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