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What Goes Around - May (currently 421 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:07pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:46pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I enjoyed the supernatural element of this, a killer getting what's coming to him (as suggested by the title). I just feel like the main twist happened to soon... though you end this quite nicely (sting in the tail). Nice work.
-- Michael |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:01pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
A nice little twist
Gory enough to satisfy the horror fans.
Congrats on entering |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:11pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Just okay for me. My number one problem is that I couldn't see the rationale for the first woman going into the apartment - the connection between her and Lara was lost on me |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:36pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I loved the visuals in this one, and the concept. I did have to read it twice because I ended up a little confused on certain things. The end though..she allows him to keep killing women so she can cause him pain every time?? Not sure how I feel about that.
Nice entry. |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:47pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Very good for what it is, but it feels like something I've seen a lot before. A killer is tormented in hell.
I know this is a different film, but I wish he didn't start right off the bat as a killer. Maybe have him pretending to be a nice guy, or even he's simply out on a date rather than stalking someone. Then it may be more surprising when the woman attacks him.
Still, this would be a swell gore piece in an ABCs or Death anthology or something similar. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:51pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
You went for some powerful and graphic revenge, kudos for taking that risk. An interesting twist too. I do think she could toy with him more at the beginning. She's so cool and collected about the whole thing it drains the suspense a bit. Maybe she could play the victim, mess with his head... although that might require more than 2 pages. Anyways, solid work. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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ReneC |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:06pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
I think I see what you were going for in the beginning. He was stalking that woman, and when she fled out of her apartment it surprised him enough to want to see what scared her so much. So the woman saw her as a ghost, I take it, or something like that.
"You already killed me. I was number three. Don't you recognize me?" That's a sweet bit of dialogue. I also like her last line, well done.
So he's doomed to spend the rest of his life experiencing the slashings and eviscerations he did to her over and over again. I expect he'll be checking himself out of life fairly soon.
Great little revenge story, it just stumbles a bit getting set up. |
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Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:49pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Another one that's just middle of the road for me, it just feels done.
Congrats on getting an entry in.
All the best. |
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Reply: 8 - 24 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:58am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
The action, in the beginning, was clumsy and not clear. Got it in the end though but it was a struggle.
"Ghost of previous victim" feels a bit done, but I liked the fact he didn;t just die, she will make him die over and over (Since the number of victims was mentioned earlier, I would have added in there something about he has to die eleven more times before shes done)
I would ramp up the pain and agony the guy is suffering as well, make it really horrific.
Not bad |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:14am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts779 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Nice supernatural twist here and definitely visual. Enjoyed it. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:41am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Nicely written and had the twist, just very familiar. If every killer got their comeuppance in such a manner, there would be very few murders. So what is it about this woman that allows her to exact revenge? I know you only had 2 pages, but it would be nice to know why only 1 of the 12 victims had the power to exact revenge from the grave. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 11 - 24 |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:49pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Not sure what is happening in this story, is it a dream or does a ghost break into peoples apartments, scare the occupants away so she can continuously torture a murderer? But enjoyable none the less. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 12 - 24 |
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Zack |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:10pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
The writing is kinda clunky in parts, and the story isn't too original. But you do have some great gore, so kudos there! This one is just okay to me. Good effort. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:40pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Nice visuals on the gore front but...
Why does the 3rd victim come back now, another 9 women have been killed.
What connections to the girl who runs off? |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:50pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Some pretty graphic gore in this fest - good work. The ending was very satisfying too. The introduction and his name being the Surgeon just makes you too curious and takes you out of the read. Overall, a great comeuppance story of revenge. |
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Gum |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:54pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Some freak getting his comeuppance by a person they killed. Lots of gore ‘n shit spilling about, got a supernatural angle, Hollywood gobbles at these concepts, but there’s really no backstory… I know, I know; only 2 pages. I don’t think 2 pages is our main issue… it’s the 2 days thing that fucked me up.
Anyway, not wicked shocking, not like to the bone, but things got weird fast, and I’m still trying to process what happened to the Surgeon… murder I guess;
Neighbors across the hall: “Hey, what’s going on in here?!”
Murder… revenge murder from the grave is what’s going on. Best of luck. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:24pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
There's quite a bit to like here.
The visuals are strong, and I like the ending. Kinda cool that she steps into and out of him.
That said:
I hope this comment doesn't come off too strong, but, you only had two pages to work with, and I feel like you wasted one. I'd suggest cutting out the "other girl" angle and giving us more of the main interaction. Establish some of the how and the why. Like, there's lore behind this, right? If not, create some and let us in on it. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:37pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Good title. Fits in well with story. Not sure I get what was going on with the first girl and why she rushes in and then rushes out. Was it from seeing the ghost? Reveal comes a little early but still a decent payoff. Good job here. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 18 - 24 |
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LC |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 5:40am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7582 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
I love the idea of the ghost/victim getting her revenge.
I personally think you overdid it with the gory detail which detracted a bit for me. Compelling, but just pull back a bit on the splatter and make it more about his mental anguish and her payback.
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Pleb |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:33am |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Good job for managing to fit that into two pages. Fair bit of gore and wasn't what I was expecting.
Good luck |
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Rob |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 4:55pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
This is an effective script. It is similar to Midnight Mangler. I just happened to read them consecutively. I am not sure why the woman in the opening left the door open and let the killer slip into her apartment. Did I miss something? |
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FrankM |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 7:04pm |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
For once the badguy gets it... and just when you think you saw the twist, here comes another twist.
Good job! |
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SAC |
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:51pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
Gloriously gory! Liked it. However, very simple and maybe too straightforeward. The ghost appears - but why and how? It's a question that needs explaining for me. Otherwise, pretty good.
Steve |
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Andrew |
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 5:09pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1791 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
"Forgettable face" made me laugh and I big time like that description. If you're casting, that for me would be a great description to work off.
The short itself wasn't really my bag, and some of the writing made the script a slightly odd read.
Still, it will definitely appeal to those who like gore. |
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