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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  What Goes Around - May
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  Author    What Goes Around - May  (currently 421 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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What Goes Around by Ka-Bar - A killer's past catches up to him.  Short, Horror


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spesh2k
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed the supernatural element of this, a killer getting what's coming to him (as suggested by the title). I just feel like the main twist happened to soon... though you end this quite nicely (sting in the tail). Nice work.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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irish eyes
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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A nice little twist

Gory enough to satisfy the horror fans.

Congrats on entering


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eldave1
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Just okay for me.  My number one problem is that I couldn't see the rationale for the first woman going into the apartment - the connection between her and Lara was lost on me


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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mmmarnie
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the visuals in this one, and the concept. I did have to read it twice because I ended up a little confused on certain things. The end though..she allows him to keep killing women so she can cause him pain every time?? Not sure how I feel about that.

Nice entry.


boop
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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Very good for what it is, but it feels like something I've seen a lot before. A killer is tormented in hell.

I know this is a different film, but I wish he didn't start right off the bat as a killer. Maybe have him pretending to be a nice guy, or even he's simply out on a date rather than stalking someone. Then it may be more surprising when the woman attacks him.

Still, this would be a swell gore piece in an ABCs or Death anthology or something similar.
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MarkItZero
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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You went for some powerful and graphic revenge, kudos for taking that risk. An interesting twist too. I do think she could toy with him more at the beginning. She's so cool and collected about the whole thing it drains the suspense a bit. Maybe she could play the victim, mess with his head... although that might require more than 2 pages. Anyways, solid work.


That rug really tied the room together.
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ReneC
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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I think I see what you were going for in the beginning. He was stalking that woman, and when she fled out of her apartment it surprised him enough to want to see what scared her so much. So the woman saw her as a ghost, I take it, or something like that.

"You already killed me. I was number three. Don't you recognize me?" That's a sweet bit of dialogue. I also like her last line, well done.

So he's doomed to spend the rest of his life experiencing the slashings and eviscerations he did to her over and over again. I expect he'll be checking himself out of life fairly soon.

Great little revenge story, it just stumbles a bit getting set up.


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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Another one that's just middle of the road for me, it just feels done.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:58am Report to Moderator
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The action, in the beginning, was clumsy and not clear. Got it in the end though but it was a struggle.

"Ghost of previous victim" feels a bit done, but I liked the fact he didn;t just die, she will make him die over and over (Since the number of victims was mentioned earlier, I would have added in there something about he has to die eleven more times before shes done)

I would ramp up the pain and agony the guy is suffering as well, make it really horrific.

Not bad


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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Nice supernatural twist here and definitely visual. Enjoyed it.  


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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Nicely written and had the twist, just very familiar. If every killer got their comeuppance in such a manner, there would be very few murders. So what is it about this woman that allows her to exact revenge? I know you only had 2 pages, but it would be nice to know why only 1 of the 12 victims had the power to exact revenge from the grave.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Not sure what is happening in this story, is it a dream or does a ghost break into peoples apartments, scare the occupants away so she can continuously torture a murderer?
But enjoyable none the less.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Zack
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is kinda clunky in parts, and the story isn't too original. But you do have some great gore, so kudos there!

This one is just okay to me. Good effort.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Nice visuals on the gore front but...

Why does the 3rd victim come back now, another 9 women have been killed.

What connections to the girl who runs off?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JEStaats
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Some pretty graphic gore in this fest - good work. The ending was very satisfying too. The introduction and his name being the Surgeon just makes you too curious and takes you out of the read. Overall, a great comeuppance story of revenge.
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Gum
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Some freak getting his comeuppance by a person they killed. Lots of gore ‘n shit spilling about, got a supernatural angle, Hollywood gobbles at these concepts, but there’s really no backstory… I know, I know; only 2 pages. I don’t think 2 pages is our main issue… it’s the 2 days thing that fucked me up.

Anyway, not wicked shocking, not like to the bone, but things got weird fast, and I’m still trying to process what happened to the Surgeon… murder I guess;

Neighbors across the hall:  “Hey, what’s going on in here?!”

Murder… revenge murder from the grave is what’s going on. Best of luck.
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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There's quite a bit to like here.

The visuals are strong, and I like the ending. Kinda cool that she steps into and out of him.

That said:

I hope this comment doesn't come off too strong, but, you only had two pages to work with, and I feel like you wasted one. I'd suggest cutting out the "other girl" angle and giving us more of the main interaction. Establish some of the how and the why. Like, there's lore behind this, right? If not, create some and let us in on it.


PaulKWrites.com

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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Good title. Fits in well with story. Not sure I get what was going on with the first girl and why she rushes in and then rushes out. Was it from seeing the ghost? Reveal comes a little early but still a decent payoff. Good job here.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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LC
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 5:40am Report to Moderator
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I love the idea of the ghost/victim getting her revenge.

I personally think you overdid it with the gory detail which detracted a bit for me.
Compelling, but just pull back a bit on the splatter and make it more about his mental anguish and her payback.


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Pleb
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Good job for managing to fit that into two pages. Fair bit of gore and wasn't what I was expecting.

Good luck


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Rob
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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This is an effective script. It is similar to Midnight Mangler. I just happened to read them consecutively. I am not sure why the woman in the opening left the door open and let the killer slip into her apartment. Did I miss something?
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FrankM
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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For once the badguy gets it... and just when you think you saw the twist, here comes another twist.

Good job!


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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SAC
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Gloriously gory! Liked it. However, very simple and maybe too straightforeward. The ghost appears - but why and how? It's a question that needs explaining for me. Otherwise, pretty good.

Steve


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Andrew
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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"Forgettable face" made me laugh and I big time like that description. If you're casting, that for me would be a great description to work off.

The short itself wasn't really my bag, and some of the writing made the script a slightly odd read.

Still, it will definitely appeal to those who like gore.


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