Hitori by 16644000 - It was only Hitori.  Short, Sci Fi, Horror

Hi writer,

Quoted Text MONTAGE: HITORI (30s), plain clothes, clean-cut. He paces around his apartment, writes on loose paper, tries his best to pass the time. Curiosity and fascination in his movements.

Not the correct formatting for a montage, but you would have blown your page count any other way.

If it's the same character speaking there is no need to keep adding the character name before dialogue. I see what you've done, but maybe an action line between each bit of dialogue would be better.

Um... okay. I definitely felt the madness but I don't really get it and I'm not sure what the twist/shock/sting was.

Maybe this is just too complex for me.

All the best.

Huh. Odd way of formatting. And odd storytelling.

I don't get it.

Good job for getting something in.

Wow..


Sorry that was a struggle and it's only 2 pages.

Good job on entering

OK, yeah, this guy definitely has lost his shit. I always wondered though; how long would it take to become aware of lucid dreaming or astral projection in a state of isolation with no escape from death? I think that’s what purgatory might be, just exist until you figure a way to transcend. Maybe Hitori is close (to transcendence) and this is what it looks like… madness. Not digging or feeling a twist, or shock value, but the dialog was off the rocker fun to sift through. Best of luck.

I feel like either I missed something or this had no twist whatsoever. Also, the writing: this isn't how a montage should be written. This really isn't a montage. There should be TIME CUT in between each new block of dialogue (MOMENTS LATER, THE NEXT DAY or DAY 100, etc).

Nice effort. We see the man's madness, but it doesn't go anywhere except him going mad. No twist, no plot.

-- Michael

Wow. The torment and madness is very effective.

Studio Apartment is way too boring a location for this imho.

I think this (below) is the key to your very original script:

The pens and
paper are infinite. I attempted
scarification on my arm, however I
felt no pain and no scars formed

In a bigger piece, show us this happening e.g. him taking a scalpel or blade to his wrist, it bleeding, but the wound healing instantly, no trace, no scar. That'd be a great visual. As would everything else just renewing itself.

I don't think you quite pulled it off in two pages but this sure was inventive.
Definitely work on this after the challenge.
Bringing something new to SciFi is not easy and I think you have a terrific germ of an idea here.

I like that it felt a little like Stephen King's The Jaunt (one of my favourite short stories) mixed with Event Horizon and Junji Ito's Long Dream. But this really felt like a short story itself, rather than a film script. I don't know what Hitori is doing 90% of the time as his VO continues.

It's a good idea that needs far more than two pages.

This is a great idea in my opinion. I didn't know where it was going and when revealed I thought it was clever.

16 million days... no wonder he went absolutely crazy lol.

The writing itself however was not great. It's not a montage and this would have worked in the last challenge that needed no visuals - in this challenge, however, you need visuals because at the moment we are just listening to the guy.

Also set it somewhere better than a studio apartment.

All the best

This is brill on so many levels.  Trapped alone with only your own thoughts to keep you company.  I thought it unfolded really well from the slow realization that you weren't in a room, to  the slow decent into madness.  I hope he'll be ok when he wakes up.

- Don

Excellent concept, even if you made some odd choices in execution.  Would have benefited from a bit more description and a bit less VO.

Goes on for two VOs too long.  Nice one, though.

Quoted from Don This is brill on so many levels.  Trapped alone with only your own thoughts to keep you company.  I thought it unfolded really well from the slow realization that you weren't in a room, to  the slow decent into madness.

I agree. Written by someone smarter than me for sure.

To the writer, you might enjoy this short story, Symbios  by J.A Konrath. Before he became a big writer, I actually had the rights to write the screenplay adaptation until my "agent" killed the deal because she demanded I should have the rights to action figures...   Anyway, I think you might like it.

This is all tell and no show but if you showed action in the script with the proper formatting along with the VO you would have gone over 2 pages so this is cheating a bit.

This is a great short prose story and you describe the descent into madness very well, it's just we never find out why he's stuck in this room and can't age or die. I was expecting a big twist at the end like he's stuck in a simulation but there's nothing.  

This one didn't work for me I'm afraid.

Maybe as an idea it has legs but not as it is right now.

Good luck though

So much VO that I forgot where he was and what to visualize. Perhaps more action blocks to keep me interested would be ideal. I felt for sure it would have him wake in a cryo chamber with his arrival on IO or Europa. Great concept that was lost in execution.