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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Hitori - May
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  Author    Hitori - May  (currently 664 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hitori by 16644000 - It was only Hitori.  Short, Sci Fi, Horror


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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
MONTAGE: HITORI (30s), plain clothes, clean-cut. He paces
around his apartment, writes on loose paper, tries his best
to pass the time. Curiosity and fascination in his movements.


Not the correct formatting for a montage, but you would have blown your page count any other way.

If it's the same character speaking there is no need to keep adding the character name before dialogue. I see what you've done, but maybe an action line between each bit of dialogue would be better.

Um... okay. I definitely felt the madness but I don't really get it and I'm not sure what the twist/shock/sting was.

Maybe this is just too complex for me.

All the best.


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Zack
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Huh. Odd way of formatting. And odd storytelling.

I don't get it.

Good job for getting something in.
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irish eyes
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Wow..


Sorry that was a struggle and it's only 2 pages.

Good job on entering


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Gum
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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OK, yeah, this guy definitely has lost his shit. I always wondered though; how long would it take to become aware of lucid dreaming or astral projection in a state of isolation with no escape from death? I think that’s what purgatory might be, just exist until you figure a way to transcend. Maybe Hitori is close (to transcendence) and this is what it looks like… madness. Not digging or feeling a twist, or shock value, but the dialog was off the rocker fun to sift through. Best of luck.
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spesh2k
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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I feel like either I missed something or this had no twist whatsoever. Also, the writing: this isn't how a montage should be written. This really isn't a montage. There should be TIME CUT in between each new block of dialogue (MOMENTS LATER, THE NEXT DAY or DAY 100, etc).

Nice effort. We see the man's madness, but it doesn't go anywhere except him going mad. No twist, no plot.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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LC
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. The torment and madness is very effective.

Studio Apartment is way too boring a location for this imho.

I think this (below) is the key to your very original script:

The pens and
paper are infinite. I attempted
scarification on my arm, however I
felt no pain and no scars formed


In a bigger piece, show us this happening e.g. him taking a scalpel or blade to his wrist, it bleeding, but the wound healing instantly, no trace, no scar. That'd be a great visual. As would everything else just renewing itself.

I don't think you quite pulled it off in two pages but this sure was inventive.
Definitely work on this after the challenge.
Bringing something new to SciFi is not easy and I think you have a terrific germ of an idea here.


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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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I like that it felt a little like Stephen King's The Jaunt (one of my favourite short stories) mixed with Event Horizon and Junji Ito's Long Dream. But this really felt like a short story itself, rather than a film script. I don't know what Hitori is doing 90% of the time as his VO continues.

It's a good idea that needs far more than two pages.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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This is a great idea in my opinion. I didn't know where it was going and when revealed I thought it was clever.

16 million days... no wonder he went absolutely crazy lol.

The writing itself however was not great. It's not a montage and this would have worked in the last challenge that needed no visuals - in this challenge, however, you need visuals because at the moment we are just listening to the guy.

Also set it somewhere better than a studio apartment.

All the best


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Don
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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This is brill on so many levels.  Trapped alone with only your own thoughts to keep you company.  I thought it unfolded really well from the slow realization that you weren't in a room, to  the slow decent into madness.  I hope he'll be ok when he wakes up.

- Don


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bert
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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Excellent concept, even if you made some odd choices in execution.  Would have benefited from a bit more description and a bit less VO.

Goes on for two VOs too long.  Nice one, though.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Don
This is brill on so many levels.  Trapped alone with only your own thoughts to keep you company.  I thought it unfolded really well from the slow realization that you weren't in a room, to  the slow decent into madness.  

I agree. Written by someone smarter than me for sure.

To the writer, you might enjoy this short story, Symbios  by J.A Konrath. Before he became a big writer, I actually had the rights to write the screenplay adaptation until my "agent" killed the deal because she demanded I should have the rights to action figures...   Anyway, I think you might like it.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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This is all tell and no show but if you showed action in the script with the proper formatting along with the VO you would have gone over 2 pages so this is cheating a bit.

This is a great short prose story and you describe the descent into madness very well, it's just we never find out why he's stuck in this room and can't age or die. I was expecting a big twist at the end like he's stuck in a simulation but there's nothing.  


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Pleb
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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This one didn't work for me I'm afraid.

Maybe as an idea it has legs but not as it is right now.

Good luck though


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JEStaats
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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So much VO that I forgot where he was and what to visualize. Perhaps more action blocks to keep me interested would be ideal. I felt for sure it would have him wake in a cryo chamber with his arrival on IO or Europa. Great concept that was lost in execution.
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MarkItZero
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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That was pretty damn good and massive points for doing something different. The descent into madness felt real. Really liked this, great job.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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An attempt at someone with locked in syndrome? When he should be sleeping he's aware of external stimulation and being driven crazy by it. I think I get the concept but the execution didn't quite hit the mark for me.
Well done.


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ReneC
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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A prisoner in your own mind. Kill me.

The format is a huge cheat, but as others have pointed out, doing it any other way would blow the page limit. It's clear enough to get the point across, but I argue it isn't really a script. There need to be visuals, or there needs to be one visual throughout, like a close up of his face or something and that's it. Or even no visuals like the last challenge. The expectation here is we would see the things he's talking about and those are not on the page. The visuals you do have would not work throughout the reveal and ensuing madness.

Excellent idea poorly executed here, but oh, it has potential. It falls in the same vein as Passengers, the horror of knowing you're doomed to this existence of just being. Well worth doing properly outside of the challenge.


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stevemiles
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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Tweaking the spacing at the top doesn’t help me warm to this.  Easier just to lose some dialogue.  That said, I quite like the underlying idea, if not the execution.  That’s if I’ve understood it right: he’s an astronaut in cryosleep but something has gone wrong and he’s essentially trapped in a dream or semi-lucid state?

Given the space and more freedom it could be something more poignant.  Hard to pull off an almost entirely dialogue-driven idea so kudos for giving it a go.  As it is, I’m not sure it would play out on screen as intended.  It would just be a guy ranting in an apartment and you might not get that connection you're looking for.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting idea but the it feels very passive as it's almost entirely VO.

I think it needs some more visual elements.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this would be the easiest short of all of them to film. Could probably shoot it in an hour or less.  It’s a bizarre story, to be honest, and not sure exactly what has happened, and I read that last page several times for clues, but I’m dumb as a stump to be honest and can’t figure it out.  But I enjoyed the writing and it’s highly fascinating.  Just wish I understood it.


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PKCardinal
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Great idea. Bad script.

Ex: "He acts more and more sporadic." It's kind of the script's job to explain the visuals.

In fact, you basically left out all of the visuals. I mean, I know why. 2 pages. But, it still needs to be a script.

Still, this is a fantastic idea. I just wish you wouldn't have burned it on a 2-page script, where you don't have the room to pull it off.


PaulKWrites.com

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mmmarnie
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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Well...great idea but it's not a 2 pager. You really squashed it into 2 pages. Montage it was not.


boop
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FrankM
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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You'd think they would have tested this system before using it on a mission. Maybe that was a casualty of the same budget cuts that left Earth with only one pilot to defend against the Space Bobblehead

There's a progression here that's nicely nonlinear, and he covers a number of different kinds of rambling, but the fact that he bounces over into a homicidal state doesn't come as a huge surprise.

One wonders how all of these crew members will react upon waking.

Minor quibble... it's supposed to end with FADE OUT rather than END, and the spacing seems a little off.

Good job!


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Spqr
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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A guy on a doomed spaceship slowly goes nuts. The monologues are fine but I would like to see something happen.
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SAC
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

I don't know what this was all about, but I'll give you points for originality. Even though I was lost, I still liked this one alot.

Steve


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