The Right Choices by Matthew Taylor (writing as Hindsight) - Short, Sci Fi, Thriller - A remorseful old man gets a unique chance to make a better choice. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A banger right out of the gate! I've seen similar before, the premise isn't new, but the writing is still compelling and the execution solid. I don't have much to say, except for the one typo I caught (peek, not peak). If that opening super is a quote it should be credited to someone.

Excellent entry!

victim's - not victims

Okay - writing was crisp, clean and to the point.

An imaginative tale well told. I really enjoyed this one.

Nice! This was the best one I've read so far. A lot of emotional punch and some great, artsy imagery, them at the body of water and then we see them in the hearing room. And Herb is a guy we can empathize with. Many of us would have done the same thing, seeing our dead kid like that and then seeing the drunken driver responsible. Even if it was in front of the drunk driver's daughter -- I feel like having a father like that was almost as harmful to her psyche as seeing him get shot.

Awesome stuff.

-- Michael

Great writing, very good dialogue at the beginning with his answers to the questioning. Don't really have anything to suggest. Good job.

This reminds me very much of the SK time loop movie, A Day, where our protagonist has to make a certain choice to escape the loop. With a little Minority Report thrown in too.

I didn't get much out of the "reliving the past" plot. I've seen it from "would you murder such and such" to "who goes to the prom".

The writing is very good, but it never really mattered to me what would happen in this. The stakes seemed very low to me. Will a guy who carries a gun and murders a drunk driver get paroled? It needed either more pages to create a character ala Jack Nicolson in The Crossing Guard or up those stakes so I'm more invested.

Still, the actual writing is great, I just wish there was more meat on the bone.

Very good script. It's not specifically stated, but apparently the orb allows Peregrine to see what Herb would do in the past if he had the chance. But what if determining eligibility for parole was just one of its uses? Couldn't it also be used to determine guilt or innocence of current criminal suspects? This would basically make an orb user judge and jury. Maybe there's a movie in that.

Hi writer,

I'm not sure I completely understand the orb or how it works, as in... couldn't he just make the choice that would set him free?

Well written, has a really good flow to it.

I'm sure this will score well.

All the best.

Nice reversal of my expectations when Herb was forced to relive the past. I'm still not quite sure who did what to who in the original accident or what 'the right choice' is but I understood enough to appreciate this. A fine effort.

Solid. The concept is clear, you don't need to explain what the orb actually does/how it works; it's understandable. Of course, there is always the 'what if'... had he acted differently... but that's not the point here.

Really good one. I dug the tension and a real good use of jumping back and forth in time. Great work.

I had to read it twice to make sure I understood it, but that said I really liked it. Not much to add really.

Good stuff

Solid intro.

Char desc's bland, but not uncommon in shorts.  I do less myself to save space when limited like this challenge.

Good intrigue starting at the river, then into the courtroom alluding to what the device is without telling.

Really good work, here.  Action lines can be improved, and the dialogue of Frank, but other than that, well done.

Does the orb just let me him SEE the past or actually go BACK to the past? If the latter, would making the right choice (for Herb) be to eliminate the witness? Is that what trips him up for parole?

Written well with numerous grammar/punctuation issues (e.g., Herb's not Herbs) but it's a timed challenge. Good work, writer.

Ok, I think I have this, Frank causes Herb's car to crash killing his son. Herb then kills Frank in front of Frank's daughter. The scenario is a parole hearing where Herb is shown his crime.
This confused me a bit but I think I get it now. Not sure how bad a $10 suit looks but I have t-shirts that cost more.
Nicely written once you get the visuals in your head.
Well done.

Solid entry.

So I guess the orb let's him see what he did and not actually be able to change it??
At which case he already knows what he did... just reliving it for the basis of possibly changing his answer and thus being released... I think thats it

Well done

Writer,

Good work. Can see why people are liking this. Not too crazy about this mysterious orb, though. I feel you could have come up with something slightly better. I also think it stands to reason that Herb may be privy to what is about to happen instead of being taken by surprise. No matter, though. It works.

Steve

Does Peregrine change gender at one point?

Anyway, sort of feels familiar but well written and well told.

Liked it.

The opening quote should be attributed to Anthony Liccione.

I have no idea how this orb thing works, but I want them issued to parole boards immediately.

It's entirely possible that Herb was being truthful, that he thinks he did the right thing with some unfortunate consequences.

Great job!

Wow. That packed a punch.

I did have to read it twice to get my bearings, but as others have said, a compelling tale, and it pulls at the heart strings very effectively.

Another really top notch entry!

This is the best of what Ive read so far. Some serious craft at work here, great job.

This was very well written but I'm not 100 percent sure I understand the ending. So he felt the right choice was to murder Frank in front of his daughter?

Interesting idea with the orb and I especially like the visual in the beginning with the desk at the scene.

Nice work.

Thank the lord most of you understood this lol
I showed it to the other half and she didn't have a clue, so I was worried, turns out she's just slow  

In case anyone was wondering - the orb is sort of a time machine (you can travel back in time with it, but you can't change your current timeline, if that makes sense lol) no body can change the past with it, but it does allow you to replay past events. So this was a test for Herb to see if, after all these years, Herb would make the 'right' decision and not kill Frank (thus allowed back into society)
He didn't... So in prison he stays.

He is also not aware of what the orb does, or that he is being tested (as that might influence his choice) and when the test is over, Herb has no memory of taking it.

As to where the orb came from, no idea lol. I intended the orb to only work for short moments of time, didn't add that in and don't think I needed to.

Thank you all for reading and the kind comments

(P.S I hate the title... If anyone has any suggestions then I'm all ears)

Yes, my OWC titles are always terrible, too.

It wasn’t clear that the orb did anything outside the mind, but it isn’t that important to this particular story. Does have implications for how crimes are investigated in that world, but I digress.

For an alternative title, I’d go with “The Right Choice.”

Quoted from FrankM Yes, my OWC titles are always terrible, too. It wasn’t clear that the orb did anything outside the mind, but it isn’t that important to this particular story. Does have implications for how crimes are investigated in that world, but I digress. For an alternative title, I’d go with “The Right Choice.”

The Right Choice is already better than what I came up with lol

Could be in the mind as well, doesn't really matter for the short to work I don't think - It's also possible to "look" into the past with it (which is what Peregrine is doing in the beginning with the mash-up of the hearing room/crash scene - could also be shes using it to look into his mind to see the scene)

But yea, either way this thing is powerful enough to have much better uses outside of parole hearings lol maybe it does in the wider world and there is no longer any need for Judge and Jurors...

Thanks for the explanation. The orb doesn't need to be some sort of miracle time machine/mind wiping machine, it can simply be a device for reliving memories but with the conscious part of the mind active which can choose to take a different path. This is partially based on science as some people can become aware of their dreams and control them  I used to have that ability when I was younger and had a lot of fun. I flew around mainly, lol!

A good story regardless of what mechanism you use.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Thanks for the explanation. The orb doesn't need to be some sort of miracle time machine/mind wiping machine, it can simply be a device for reliving memories but with the conscious part of the mind active which can choose to take a different path. This is partially based on science as some people can become aware of their dreams and control them  I used to have that ability when I was younger and had a lot of fun. I flew around mainly, lol! A good story regardless of what mechanism you use.

I have lucid dreams every now and then (apparently it's more common with gamers) and they are pretty awesome!

Anyway, thanks for the input. That is a great idea, if it goes down the feature route then that's worth me looking into.
For the short I was purposefully vague about how it works, just wanted people to know the end result - didn't want to get bogged down in explaining. Quite liked that ppl came up with their own theories as well

Thanks again