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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Monster of Rock - May2 - Sold
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  Author    Monster of Rock - May2 - Sold  (currently 736 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Monster of Rock by Rob Herzog (Rob) writing as Slash - A fan discovers a grotesque piece of rock memorabilia.  Location: Train station. Object: Human body part.  Short, Horror


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 1st, 2021, 6:38am
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Pleb
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Ha!

That was good fun. Not very scary at all really and maybe more comedy than horror but it was a super easy read I enjoyed it.

Good stuff


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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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I really dug this, I just wish it had a real ending. Something like seeing the curse begin to take affect, whether it be Ewen hearing a sweet guitar lick or some type of expression like he's realized he's fucked up. The short feels like a setup without a bit more of a conclusive ending.

However, it's a really good setup. Nice job!
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spesh2k
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one a lot. Awesome dialogue, I can see the characters and hear their voices. And some super creepy imagery, especially with Liz Elbow (odd name, but I liked it). There wasn't really any payoff, but the end image of Liz licking his face and saying the same line over and over again was super creepy and I loved it. Excellent work!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Warren
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Very well written, if not a bit heavy handed on the exposition towards the end.

I enjoyed it.

All the best.


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eldave1
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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This had everything other than a good ending, IMO.

Yes - really well written and the dialogue was top-notch. A writer that knows what they are doing.

But....

THe ending didn't land at all for me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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irish eyes
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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I was waiting for him to end up on the tracks...

Great dialogue and set up but sadly no end result.

Great entry though and very well written


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Gum
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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For some reason I can’t help think this was inspired by Guns N‘ Roses song ‘Night Train’, which is actually a bum wine they (G n’ R) used to drink cause it was dirt cheap, dirt cheap but all steam when that fucker pulled into the station, kind of like the acid trip ‘Jacob’s Ladder’. Not sure what happened here, but it was a fun and surreal ride, even if we never did leave the station.
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Zack
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 12:36am Report to Moderator
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This was really getting good... And then it just stopped. No ending. It's simply unfinished.

Good writing and clever set up, but zero payoff hurts. Shame.
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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This started good for me but sadly didn't hold up till the end. Classic case of an old woman messing up a normal routine. Good dialogs and writing. But didn't cared much.


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JEStaats
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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As Liz and Ewen leave the platform...

     EWEN
Hey, Liz? Do you hear that?

                   FADE OUT

IDK, it's an ending. Kind of. Regardless, great dialogue and premise. Very cool. Good work, writer.
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stevemiles
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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The deft writing pulls it along and puts me in the scene.  Like how you worked the body part into it - all felt very organic and well set-up.

I was with you right to the part she pulled the knife for an ‘even trade’.  Felt like it needed to escalate into horror at that point but instead it kind of fizzled into more lighthearted fare.  Felt more like the set-up for horror to come than a satisfying whole.  Pity as it’s a solid idea and set-up, just needed a stronger payoff to bring it home.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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SAC
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Not really too much horror here, just maybe the threat oh horror. Although a sloppy kiss from the Liz chick is pretty cringe worthy. Anyway, the way i see it -- you had a story, decent build up, but no real conclusion at all.

Steve


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LC
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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Ewen, you damned fool!

I liked this a lot.

Great descriptions -
Her hairstyle screams, I was shocked by electric eels.

Terrific well-rounded characters.

Maybe give it a bit more of a punch-ending after the challenge but it was very entertaining.


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mmmarnie
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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Her hairstyle screams, I was shocked by electric eels. -- LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Damn. I was so into that but the ending...just a bit of a letdown. Those are great characters and a totally cool story, it just needs a better ending.

Excellent writing, by the way!


boop
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