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Monster of Rock - May2 - Sold (currently 736 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:21am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Monster of Rock by Rob Herzog (Rob) writing as Slash - A fan discovers a grotesque piece of rock memorabilia. Location: Train station. Object: Human body part. Short, Horror |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - July 1st, 2021, 6:38am | | |
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Pleb |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 1:58pm |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Ha!
That was good fun. Not very scary at all really and maybe more comedy than horror but it was a super easy read I enjoyed it.
Good stuff |
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Reply: 1 - 27 |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 2:12pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
I really dug this, I just wish it had a real ending. Something like seeing the curse begin to take affect, whether it be Ewen hearing a sweet guitar lick or some type of expression like he's realized he's fucked up. The short feels like a setup without a bit more of a conclusive ending.
However, it's a really good setup. Nice job! |
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Reply: 2 - 27 |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 4:49pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I really liked this one a lot. Awesome dialogue, I can see the characters and hear their voices. And some super creepy imagery, especially with Liz Elbow (odd name, but I liked it). There wasn't really any payoff, but the end image of Liz licking his face and saying the same line over and over again was super creepy and I loved it. Excellent work!
-- Michael |
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Reply: 3 - 27 |
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Warren |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:50pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Very well written, if not a bit heavy handed on the exposition towards the end.
I enjoyed it.
All the best. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:18pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
This had everything other than a good ending, IMO.
Yes - really well written and the dialogue was top-notch. A writer that knows what they are doing.
But....
THe ending didn't land at all for me. |
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Reply: 5 - 27 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 8:27pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
I was waiting for him to end up on the tracks...
Great dialogue and set up but sadly no end result.
Great entry though and very well written |
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Reply: 6 - 27 |
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Gum |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:48pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
For some reason I can’t help think this was inspired by Guns N‘ Roses song ‘Night Train’, which is actually a bum wine they (G n’ R) used to drink cause it was dirt cheap, dirt cheap but all steam when that fucker pulled into the station, kind of like the acid trip ‘Jacob’s Ladder’. Not sure what happened here, but it was a fun and surreal ride, even if we never did leave the station. |
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Reply: 7 - 27 |
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Zack |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 12:36am |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
This was really getting good... And then it just stopped. No ending. It's simply unfinished. Good writing and clever set up, but zero payoff hurts. Shame. |
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Reply: 8 - 27 |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 9:05am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts779 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
This started good for me but sadly didn't hold up till the end. Classic case of an old woman messing up a normal routine. Good dialogs and writing. But didn't cared much. |
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Reply: 9 - 27 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 3:32pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
As Liz and Ewen leave the platform...
EWEN Hey, Liz? Do you hear that?
FADE OUT
IDK, it's an ending. Kind of. Regardless, great dialogue and premise. Very cool. Good work, writer. |
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:09pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
The deft writing pulls it along and puts me in the scene. Like how you worked the body part into it - all felt very organic and well set-up.
I was with you right to the part she pulled the knife for an ‘even trade’. Felt like it needed to escalate into horror at that point but instead it kind of fizzled into more lighthearted fare. Felt more like the set-up for horror to come than a satisfying whole. Pity as it’s a solid idea and set-up, just needed a stronger payoff to bring it home. |
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Reply: 11 - 27 |
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SAC |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 8:36pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
Not really too much horror here, just maybe the threat oh horror. Although a sloppy kiss from the Liz chick is pretty cringe worthy. Anyway, the way i see it -- you had a story, decent build up, but no real conclusion at all.
Steve |
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Reply: 12 - 27 |
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LC |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 9:10pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7582 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Ewen, you damned fool!
I liked this a lot.
Great descriptions - Her hairstyle screams, I was shocked by electric eels.
Terrific well-rounded characters.
Maybe give it a bit more of a punch-ending after the challenge but it was very entertaining. |
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Reply: 13 - 27 |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 11:34pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Her hairstyle screams, I was shocked by electric eels. -- LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Damn. I was so into that but the ending...just a bit of a letdown. Those are great characters and a totally cool story, it just needs a better ending.
Excellent writing, by the way! |
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