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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  The May, 2021 Challenge 2, Who Wrote what...
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LC
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Round 2 Who Wrote What:
In random order.

Great job again, everyone. So many terrific scripts!
Hope to see you in the final round.

Scores and Averages for Rounds 1 & 2 will be posted just prior to, or just after the Final Round 3 deadline.

Guantanamo by Gerasimos Rozis (Gerasimos) writing as Nalon R. - An Arab takes part in a scientific experiment that explores his brain and extracts his memory data. But is his participation truly voluntary? - Short, Sci Fi, Thriller

A Game With Dad by Claudio Saez (Claudio) writing as Un & Dis Qualified - An oblivious man brings his Dad's remains to a baseball game. - Short, Comedy

Honor Thy Father by Todd Robinson (tsyho1989SS) writing as Todd Robinson - To fulfill their father's last wish, two Giants fans embark on a mission to sneak into Dodgers stadium and curse the plumbing. - Short, Comedy

Too Good to be True by Lonnie Lapierre (LonnieLapierre) writing as No name - A grieving widow and her bestie find out if it's too good to be true, it probably is. - Short, Comedy

Acolyte by Owen Herity (Geezis) writing as Casey Jones - A train station guard waiting to go home is surprised by the last package of the night. - Short, Horror

The Lake by Warren Duncan (Warren) writing as The One That Got Away - The annual family fishing trip becomes a choice between the past and present when a mysterious object falls from the sky. - Short, Sci Fi

Lake Search by Mark Dykshoorn (MarkD) writing as Greg Lake - Two men search for their colleagues who went missing. - Short, Thriller

Awakening by Christopher Brown (Cacutshaw) writing as The Hunter - A superhero is called upon to save commuters stuck in the subways. But what waits for him there might be more than his match. - Short, Horror

Live Bait by Steven Clark (SteveClark) writing as Jean Splycer - A day of relaxation and fishing was what they expected, but that’s so not what they’re going to catch. - Short, Sci Fi, Thriller

Sweet Brandy by Steve Miles (stevemiles) writing as Not Him, The Other Guy - A plain-spoken father recounts a tale of childhood tragedy in an ill-judged attempt to comfort his grieving teenage son. - Short, Dark Comedy

Feeling Justified by Zack Akers (Zack) writing as Seth Gecko - A hardened detective gets a chance at closure. Content Warning - Short, Horror

Coco by Ariel Yang (Bort) writing as One With The Water - Cass and Spence just want to go to this dope art party. - Short, Comedy

A Bite Out Of Time by John Staats (JEStaats) writing as A Writer Out Of Time - A decades long experiment in ecological remediation results in unexpected consequence. - Short, Sci Fi

A Sea of Stars by Rene Claveau (ReneC) writing as Elliot - Hope for rescue is all that's left for two people in the middle of the ocean. - Short, Sci Fi

Lure by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as The Fisherman - An inventor time travels into the near future and finds himself waist-deep in water and neck-deep in a whole lot of trouble. - Short, Sci Fi

Bygones by Matthew Taylor (Matthew Taylor) writing as Hindsight - A remorseful old man gets a unique chance to make a better choice. - Short, Sci Fi, Thriller

Sins & Souls by Yuvraj Rajwanshi (Yuvraj) writing as Bad One - A guy minding his own business is interrupted by a stranger. - Short, Crime

Dark Waters by Max Ruddock (Max Ruddock) writing as Rushed? Moi? - A team of researchers looking for the fabled Loch Ness Monster come across something far more terrifying. - Short, Sci Fi

Monster of Rock by Rob Herzog (Rob) writing as Slash - A fan discovers a grotesque piece of rock memorabilia. - Short, Horror

It Must Be Something In The Water by Michael J Kospiah (spesh2k) writing as Haywood Jabolomey - A peaceful day fishing becomes a struggle for survival when a father and son see something fall out of the sky and into the water... something otherworldly. - Short, Sci Fi

Queen of the Deep by James Barron (MarkItZero) writing as Marin - A damaged woman takes to the sea to find her true calling. - Short, Thriller, Sci Fi

Ash Hole by David C Lambertson (eldave1) writing as Nameless - A fitting celebration of one's life. - Short, Comedy

Somewhere Beyond the Sea by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) writing as Nemo - Special Forces Marines undertake a time-critical mission and find something unexpected beneath the waves. - Short, Sci Fi

Ashes to Ashens by Joe Garza (SPQR) writing as Godfrey Park - Love finds a way in the strangest of places. - Short, Romantic Comedy

Destination Unknown by Mark Moore (Irisheyes) writing as Couldn't be bothered to come up with a psudonym .   - A Subway ride takes a man on the most unwanted journey. - Short, Horror

The Deepest, Darkest Water by Frank MacCrory (FrankM) writing as Fjord Explorer - Disaster strikes the first manned mission to Europa. - Short, Sci Fi

Blind Justice by Marnie Mitchell (mmmarnie) writing as Zane Blue - Thinking he's gotten away with murder, a man realizes there is more than one type of justice. - Short, Crime

One Mississippi by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Ed - A family trip to Myrtle Beach goes awry. - Short, Comedy





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Don  -  May 20th, 2021, 9:50pm
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ReneC
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, some surprises here!

Dave, you wrote Ash Hole?? I never would have guessed that. Well done.
Marnie, yours was one of my faves. Along with yours, Matthew. Think you've proven yourself enough, time to take a back seat, 'k?


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mmmarnie
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Thanks, Rene. Yours was my only 5. Loved it!

Other faves were Destination Unknown, Ash Hole, Ashes to Ashes


boop
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mmmarnie
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Who wrote Guantanamo?


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ReneC
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mmmarnie
Who wrote Guantanamo?


I was just looking for that too. It's a mystery...


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Zack
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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I guessed Paul's script!

Marnie and Geezis, I really enjoyed both of your scripts this round. Good stuff.
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LC
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mmmarnie
Who wrote Guantanamo?

Checking on this. Script is still up.
It may be a mistaken omission.



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Don
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from LC

Checking on this. Script is still up.
It may be a mistaken omission.



It was a mistake. Apologies. I've added it back in.  

Don



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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PKCardinal
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Quoted from Zack
I guessed Paul's script!



Yep. Nailed it!

For anybody that cares... (crickets, crickets)... I used characters from a sitcom pilot that I wrote a couple years back. (I actually wrote 5 episodes.) I hadn't visited the characters for awhile and thought I'd throw them into a situation to see what they would do. So, if you really want to get to know these guys, just let me know........... (more crickets.)



Some great scripts this time. My top scorer was Bygones. Blind Justice was right up there as well. as were a couple others. I'll check my list and give proper kudos!

(Finally, just wanted to throw it out that I just optioned KITTENS to a student filmmaker in Hong Kong. We'll see what he does with it. I kept the rights open for other student filmmakers. That challenge was perfect for creating content for students. I bet a bunch of 'em get made.)


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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PKCardinal
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Checked my list....

Sea of Stars (please explain the 3 stars, Rene), Ash Hole, Deepest Darkest Waters, Monster Rock, Somewhere Beyond the Sea, Feeling Justified (you didn't fool me, Zack!)... all made an impact for me.

Good stuff, everybody!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Matthew Taylor
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Nice one, Mark. Lure was my favourite of the bunch.

Quite a few were close behind, some quality scripts this round. Well done everyone


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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spesh2k
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I have no idea why I wrote what I wrote. I pride myself on originality. I'm sure 90% of what I write is something nobody's seen before (in my mind, of course). But I fucked up. And after 6 vodka sodas (some of which I sweated off on the way home), I decided to go the first and most unimaginative, most cliche way possible. And I hate sci-fi, I hate watching it, I hate writing it... unless it's either genius or silly. So, I went silly. And the second I hit "submit", I hated myself. I didn't even read what I wrote. I wrote it, sent it... and apparently I wrote "white suntan"... when I could've sworn I said "white suntan lotion on his nose". WTF. I got home after working at a bar all night w/ 5 hours left and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. So, I wrote some bullshit. And I regret it. Even if my shit doesn't land, at least it's usually well written. Not this round!

Depends on what the criteria is for the next round, but I hate putting out shit that I fucking hate. We'll see if I continue. But that round sucked for me. I hated it while I was writing it but all I wanted to do was finish it and go to bed and hope for the best. I feel like this challenge exposed me as a failed writer.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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LC
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Quoted from spesh2k
I have no idea why I wrote what I wrote... and apparently I wrote "white suntan"... when I could've sworn I said "white suntan lotion on his nose". WTF. I got home after working at a bar all night w/ 5 hours left and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. So, I wrote some bullshit. And I regret it. Even if my shit doesn't land, at least it's usually well written. Not this round!

'white suntan' ... lotion.
I'm sorry, I feel for you, Michael, but you're also cracking me up.  

Oh, and the last line about failed writer is just plain wrong anyway.
And I'm sure you'll prove that in the final round.



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spesh2k
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Quoted from LC

'white suntan' ... lotion.
I'm sorry, I feel for you, Michael, but you're also cracking me up.  

Oh, and the last line about failed writer is just plain wrong anyway.
And I'm sure you'll prove that in the final round.



In hindsight, I should've at least read what I wrote. But I knew it was bad after I hit submit and was even afraid to read the comments. I might retire from writing after this. That fucking SUCKED. And now that script exists and represents me. After round 3, I'm deleting that shit and having it wiped off the Earth.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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AnthonyCawood
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I still liked it Michael, white suntan and all


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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spesh2k
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
I still liked it Michael, white suntan and all


I didn't lol. I don't think I've ever written anything this bad. It doesn't even have my voice in it. And outside of that, it's just a mess on the writing end of things. I just gave up on it like 2 pages in and decided to write the stupidest shit ever. For some reason, in my drunken mind, my main focus was to throw everyone off my scent rather than conjuring up a good story.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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MarkRenshaw
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Quoted from spesh2k
I have no idea why I wrote what I wrote. I pride myself on originality. I'm sure 90% of what I write is something nobody's seen before (in my mind, of course). But I fucked up. And after 6 vodka sodas (some of which I sweated off on the way home), I decided to go the first and most unimaginative, most cliche way possible. And I hate sci-fi, I hate watching it, I hate writing it... unless it's either genius or silly. So, I went silly. And the second I hit "submit", I hated myself. I didn't even read what I wrote. I wrote it, sent it... and apparently I wrote "white suntan"... when I could've sworn I said "white suntan lotion on his nose". WTF. I got home after working at a bar all night w/ 5 hours left and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. So, I wrote some bullshit. And I regret it. Even if my shit doesn't land, at least it's usually well written. Not this round!

Depends on what the criteria is for the next round, but I hate putting out shit that I fucking hate. We'll see if I continue. But that round sucked for me. I hated it while I was writing it but all I wanted to do was finish it and go to bed and hope for the best. I feel like this challenge exposed me as a failed writer.


Stop beating yourself up with every branch in the forest. There is nothing wrong with your script, in fact as you saw from my comments I liked it. I gave it either a Good or a Very Good in my scoring, I can't quite recall. I too try to write things that are more original, but you know what? Eight times out of ten when I do that, people don't understand what I'm trying to write. Look at how many people couldn't figure out what Lure was about? When things are familiar folks are more likely to get it.

So you wrote something a bit cliche. Well, guess what a cliche is? A idea that was once so great, everyone now copies it. The idea that you can write a cliche and make it works shows you have skill, because it does work. As cliche and cheesy as it is I found myself rooting for pops as he took on the alien monster.  

These OWCs are great learning experiences. If you write your first, second or even third idea, chances are it's a cliche or similar to something else, like my Smiler was. One thing I did note was several writers had a draft submitted within hours of the announcement. A lesson there is if you have three days to write something, take that time. Regardless, I liked yours and I'm sure others did.

As for Lure, I put a black man in the back of a police car!! WTF was I thinking? Obviously, I wasn't, lol. That's the first things I'm going to change.



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Lono
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This is the first time I ever submitted anything to this challenge, Mine was really half baked and I wrote it in the bits of time I had between chasing my 5 year old around lol. The next one, I'll be sure to put more thought into it and not submit the first thing I withe so hastily, and include my username too so people aren't like Wtf? Thanks everyone for reading it! It's amazing how talented all of you are.

For the record, I really liked your script Micheal, I don't think it's as bad as you think it is.
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LC
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Quoted from Lono
...The next one, I'll be sure to put more thought into it and not submit the first thing I withe so hastily, and include my username too so people aren't like Wtf? ....

Lonnie, what do you mean by include your username? Just curious.

Congrats on your first challenge, btw.


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Lono
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Quoted from LC

Lonnie, what do you mean by include your username? Just curious.

Congrats on your first challenge, btw.


Thanks! I just mean when submitting to include my username, I know I'm not very active on this forum and people probably wonder who I am.
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Zack
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Quoted from Lono


Thanks! I just mean when submitting to include my username, I know I'm not very active on this forum and people probably wonder who I am.


No need to put your username on the script. It's an anonymous challenge.
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LC
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Zack, I think I got that Lonnie meant when you're submitting a script it says: Name on the first line.
And then underneath it says: Discussion board name. ?

Anyway, I'm going to bed so I can put the challenge up in approximately nine hours, or maybe a bit less... We'll see.  


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MarkRenshaw
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Yes, I think that's what he meant. I always type poopypants for that option.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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LC
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Yes, I think that's what he meant. I always type poopypants for that option.

Haha. Thanks for the laugh before bed.  



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MarkItZero
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Last round. Took a shot to the ribs in the first round, a right hook in the second. Don't know if I can go on but Mick keeps shouting "Get up Rocky. Get up, ya bum!"


That rug really tied the room together.
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Quoted from MarkItZero
Last round. Took a shot to the ribs in the first round, a right hook in the second. Don't know if I can go on but Mick keeps shouting "Get up Rocky. Get up, ya bum!"


My favorite quote was “He’ll kill ya ta death!”


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Destination unknown was fun to write... but boy my dialogue sucked balls

I set myself a target to get the 2nd script in by 10:00pm and I focused so much on the story that I tried to make John come off as uncaring asshole, smug and all...
instead he's more robotic

Easy fix... Thanks for the reviews

Not sure if I can do the 3rd one though. 56/57 scripts in a couple of weeks, no matter how long kinda burns this guy out


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Quoted from Zack
I guessed Paul's script!

Marnie and Geezis, I really enjoyed both of your scripts this round. Good stuff.

Thanks Zack, I'm still learning so every opportunity to write and each observation/criticism only adds to my growth. Thanks for the feedback.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Geezis
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Writing Acolyte taught me how to tighten up a story. It was originally 6 pages long and the first three was dialogue and character.
I shut down a lot of dialogue, tightened up the character development and managed to condense it down to four pages.
The feedback I received was all fair and honest and looking back now I can see where I can improve on that story.
For everyone else who is just starting as I did 18 months ago, hang in there. The feedback may seem harsh but it's not in any way malicious, it's experienced writers helping another storyteller improve technique, style and substance.
This site and it's member have been invaluable in that respect and over time your writing will improve and you will see the benefits.
If you have a story to tell, tell it. The technical details can always be polished up.
Well done to everyone who put a story in, I enjoyed reading them all.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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ReneC
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Quoted from Geezis
Writing Acolyte taught me how to tighten up a story. It was originally 6 pages long and the first three was dialogue and character.
I shut down a lot of dialogue, tightened up the character development and managed to condense it down to four pages.
The feedback I received was all fair and honest and looking back now I can see where I can improve on that story.
For everyone else who is just starting as I did 18 months ago, hang in there. The feedback may seem harsh but it's not in any way malicious, it's experienced writers helping another storyteller improve technique, style and substance.
This site and it's member have been invaluable in that respect and over time your writing will improve and you will see the benefits.
If you have a story to tell, tell it. The technical details can always be polished up.
Well done to everyone who put a story in, I enjoyed reading them all.


Well said.


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