Reprisal by Mr. Kusturica - A small time drug dealer is given the chance to move up the ranks. But will he be able to do what is asked of him?  Short, Crime

First one I've read and my mind is already blown!

Seriously though, that was good. Had a bit of a pulp fiction vibe in a good way. I did lose track a few times and had to retrace my steps but I got there in the end. The cop killing the undercover cop is a good angle, you just didn't have enough pages to sell that part to me. Dykstra is literally thrown in for half a page before he decides to go shoot one guy but ignore everyone else involved in the kiddie porn. We don't get to know the character, why they are there and why he decides to go rogue all of a sudden so that part didn't click with me.

That was a very decent effort in a tough challenge, well done.

I liked this story. However, depending on Will's appearance to clue us in to where in the timeline a particular scene occurs is probably asking too much of an audience. And, unless I missed it, I would have liked a scene where we see how he went from a good cop-wannabe to a cop who would do anything, no matter how despicable, to get Kusturica. If this was a character flaw he was born with, then this lack in his character could've been hinted at in the scene  where he's a little boy playing with Ben.

Quoted Text He raises a gun he is holding to his head.

A nitty issue – but you just need

He raises a gun to his head.

This one really needs some SUPERS or other method to tell us where we are in terms of times. I’m just guessing at this point from scene to scene.

The story is pretty good and you certainly meet the parameters - problem is - given the lack of clarity of where I was time-wise - it took me several efforts to get there.

It is a real deal subject based story so well done there. The writing was good as well but the part concerning the detective really did not work out for me. It is either he works for Kustarica or he just shot a guy he found guilty(who's police officer btw). If it is the former one then it is not mentioned. If it is the latter one then it makes no sense. I mean just going and shooting the guy doesn't seem an ideal thing to do.

Good luck.

Ooof, tough content to envision, like that Casey Affleck movie ‘Gone Baby Gone’, which was disturbing to watch, but easier to digest in the end when those involved in Satanic crimes get their comeuppance.

That’s the unfortunate aspect of going deep undercover, if you’re good at it you risk losing sight of reality and getting caught up in the underworld of dark disturbing influences, all the while saying to yourself; “the end justifies the means”, but where to draw the line and break out before hitting the point of no return. Then there’s the chance, as in this case, where your identity is so protected that you run the risk of being targeted by those on your side.

I’m not sure how to gauge the flashback to William’s younger years:

‘Ben begins to run away, and William aims his Nerf gun at his brother’s back. He does not fire. He holsters his gun and smiles.’

Not sure if this scene is needed to tie it all up, but then again, it’s curious to think William, even at a young age, would have the mindset to face his enemies head on rather than shoot them in the back, which unfortunately might have been his downfall in his later years when the shit got real. This tale of woe works well in the genre of: Dark Crime. Best of luck.

Well that started in one place and then got very dark all of a sudden!

Well written and decent characters.

Good effort,.

Hi Writer

This was great for the most part, easy to follow, interesting story and characters. The story kept adding layers as it went along and I enjoyed the read.
The ending was disappointing, however. I quite liked that William was bumped off, but the two scenes that followed didn't do it for me.

Great work though

Writer,

This is a frontrunner for me, really well done. A few nitpicks with Williams, some things are just too unbelievable to simply fall in line and keep protocol over. I don't think any person alive would stay undercover or let such a thing happen in front of them, screw what the Chief says, but that's just me. The story itself and how you weaved all together was really well done, a typo on page 3, awkward phrasing with the gun on the first page, but it was pretty great despite it.

This is definitely worth further development. Rough around many of the edges but the bones of this are pretty darn good. The role of William is one that actors would fight for. A lot of emotion in few pages - good stuff.

Page 2: Where'd William get a knife from? Kinda comes out of nowhere while he's holding a gun in Dan's mouth.

This was okay for me. I thought the bit with the Detective shooting William was strong. But wouldn't the detectives know an undercover? Maybe, maybe not. Not sure if the flashback to William's childhood did much for this, at least in the spot it was placed.

Overall, a solid, well-written effort.

-- Michael

The timeline confused me after the first read but rereading it I think I have it. Tough subject matter and I noted the name of the restaurant and the subject matter were overtly mentioned and obviously linked to real life allegations. No issue with that at all.
Well written and parameters met.
Well done.

I had to read it twice. Undercover cop gets in too deep, and before he can kill the evil responsible he's blown away by an avenging cop and evil triumphs. Well, that's depressing.

It's well written and executed, though a bit confusing. It's like The Departed without a cathartic ending. It's unsavory, and fine, it evokes that strong reaction and is effective in that, but it's not something I enjoyed. At all.

Kudos for making me feel like garbage.

"He raises a gun he is holding to his head" doesn't need "he is holding" since we haven't seen any telekinesis.

Starting with Mr. Kusturica, we stop getting ages with character intros, "typical gangster" and "associate" doesn't tell us much about how these characters look.

There's a limit to what undercover cops are allowed to do, but those limits aren't public and badguys have every incentive to put people into situations where they think a cop would balk. Unfortunately, William played his part too well.

While there was no on-screen indication of the timing, I think I was able to follow the sequence of events. The flashback to childhood, however, didn't add anything: William had no chance to react and therefore his propensity for restraint was irrelevant.

But it was a really tragic turn of events. If this were the pilot episode of something, I'd sit through a whole season of the cops trying to get Mr. Kustrica.

Very good job!

Yep, nice job.

I don't know... I thought the childhood scene was good:

Ben begins to run away, and William aims his Nerf gun at his
brother’s back. He does not fire. He holsters his gun and
smiles.

Maybe it needs to land more. Perhaps turn the tables, Ben shoots William in the back, and William tells him off for it. Good foreshadowing perhaps. Never shoot even your worst enemy in the back - he says there's a code of honour even with bad guys, perhaps?

MR. KUSTURICA
My meal’s ruined. Let’s go.

Hmm, bit of an anti-climax. Especially as I don't think he'd lose his appetite at all.

A lot of great work here (shocking too) up to that last scene which doesn't add anything. Land on a high (big) note, you have a goodie here.