This was a great idea for this challenge. Dark. Diabolical that after William subjects his life to a horrific undercover job, the only good guy in a bunch of disgusting people, he's killed by one of his own. Sucks the kids are still in the hands of evil people though...so really darkest of endings possible.

I don't think you need that FB of William with his brother, unless you expand on it a bit more. Maybe another scene where William protects his brother from creepy guy on playground or something. Just a thought.

Timeline jumping needs to be tightened. It was def confusing and needed to be read twice.

Nice work, writer.

I was hanging with it until the line about the female clown who was overseeing the kids and then it unraveled for me. I was fine with the opening.

Solid effort. Depressing ending but I'm not sure that's a bad thing. The Detective killing William was powerful, but how he gets to that point felt rushed. Could benefit from a few more scenes that flesh out the Detective's character. Also explaining why he's so lazer focused on just killing this one person - some earlier connection that makes the Detective absolutely despise him over the rest.

Thanks to everyone for your great comments!

I'll address the three that were consistently mentioned.

I wanted the flashback after William died as somewhat of a Koreada "Afterlife" moment. It was his last memory of a time when it wasn't so complicated and difficult to be a "good guy". The bad guys in the film just do what they do without a care, but everyone in the film who is trying to be a good person is tortured. I also wanted to show that it's more natural to be kind and non-violent for William, even in a fight with Nerf guns. It's difficult for him to be violent. Which I think is a very good trait in someone.

The Dykstra moment did not have near enough time devoted to it. I was hoping the "Do you really mean it?" line to Sheppard would show he's cracking. This is a detective who probably sees these kind of videos all the time, and usually sees the people not being punished for it. He's frustrated and just wants to kill one of these "scumbags" as some sort of justice. This definitely needs to be expanded on.

Lastly, the final scene is supposed to be what I think is a reflection of people with real "power". After all the torment, sleepless nights, suicidal thoughts, decisions to murder and thirst for justice/revenge that William and even Dykstra went through, the most they accomplished was ruining his dinner. And that might even be optimistic.

Thanks again for all the great responses and they will definitely be addressed in the good ole rewrite.