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Reprisal - May3 (currently 828 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 4:53pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Reprisal by Mr. Kusturica - A small time drug dealer is given the chance to move up the ranks. But will he be able to do what is asked of him? Short, Crime |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 4:15am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
First one I've read and my mind is already blown!
Seriously though, that was good. Had a bit of a pulp fiction vibe in a good way. I did lose track a few times and had to retrace my steps but I got there in the end. The cop killing the undercover cop is a good angle, you just didn't have enough pages to sell that part to me. Dykstra is literally thrown in for half a page before he decides to go shoot one guy but ignore everyone else involved in the kiddie porn. We don't get to know the character, why they are there and why he decides to go rogue all of a sudden so that part didn't click with me.
That was a very decent effort in a tough challenge, well done. |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 1:59pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
I liked this story. However, depending on Will's appearance to clue us in to where in the timeline a particular scene occurs is probably asking too much of an audience. And, unless I missed it, I would have liked a scene where we see how he went from a good cop-wannabe to a cop who would do anything, no matter how despicable, to get Kusturica. If this was a character flaw he was born with, then this lack in his character could've been hinted at in the scene where he's a little boy playing with Ben. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 4:51pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Quoted Text He raises a gun he is holding to his head. |
A nitty issue – but you just need He raises a gun to his head. This one really needs some SUPERS or other method to tell us where we are in terms of times. I’m just guessing at this point from scene to scene. The story is pretty good and you certainly meet the parameters - problem is - given the lack of clarity of where I was time-wise - it took me several efforts to get there. |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 6:21am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts791 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
It is a real deal subject based story so well done there. The writing was good as well but the part concerning the detective really did not work out for me. It is either he works for Kustarica or he just shot a guy he found guilty(who's police officer btw). If it is the former one then it is not mentioned. If it is the latter one then it makes no sense. I mean just going and shooting the guy doesn't seem an ideal thing to do.
Good luck. |
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Gum |
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 2:04pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Ooof, tough content to envision, like that Casey Affleck movie ‘Gone Baby Gone’, which was disturbing to watch, but easier to digest in the end when those involved in Satanic crimes get their comeuppance.
That’s the unfortunate aspect of going deep undercover, if you’re good at it you risk losing sight of reality and getting caught up in the underworld of dark disturbing influences, all the while saying to yourself; “the end justifies the means”, but where to draw the line and break out before hitting the point of no return. Then there’s the chance, as in this case, where your identity is so protected that you run the risk of being targeted by those on your side.
I’m not sure how to gauge the flashback to William’s younger years:
‘Ben begins to run away, and William aims his Nerf gun at his brother’s back. He does not fire. He holsters his gun and smiles.’
Not sure if this scene is needed to tie it all up, but then again, it’s curious to think William, even at a young age, would have the mindset to face his enemies head on rather than shoot them in the back, which unfortunately might have been his downfall in his later years when the shit got real. This tale of woe works well in the genre of: Dark Crime. Best of luck. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 5:23pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Well that started in one place and then got very dark all of a sudden!
Well written and decent characters.
Good effort,. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 7:33am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Hi Writer
This was great for the most part, easy to follow, interesting story and characters. The story kept adding layers as it went along and I enjoyed the read. The ending was disappointing, however. I quite liked that William was bumped off, but the two scenes that followed didn't do it for me.
Great work though
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Lono |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 8:34am |
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LocationCanada Posts94 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Writer,
This is a frontrunner for me, really well done. A few nitpicks with Williams, some things are just too unbelievable to simply fall in line and keep protocol over. I don't think any person alive would stay undercover or let such a thing happen in front of them, screw what the Chief says, but that's just me. The story itself and how you weaved all together was really well done, a typo on page 3, awkward phrasing with the gun on the first page, but it was pretty great despite it. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 5:17pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
This is definitely worth further development. Rough around many of the edges but the bones of this are pretty darn good. The role of William is one that actors would fight for. A lot of emotion in few pages - good stuff. |
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spesh2k |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 5:29pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Page 2: Where'd William get a knife from? Kinda comes out of nowhere while he's holding a gun in Dan's mouth.
This was okay for me. I thought the bit with the Detective shooting William was strong. But wouldn't the detectives know an undercover? Maybe, maybe not. Not sure if the flashback to William's childhood did much for this, at least in the spot it was placed.
Overall, a solid, well-written effort.
-- Michael
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Geezis |
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 4:50pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
The timeline confused me after the first read but rereading it I think I have it. Tough subject matter and I noted the name of the restaurant and the subject matter were overtly mentioned and obviously linked to real life allegations. No issue with that at all. Well written and parameters met. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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ReneC |
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 7:22pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
I had to read it twice. Undercover cop gets in too deep, and before he can kill the evil responsible he's blown away by an avenging cop and evil triumphs. Well, that's depressing.
It's well written and executed, though a bit confusing. It's like The Departed without a cathartic ending. It's unsavory, and fine, it evokes that strong reaction and is effective in that, but it's not something I enjoyed. At all.
Kudos for making me feel like garbage. |
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FrankM |
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 1:18am |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
"He raises a gun he is holding to his head" doesn't need "he is holding" since we haven't seen any telekinesis.
Starting with Mr. Kusturica, we stop getting ages with character intros, "typical gangster" and "associate" doesn't tell us much about how these characters look.
There's a limit to what undercover cops are allowed to do, but those limits aren't public and badguys have every incentive to put people into situations where they think a cop would balk. Unfortunately, William played his part too well.
While there was no on-screen indication of the timing, I think I was able to follow the sequence of events. The flashback to childhood, however, didn't add anything: William had no chance to react and therefore his propensity for restraint was irrelevant.
But it was a really tragic turn of events. If this were the pilot episode of something, I'd sit through a whole season of the cops trying to get Mr. Kustrica.
Very good job! |
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LC |
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 2:33am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7628 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Yep, nice job.
I don't know... I thought the childhood scene was good:
Ben begins to run away, and William aims his Nerf gun at his brother’s back. He does not fire. He holsters his gun and smiles.
Maybe it needs to land more. Perhaps turn the tables, Ben shoots William in the back, and William tells him off for it. Good foreshadowing perhaps. Never shoot even your worst enemy in the back - he says there's a code of honour even with bad guys, perhaps?
MR. KUSTURICA My meal’s ruined. Let’s go.
Hmm, bit of an anti-climax. Especially as I don't think he'd lose his appetite at all.
A lot of great work here (shocking too) up to that last scene which doesn't add anything. Land on a high (big) note, you have a goodie here.
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mmmarnie |
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 10:51am |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
This was a great idea for this challenge. Dark. Diabolical that after William subjects his life to a horrific undercover job, the only good guy in a bunch of disgusting people, he's killed by one of his own. Sucks the kids are still in the hands of evil people though...so really darkest of endings possible.
I don't think you need that FB of William with his brother, unless you expand on it a bit more. Maybe another scene where William protects his brother from creepy guy on playground or something. Just a thought.
Timeline jumping needs to be tightened. It was def confusing and needed to be read twice.
Nice work, writer. |
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Rob |
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 12:44pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
I was hanging with it until the line about the female clown who was overseeing the kids and then it unraveled for me. I was fine with the opening. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 4:20pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Solid effort. Depressing ending but I'm not sure that's a bad thing. The Detective killing William was powerful, but how he gets to that point felt rushed. Could benefit from a few more scenes that flesh out the Detective's character. Also explaining why he's so lazer focused on just killing this one person - some earlier connection that makes the Detective absolutely despise him over the rest. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: June 7th, 2021, 8:40am |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Thanks to everyone for your great comments!
I'll address the three that were consistently mentioned.
I wanted the flashback after William died as somewhat of a Koreada "Afterlife" moment. It was his last memory of a time when it wasn't so complicated and difficult to be a "good guy". The bad guys in the film just do what they do without a care, but everyone in the film who is trying to be a good person is tortured. I also wanted to show that it's more natural to be kind and non-violent for William, even in a fight with Nerf guns. It's difficult for him to be violent. Which I think is a very good trait in someone.
The Dykstra moment did not have near enough time devoted to it. I was hoping the "Do you really mean it?" line to Sheppard would show he's cracking. This is a detective who probably sees these kind of videos all the time, and usually sees the people not being punished for it. He's frustrated and just wants to kill one of these "scumbags" as some sort of justice. This definitely needs to be expanded on.
Lastly, the final scene is supposed to be what I think is a reflection of people with real "power". After all the torment, sleepless nights, suicidal thoughts, decisions to murder and thirst for justice/revenge that William and even Dykstra went through, the most they accomplished was ruining his dinner. And that might even be optimistic.
Thanks again for all the great responses and they will definitely be addressed in the good ole rewrite. |
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