Misread by Matthew Taylor (Matthew Taylor) writing as nottuB nimajneB - Short, Drama, Tragedy - A communication breakdown leads to a series of unfortunate events for a struggling couple and their marriage counsellor. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I think you'd better clarify your first slug -

Evening

And then: The sun seeps in through drawn curtains.
Okay, it could technically be daylight saving, but I think for clarity it's probably Dusk, with the last of the day's dying light?

There are CAPS left off beginning of sentences/dialogue, punctuation omissions, full sentences where I think contractions would be the better choice dialogue-wise - probably a rush job.

I think one bunch of flowers would suffice. Maybe a dozen red roses for symbolism, and to match blood-red?

The story is good, clever, very entertaining, and the jumbled timeline is used well to tell the tale.

Lack of communication and misreading the situation results in overreaction and a fatal mistake.
Vibes of American Beauty.

DR. GOODWIN (V.O.)
Poor communication is a relationship
killer.

Quoted Text On the other side of the bed lies a MAN, identity obscured by his dressing gown, he lies motionless.

Kind of odd – unless the gown is over his head – how is his identity obscured?? But – since we don’t know who he is – you don’t need to obsure him anyway.

Quoted Text A car in the driveway, vanity plates read "GOODWIN".

Okay – I love the plot point here – BUT – how does this mean anything to us????? We don’t know who Goodwin is?? i.e., he has only been in the script as VO

SPOILER

Okay – I really, really liked the twist – I didn’t care at all for all you got there. It’s just totally implausible for me that a spill from a  jug of water would be a rational catalyst for two people changing clothes in a bedroom – it would never happen. SO why I greatly appreciate the brilliance of the mis-sirection, I absolutely think you have to think of a more clever way to get us there.

This is great misdirection! I must admit you had me fooled. There are some awkward lines and descriptions, a tad rushed perhaps? And the way Jade and Goodwin end up in the compromising situation, I don't really buy it, but this has great potential and is a fabulous first draft.

A good story with a twist. But imo the twist needed a more thoughtful approach to serve the story. The misdirection/misunderstanding caused by the spilling of water was very cliched. And thinking more about it, makes it less and less possible for Jade and Goodwin to land in such a situation. If it were a straight up cheat affair or some other thing like an unintentional seduction or something along those lines, then it could have worked but the possibility of such misdirection happening didn't suffice me.  

But for what it is, it is a decent effort.

Good luck.

The opening, or second slug, kind of reminded me of the opening to the Shawshank Redemption, and in that frame of mind I was thinking the gun/murder was a premeditated incident, but after a quick reread realize he was just trying to be chivalrous and bring his wife some flowers, with his heart on his sleeve for being a bad husband for working like a dog at a shitty job… glad he finally quit.

Anyway, filled with rage and misunderstanding, the number of murders that happen in blind rage, heat of the moment, etc. are a common domestic issue since the dawn of time, so what’s scripted here is plausible and well-crafted IMO, and the VO narrative was unique in a sense because it walked us through the issues this couple had with just the right amount of spoon feeding to avoid patronizing the readers ability to construct the narrative, which works well for me cause too many slug references to the shrink would have hurt the flow of this tale, hope that makes sense.

The spilling of water on the shrink, and him deciding to take off his clothes is a bit clunky, and not really that convincing as to why they’d be caught with their pants down so to speak, but that’s easy to correct with another pass on the typewriter. Other than the it’s well done for the challenge, so pretty much just stick a fork in it, best of luck.

I like the idea here. Maybe if it were trimmed a bit and if the water spill was smoothed out a little, it would work better.

I like the 5 pillars VO by the doc. It was all very effective but the end with the water spill just felt forced. This is good and worth working on for sure. Nice work.

Funny. I believe Leo wasn't cheating on Jade, that he really was working late all the time because his boss is obviously a jerk. But is that the sole reason for ignoring his wife? The flowers and bottle of wine in the car showed he was going to change his ways, except that Goodwin's car is parked his driveway, and all of a sudden he suspects his wife is guilty of what she's been accusing him of. I understand Leo's fragile ego couldn't handle his wife's supposed infidelity, so he kills Goodwin, but it's too bad he kills himself because for some reason I liked this guy.

That was awesome. A comedy of errors and misunderstanding. Well done. All because he was too embarrassed to crack the seal on the old blue pill. No complaints here.

I liked this script quite a bit. I do wish there was something more to throw Leo into a murderous rage. He was the one who wasn't communicating, which kind of makes the ironic ending not make much sense. Jade was trying. And Leo seemed to just lose his mind out of the blue. If one element could be added it could make the tragedy of all three of them dying at the end play better. But I do love the idea. Nice job.

Some formatting issues -- INT. CAR - STATIONARY - EVENING -- should be INT. CAR (PARKED) - EVENING or INT. CAR (IDLE) - EVENING. "Stationary" isn't a setting or sub setting.

Also JADE (PHONE) should be:

JADE (V.O.)
(phone)

Or

JADE (V.O.)
(filtered)

Other than those minor things, this was pretty damn good. Liked the way the voice over related to each scene and reveal. And I love stories with a series of misunderstandings that result in something dark (like Blood Simple). Good work!

-- Michael

Enjoyable read. Thought you were going a different direction so you surprised me in the end. Everything fit together nicely. I agree with others that you could do better than the water spill. Although I don't know what other excuse there'd be for a therapist to take off their clothes. Maybe if Jade's drinking red wine and dumps it all over his shirt?

I really hoped the ending wasn't going in that direction. I clued in to the twist quite early, as soon as she called Dr. Goodwin, and that isn't necessarily a problem, it's just a risk with these twists. So the ending didn't have the same impact for me, but I can still appreciate the way you executed it, like the slow methodical beat of a drum.

You used the non-linear format very effectively, first rewinding to a point and then playing forward from another perspective, and only providing the complete picture once it's come full circle (except for those of us who see it coming). That's some skilled storytelling, bravo.

What was missing for me is sympathy. At the start I felt I should be rooting for Leo, then it slowly becomes clear Jade is the sympathetic character, only she really isn't. Not enough is done to promote her to protagonist when her side of the story takes over, it still feels like backstory to Leo's story. Yes, it's meant to be a tragedy, a cautionary tale of assumptions, but it should still make us feel something for the tragic victims. Dr. Goodwin is an innocent bystander and I couldn't care less about him.

It's really good. It could be great.

Liked this a lot, and for once VO in a script that's integral and works really well.

Thin the very last part with the final twist needs some work as read a little too convenient to get Goodwin in a bathrobe and Jade nearly naked... I wonder if it'd work if Jade just seduced Goodwin and then got caught?

Anyway, loved it.

Cracking story. Loved the ending although it was very dark. Only gripe was it was a strange place to keep a gun. Although that could be the norm in some countries.
Very well done.