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Reminded me of American Beauty. It's well written but I think we've all seen this story a thousand times, I like weaving in the V.O. and this is how it should be done IMO. Well executed.
Nice script. The opening reminds me a lot of the Shawshank Redemption. A classic feel. Maybe it is a little contrived that the therapist makes a housecall and gets sloshed with water, but it still works. Like it.
Nicely contained and effective use of the parameters. I thought the VO worked well to give it an added layer of irony as the doctor works through each pillar of marriage.
My only gripe would be the situation surrounding the final miscommunication felt too contrived; too obvious and a touch comical that didn't seem to fit with the rest. Although I’m not sure what a more plausible scenario would look like.
Not sure if it was accidental or a misdirect, but I read it as though Goodwin was on top of the bed beside Jade at the outset. Although in the final scene, he lands beside it?
Maybe iron out that ending for a more nuanced approach and you've got a solid short with a low budget appeal. Good work.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
An audience won't link the license plate to the voice-over. One trick might be to have Jade interrupt Dr. Goodwin on the voiceover with a cough or something, then say "Excuse me, Dr. Goodwin." That is, if you want the audience to make the connection as soon as a reader would.
Minor note: Loading bullets into a magazine is a tedious, repetitive process. Best to have the magazine pre-loaded.
This is a miscommunication worthy of a sitcom, doesn't match the tone for this story. Dr. Goodwin can stoically sit in wet clothes while Jade does the curtain thing... Leo can come in blazing, only seeing the good doctor's head over a chairback? Or something else a little less silly once you're free of the time and page constraints of the challenge.
This particular miscommunication, of course, has much darker consequences than a sitcom's.
You guys don't let me get away with anything lol. Yes the water scene was contrived and frankly, a shit way of getting to the ending - I felt dirty writing it lol But I only had a short writing window and couldn't;t think of anything clever-er so had to go with it. I'm happy with the rest though so will be rewritten (minus the water spillage).
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
This week I've sold 3 scripts, got a pay rise at work and get to watch England in the semi-final of the Euro's tonight... been a good week lol
Thanks again to Don and LC, this script wouldn't exist without you. And another thanks to Spesh2k for the great review, which no doubt had a hand in the sale.