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Author |
Misread - May3 - Sold (currently 907 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 4:55pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Misread by Matthew Taylor (Matthew Taylor) writing as nottuB nimajneB - Short, Drama, Tragedy - A communication breakdown leads to a series of unfortunate events for a struggling couple and their marriage counsellor. 6 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - July 6th, 2021, 4:18pm | | |
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LC |
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 12:50am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7625 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
I think you'd better clarify your first slug - Evening And then: The sun seeps in through drawn curtains. Okay, it could technically be daylight saving, but I think for clarity it's probably Dusk, with the last of the day's dying light? There are CAPS left off beginning of sentences/dialogue, punctuation omissions, full sentences where I think contractions would be the better choice dialogue-wise - probably a rush job. I think one bunch of flowers would suffice. Maybe a dozen red roses for symbolism, and to match blood-red? The story is good, clever, very entertaining, and the jumbled timeline is used well to tell the tale. Lack of communication and misreading the situation results in overreaction and a fatal mistake. Vibes of American Beauty. DR. GOODWIN (V.O.) Poor communication is a relationship killer. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 11:11am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Quoted Text On the other side of the bed lies a MAN, identity obscured by his dressing gown, he lies motionless.
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Kind of odd – unless the gown is over his head – how is his identity obscured?? But – since we don’t know who he is – you don’t need to obsure him anyway.
Quoted Text A car in the driveway, vanity plates read "GOODWIN". |
Okay – I love the plot point here – BUT – how does this mean anything to us????? We don’t know who Goodwin is?? i.e., he has only been in the script as VO SPOILER Okay – I really, really liked the twist – I didn’t care at all for all you got there. It’s just totally implausible for me that a spill from a jug of water would be a rational catalyst for two people changing clothes in a bedroom – it would never happen. SO why I greatly appreciate the brilliance of the mis-sirection, I absolutely think you have to think of a more clever way to get us there. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 2:45am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
This is great misdirection! I must admit you had me fooled. There are some awkward lines and descriptions, a tad rushed perhaps? And the way Jade and Goodwin end up in the compromising situation, I don't really buy it, but this has great potential and is a fabulous first draft. |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 3:00am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts790 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
A good story with a twist. But imo the twist needed a more thoughtful approach to serve the story. The misdirection/misunderstanding caused by the spilling of water was very cliched. And thinking more about it, makes it less and less possible for Jade and Goodwin to land in such a situation. If it were a straight up cheat affair or some other thing like an unintentional seduction or something along those lines, then it could have worked but the possibility of such misdirection happening didn't suffice me.
But for what it is, it is a decent effort.
Good luck. |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Yuvraj - May 30th, 2021, 6:02am | | |
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Gum |
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 1:38pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
The opening, or second slug, kind of reminded me of the opening to the Shawshank Redemption, and in that frame of mind I was thinking the gun/murder was a premeditated incident, but after a quick reread realize he was just trying to be chivalrous and bring his wife some flowers, with his heart on his sleeve for being a bad husband for working like a dog at a shitty job… glad he finally quit.
Anyway, filled with rage and misunderstanding, the number of murders that happen in blind rage, heat of the moment, etc. are a common domestic issue since the dawn of time, so what’s scripted here is plausible and well-crafted IMO, and the VO narrative was unique in a sense because it walked us through the issues this couple had with just the right amount of spoon feeding to avoid patronizing the readers ability to construct the narrative, which works well for me cause too many slug references to the shrink would have hurt the flow of this tale, hope that makes sense.
The spilling of water on the shrink, and him deciding to take off his clothes is a bit clunky, and not really that convincing as to why they’d be caught with their pants down so to speak, but that’s easy to correct with another pass on the typewriter. Other than the it’s well done for the challenge, so pretty much just stick a fork in it, best of luck. |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 11:39am |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I like the idea here. Maybe if it were trimmed a bit and if the water spill was smoothed out a little, it would work better.
I like the 5 pillars VO by the doc. It was all very effective but the end with the water spill just felt forced. This is good and worth working on for sure. Nice work. |
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Spqr |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 12:14pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Funny. I believe Leo wasn't cheating on Jade, that he really was working late all the time because his boss is obviously a jerk. But is that the sole reason for ignoring his wife? The flowers and bottle of wine in the car showed he was going to change his ways, except that Goodwin's car is parked his driveway, and all of a sudden he suspects his wife is guilty of what she's been accusing him of. I understand Leo's fragile ego couldn't handle his wife's supposed infidelity, so he kills Goodwin, but it's too bad he kills himself because for some reason I liked this guy. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 3:36pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
That was awesome. A comedy of errors and misunderstanding. Well done. All because he was too embarrassed to crack the seal on the old blue pill. No complaints here. |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 4:20pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
I liked this script quite a bit. I do wish there was something more to throw Leo into a murderous rage. He was the one who wasn't communicating, which kind of makes the ironic ending not make much sense. Jade was trying. And Leo seemed to just lose his mind out of the blue. If one element could be added it could make the tragedy of all three of them dying at the end play better. But I do love the idea. Nice job. |
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spesh2k |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 4:29pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Some formatting issues -- INT. CAR - STATIONARY - EVENING -- should be INT. CAR (PARKED) - EVENING or INT. CAR (IDLE) - EVENING. "Stationary" isn't a setting or sub setting.
Also JADE (PHONE) should be:
JADE (V.O.) (phone)
Or
JADE (V.O.) (filtered)
Other than those minor things, this was pretty damn good. Liked the way the voice over related to each scene and reveal. And I love stories with a series of misunderstandings that result in something dark (like Blood Simple). Good work!
-- Michael
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MarkItZero |
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 3:16pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Enjoyable read. Thought you were going a different direction so you surprised me in the end. Everything fit together nicely. I agree with others that you could do better than the water spill. Although I don't know what other excuse there'd be for a therapist to take off their clothes. Maybe if Jade's drinking red wine and dumps it all over his shirt? |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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ReneC |
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 6:12pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
I really hoped the ending wasn't going in that direction. I clued in to the twist quite early, as soon as she called Dr. Goodwin, and that isn't necessarily a problem, it's just a risk with these twists. So the ending didn't have the same impact for me, but I can still appreciate the way you executed it, like the slow methodical beat of a drum.
You used the non-linear format very effectively, first rewinding to a point and then playing forward from another perspective, and only providing the complete picture once it's come full circle (except for those of us who see it coming). That's some skilled storytelling, bravo.
What was missing for me is sympathy. At the start I felt I should be rooting for Leo, then it slowly becomes clear Jade is the sympathetic character, only she really isn't. Not enough is done to promote her to protagonist when her side of the story takes over, it still feels like backstory to Leo's story. Yes, it's meant to be a tragedy, a cautionary tale of assumptions, but it should still make us feel something for the tragic victims. Dr. Goodwin is an innocent bystander and I couldn't care less about him.
It's really good. It could be great. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 1:16pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Liked this a lot, and for once VO in a script that's integral and works really well.
Thin the very last part with the final twist needs some work as read a little too convenient to get Goodwin in a bathrobe and Jade nearly naked... I wonder if it'd work if Jade just seduced Goodwin and then got caught?
Anyway, loved it. |
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Geezis |
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 3:14pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Cracking story. Loved the ending although it was very dark. Only gripe was it was a strange place to keep a gun. Although that could be the norm in some countries. Very well done. |
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Lono |
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 11:09am |
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LocationCanada Posts94 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Writer,
Reminded me of American Beauty. It's well written but I think we've all seen this story a thousand times, I like weaving in the V.O. and this is how it should be done IMO. Well executed.
Nice work! |
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Rob |
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 12:29pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Nice script. The opening reminds me a lot of the Shawshank Redemption. A classic feel. Maybe it is a little contrived that the therapist makes a housecall and gets sloshed with water, but it still works. Like it. |
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stevemiles |
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 2:26pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Nicely contained and effective use of the parameters. I thought the VO worked well to give it an added layer of irony as the doctor works through each pillar of marriage.
My only gripe would be the situation surrounding the final miscommunication felt too contrived; too obvious and a touch comical that didn't seem to fit with the rest. Although I’m not sure what a more plausible scenario would look like.
Not sure if it was accidental or a misdirect, but I read it as though Goodwin was on top of the bed beside Jade at the outset. Although in the final scene, he lands beside it?
Maybe iron out that ending for a more nuanced approach and you've got a solid short with a low budget appeal. Good work. |
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FrankM |
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 5:25pm |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
An audience won't link the license plate to the voice-over. One trick might be to have Jade interrupt Dr. Goodwin on the voiceover with a cough or something, then say "Excuse me, Dr. Goodwin." That is, if you want the audience to make the connection as soon as a reader would.
Minor note: Loading bullets into a magazine is a tedious, repetitive process. Best to have the magazine pre-loaded.
This is a miscommunication worthy of a sitcom, doesn't match the tone for this story. Dr. Goodwin can stoically sit in wet clothes while Jade does the curtain thing... Leo can come in blazing, only seeing the good doctor's head over a chairback? Or something else a little less silly once you're free of the time and page constraints of the challenge.
This particular miscommunication, of course, has much darker consequences than a sitcom's.
Good effort! |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: June 7th, 2021, 3:20am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
You guys don't let me get away with anything lol. Yes the water scene was contrived and frankly, a shit way of getting to the ending - I felt dirty writing it lol But I only had a short writing window and couldn't;t think of anything clever-er so had to go with it. I'm happy with the rest though so will be rewritten (minus the water spillage).
Thanks all for the reads and comments |
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Don |
Posted: July 6th, 2021, 4:18pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Sold |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Yuvraj |
Posted: July 6th, 2021, 4:22pm |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts790 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
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Zack |
Posted: July 6th, 2021, 4:32pm |
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LocationErlanger, KY Posts4499 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: July 6th, 2021, 4:52pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Sweet!
Can't wait to see it. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: July 7th, 2021, 5:51am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Thanks
This week I've sold 3 scripts, got a pay rise at work and get to watch England in the semi-final of the Euro's tonight... been a good week lol
Thanks again to Don and LC, this script wouldn't exist without you. And another thanks to Spesh2k for the great review, which no doubt had a hand in the sale. |
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Warren |
Posted: July 7th, 2021, 11:29pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
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