The Darkest Hour by L. C. F. - A desperate man discovers there is always more to lose when he learns of a terrible cycle that seems doomed to repeat itself.  Short, Horror

Excellent work. I couldn't figure out what (PRE-LAP) meant, nor who Jacob is talking to in the Ruins at the beginning. Everything else seemed to fall into place. You've taken, what really is a basic ghost hunting turns up real evil story, and used the experimental narrative to give it more drama, more edge by showing us the repercussions it has on those who witnessed it. I really enjoyed it.

I think it shows how if you play around with the narrative, you can achieve different things.

Pre-lap info as a FYI, for anyone else not familiar.

https://johnaugust.com/2007/pre-lap

Basically:
Prelap is a screenwriting term that means the dialogue from the next scene precedes the cut, and the beginning of the dialogue is heard in the outgoing scene. (Wikipedia)
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prelap

Quoted from LC Pre-lap info as a FYI, for anyone else not familiar. https://johnaugust.com/2007/pre-lap Basically: Prelap is a screenwriting term that means the dialogue from the next scene precedes the cut, and the beginning of the dialogue is heard in the outgoing scene. (Wikipedia) https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prelap

Thanks! You learn something new every day. I never heard of that before but have seen it in one of the other scripts since so suspected it may be a general term.

Meets the parameters for sure and very effective use of pre-lap IMO. It often is just gimmicky – here it is used to really maximize the impact – nice.

Quoted Text JACOB A daughter. She killed herself.

You got to milk that out a bit – no one says I had a daughter she killed herself.  That info needs to be revealed in a couple of dialogue blocks.

The dialogue from Jacob gets a little preachy/long-winded at the end. When you are no longer bound by a 6 page limit – I’d chop it up a little bit more into bite-sized chunks.

Nice work

Writer,

Great job. Writing is top notch. I really like the way you weaved all the victims together into a never ending loop, i could see it just going and going. Demon probably has quite a kill count. An imaginative way to bring in the ghost hunting aspect as well, unique. Cudos.

Nice job. I liked that you took a common trope, something that comes back every so many years, and had some one confront it for very uncommon reasons. I do wish there was a little more action cut into the exposition, like when the junkie is talking about her experience that is when you can go in and out of her actual story rather than revealing it later. Wouldn't seem like so many talking heads in a row. Very nice work though.

It was an Okay-ish read for me, nothing that stood out. The writing was good but the 'pre-lap' parts didn't do anything new here, it wouldn't have altered the story if left undone. And the timeline felt convoluted just for the sake of it. It could have been much more effective if the non-linearity was clearer(atleast for me).  

Good luck.  

A second read-through of this is very helpful. The first read, there's just so much going on. I was really struggling to keep up.

But, it's all there, so that's not a critique of the writing. It's a statement on non-linear narrative. It's very interesting and definitely adds depth to a story. But, it can be really hard on the reader/audience.

In the end, I think this story is better for it. Though, I can definitely see why writers should use the device sparingly.

Good job, writer!

This one is pretty awesome! Great writing and easy to follow all the way through.

Really creative, creepy ghost story. This is one of my favorites thus far. Great job!

Not much to say other than, wow. Really great. The way you constructed this around the interview process was smart, you make the challenge seem easy. a top runner for sure.

The impetus for Jacob's quest to confront the monster is his daughter's suicide, but why does he think the monster will help him "reconnect" with her? Couldn't he just kill himself instead of depending on an outside agency to do it, or is this his version of suicide-by-cop? I think there should be a clearer connection between his daughter's death and his search for the monster.

On page 4, the Priest says of the monster: "It shouldn't be allowed." Not allowed by who? God? Isn't a priest supposed to accept this sort of thing as God's will? And what exactly was the Priest's experience with the monster? The other people interviewed talked about their run-in with the monster, but not the Priest.

In Susan's video, the monster is invisible, yet she has drawings of it in her journal. Her cameras were recording in infrared and ultraviolet, the usual thing ghost hunters use because they capture what the human eye can't see, yet apparently it was the other way around in her case.

I liked the premise and structure of the script, but it needs more work.

I wasn’t sure if Jacob was after the demon to gain access to a portal in some sense, under the guise he could find his daughter wandering in its midst, or if he wanted the demon to take/kill him so he could meet up with his daughter in the afterlife… or maybe it was neither.

The layers here, the video, and the over-lapped voices are well tuned for this story. I thought the writing was crisp and clean and it flowed well. It also had a dark surreal atmosphere lurking within that kept me entertained. Well done for this challenge for sure. Best of luck.

I loved it up until the very last scene - hated the ending. It just struck me as a totally different tone and kind of cheesy.

Like I said though, the first five pages rocked! I liked the pre-lap and how you handled it. Just rethink the ending.

Great writing on display, here. I was very intrigued throughout. You used the time jumping very well and it was very easy to follow, overall. Definitely a page turner. And I loved your transitions and the use of PRE-LAP dialogue going into the next scene. It made the story move at a fast pace. My main issues with this were that it sort of ends on a whimper. I think we should have ended it with the entity walking away from Jacob and hearing that laughter rather than Jacob explaining to a podcaster what he had experienced. And it could've done without Jacob explaining how the entity chooses its victims and why it chose to not take him. Seeing it would've ended this on a much more powerful note. Also, we don't find out that the entity had taken Jacob's daughter until late in the story. With all the time-jumping, we should have seen his daughter being taken.

With a rewrite or two, this could be even better. As is, it's still a very solid entry.

-- Michael

There were a few transitions and scene intros that didn't work for me that I think could be tidied up/improved.

BUT, overall this was really good and very well written.

Great job

Am I the only one who has noticed the thread is called "The Darkest House"? lol


This was well written, the transitions worked well and the characters felt real and unique.

Good use of the interviews and weaving them together, it was great at building up anticipation for an ending that never really came to fruition.
I get the thing has come full circle, he is now being interviewed by the next monster hunter, but rather than hearing about his experience with the camper, I really wanted to see it.

Great writing and imagination on display though.

All the best

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Am I the only one who has noticed the thread is called "The Darkest House"? lol

No idea what you're talking about, Matt.
Must be all that wine you and your wife are imbibing.  

Loved it but a very Jeepers Creepers vibe from it. Would make a great short if expanded by even four more pages and some elements where expanded upon like Jacob's daughter and the Demon's motives.
Very well done writer.

I don't think you needed this line.

BILLY (ON VIDEO)
It’s got me! Do something!

I'll admit to being a bit confused with all the characters but the atmosphere of dread carried this - and a second read too.

I think you spell out things a bit too much here and there. Perhaps trust your audience a bit more with what we're seeing and feeling.

JACOB
Because that is how it could hurt
me the most. It doesn’t go after
the most vulnerable, or the one
that deserves it. It leaves behind
the one with the most to lose.

Bit disjointed that para for me. The first line of dialogue - yes.
Cause Jacob's lost everything already, right? So while that paragraph is pretty poetic I'd suggest the demon is leaving behind a person who's already in hell. Mission accomplished. ...Which is what you're going for I think, but it got a bit muddled for me. Just a thought.

Great horror vibe.

Took me a couple of goes to tie this all together but it was worth it.

The horror is kept in the background and left more to our imagination which works well for the set-up - more chilling and reaction based than shock value and gore.

I like the docudrama approach, makes good use of the non-linear narrative and lets you bounce between timelines without it being too jarring. The interview-style lets you get away with a little more exposition which is a handy touch for the page count.  Wish I’d thought of that…

That said, the writing tripped me up a bit around P5 with all the timestamps and such, maybe there’s a better way to present that information?

All in all a solid groundwork for a low budget short and one that you hopefully come back to with a little more room to breathe.  A firm favourite.

Wow. This was really good. Writing here is EXCELLENT! Great title...just loved it!

GREAT JOB!!!!!

I wrote this in the span of 24 hours. Before that I'd been toying with different ideas, but the idea of interviews to create a mixed chronology and perhaps unreliable narrators struck a chord with me. The rest was trying to come up with something to recount. At first I tried to make a single event from multiple perspectives work, but that was a lot for me to chew. Then I tried to come up with an exorcism-type story told across three particular instances, but what I had in mind was too big. But that supernatural angle led me to this, and I wanted it to not end by making it a loop, because that's the most experimental thing I could think of.

All that thought in a matter of hours, and I wrote it all on Thursday, and it just kept clicking together. I didn't have to change anything, it was all right there in the first draft, at least to me. I also wanted to keep it low budget, which is why I used a video tape for the only real special effect and why I didn't show any of the actual attacks except that one. I think the lines in there would evoke more than enough in the imagination with competent actors. And I submitted early on Friday because I had no more time to write for the day.

The only thing I didn't come right out and say is those times are during the dark of the moon when it occurs at full night. That's why I called it the darkest hour, when the moon is in the sky but dark. Then I chose every three years, because why not.

Thanks for the great comments, everyone. And thanks for voting it pretty high.

This was one of my favourites and is even more impressive to find out it was written in one day. I hope this gets picked up, should be easy to produce you just need some decent actors.

Great work here, Rene. One of very few 5's I gave out this challenge.