SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 8:25am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Shaun - May3
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Shaun - May3  (currently 957 views)
Don
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Shaun by Humpetty Dumpetty - A man lying in the sand faces the biggest challenge of his life.  Short, Drama


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Mr. Blonde  -  May 28th, 2021, 8:48pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted Text
A figure steps forward, towering over him and reaching down.

A deep male VOICE resonates over the noise causing the
murmuring to cease.

VOICE (O.S.)

Don’t touch him.

The figure steps back.


I got confused in the above passage – wasn’t sure if the deep male voice was different from the VOICE or whether it belonged to “the figure.”

I do think you could have benefitted from some SUPERS telling us where we were time-wise. I had to make some assumptions that I think could have been laid out more clearly. For example, the Humvee attack – it could have happened before the bar scene with Polly or afterwards – so bearing wise, I had t make an assumption.

This

JOE
Almost there, a year of rehab has lead to this, make your wife proud, make your son proud and make me proud.

Is WAY too on the nose/expositional.

As was this:


Quoted Text
SHAUN
I kept my promise, a marathon, the biggest challenge of my life


And it keeps going that way – your characters are exchanging information for our benefit – which makes the dialogue unnatural – people don’t tell each other things they already know.

Okay – done. Challenge met for sure.

The story – I thought it was brilliant. What a great premise! The dialogue though is really, really expositional in some places just taking me right out of the read. Perhaps that was due to the limited page count. Take another swipe at the dialogue and I think you will have something special.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 18
Cacutshaw
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 12:26am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
177
Posts Per Day
0.07
Enjoyed this, especially the Shaun and Polly bits. Makes the payoff really nice. Nice writing.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 18
PKCardinal
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
I enjoyed this. Nicely done.

Consider ending it one scene earlier. I feel like you accomplished everything you needed to story-wise without it.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 18
MarkItZero
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 7:28am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
That was really good. Thought the order of the scenes was perfect. Got no suggestions. Great work!


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 18
Gum
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
Yeah, pretty much good to go re the story, there's a few scripted bits of dialog that are dripping with OTN fromage, but I have a box of crackers here, so… nom nom. Released just in time for Memorial Day, it seems to hit all the right bugle notes.

I’m just wondering if the marathon itself needs to be held in a desert, seems like a really crappy place to have a picnic. With the right camera angles, close-ups ect, the family gathering/race event could easily be set in a large field (I'd like to think it's a family picnic and not the Burning Man), just thinking out loud. Good set up, and a heartwarming payoff. Best of luck.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 18
LC
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
Overall reaction is this hits home and makes a lasting impression story-wise.

I think you could cut back on some of the over-protesting lines from Shaun to Polly at the start. Edit out a couple of those lines in the Club scene, cause really he's just saying the same thing but in another way. And when it comes down to it he is going into a war-zone. Ditto the superstitious lines.

Trust your audience a bit more with regard to spelling things out too much in dialogue. We can piece the bits together - rehab etc.

JOE
You owe her this, keep your
promise or I’ll kick your ragged
half ass all the way to the
finish line.

Why not go with:
I'll kick your ragged half ass
over the finish line myself, if I have to.

Likewise here:

SHAUN
I kept my promise, a marathon,
the biggest challenge of my life.

Some great imagery evoked and some nice sentiment, just a bit - less is more, imho.
Great job.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 18
MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 3:46am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
I like this, excellent work.  

I think you can end it with Shaun racing to Polly behind the finish line. It's a great unexpected twist and tells you everything you need to know. The expositional dialogue and extra flashback to the war is not needed at all in my opinion.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 18
Spqr
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
Very good. Juxtaposition of the desert marathon with the desert firefight and was nice work. Minor point: the Army has medics, the Marines have Corpsmen. Marines don't even like being called soldiers.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 18
spesh2k
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
1186
Posts Per Day
0.20
This one had some heart to it, which I appreciated. The writing was a breeze to get through and overall well done, but description was awkward at parts.


Quoted Text
Shaun sits surrounded by friends in a club thumping out beats
and shrieking with laughter.


You make it sound like Shaun and his friends are beatboxing or something. And we know we're in a club already. Just say:

BEATS THUMPING. CLUB-GOERS dancing, having a blast.

Shaun sits with his friends, shrieking with laughter.


Or something like that.

The dialogue was the biggest issue for me. Felt very stiff and wooden on the most part. Especially "the biggest challenge of my life" stuff. And the "I'm a marine". There's better, more natural ways to get this information across.

Not sure why you ended it with that reveal when we already know he lost his leg. It's not shocking or anything. Think you could've done without that ending, probably just ended it with him crossing the finish line.

All issues aside, this had some real heart to it and I enjoyed it on the most part.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 18
Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 4:30am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hi Writer

Not sure a thumping club is the best location for that scene.


Quoted Text
SHAUN
I had a friend who told
impossible stories, this tale was
for him, the one legged man and
the desert marathon. No-one would
believe it.


A one-legged man running a marathon in a desert doesn't seem like that much of a far-fetched story to me, but ok.

The dialogue here can be cut a lot, it is there to really hammer home what you have already given us through action and description - trust the reader/viewer to get it without spoon feeding. Joe can be removed completely.

Really like this story though, the cutting back between the two deserts was nice, the story had some emotional pull. Odd choices were made but overall this was a really good effort.

nice work


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 18
mmmarnie
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1085
Posts Per Day
0.22
Who were the people on page one who were saying not to touch him? I thought maybe he was captured. So the first page confused me when I got to the end of the story.

What makes this story stand out is the scene where it's Shaun injured transitioning to him heading to the finish line. That...is...excellent.

Most of it is really good but the dialog needs work and just smooth out some other things people pointed out and this will make a great short film.

Nice work writer!!


boop
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 18
AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Lots of strong writing on display here and the story had a lot of effective drama.

A few bits felt a little spoonfed but they've been picked up above.

Very good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 18
JEStaats
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Yeah, liked this a lot. The initial POV could be cleaned up a bit, maybe edited a little to make it easier to visualize.

Needs a better title too. Nothing about 'Shaun' makes me want to read/see this.

Overall, good stuff. Worth more attention, for sure.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 18
stevemiles
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 6:44am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
A nicely contained story with a bittersweet ending.  That said, I’m not sure the final flashback is needed - or at least placed as it is.  Feels more organic to end on the high note you create with the race rather than the darker missing leg moment.

Good misdirect with the opening; I like how it all connected at the end - certainly unexpected.  

An uplifting ending for a change - bit of a rarity for these challenges.  We are a morbid lot…

Good stuff.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 18
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The May 2021 Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006