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A figure steps forward, towering over him and reaching down.
A deep male VOICE resonates over the noise causing the murmuring to cease.
VOICE (O.S.)
Don’t touch him.
The figure steps back.
I got confused in the above passage – wasn’t sure if the deep male voice was different from the VOICE or whether it belonged to “the figure.”
I do think you could have benefitted from some SUPERS telling us where we were time-wise. I had to make some assumptions that I think could have been laid out more clearly. For example, the Humvee attack – it could have happened before the bar scene with Polly or afterwards – so bearing wise, I had t make an assumption.
This
JOE Almost there, a year of rehab has lead to this, make your wife proud, make your son proud and make me proud.
Is WAY too on the nose/expositional.
As was this:
Quoted Text
SHAUN I kept my promise, a marathon, the biggest challenge of my life
And it keeps going that way – your characters are exchanging information for our benefit – which makes the dialogue unnatural – people don’t tell each other things they already know.
Okay – done. Challenge met for sure.
The story – I thought it was brilliant. What a great premise! The dialogue though is really, really expositional in some places just taking me right out of the read. Perhaps that was due to the limited page count. Take another swipe at the dialogue and I think you will have something special.
Consider ending it one scene earlier. I feel like you accomplished everything you needed to story-wise without it.
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Yeah, pretty much good to go re the story, there's a few scripted bits of dialog that are dripping with OTN fromage, but I have a box of crackers here, so… nom nom. Released just in time for Memorial Day, it seems to hit all the right bugle notes.
I’m just wondering if the marathon itself needs to be held in a desert, seems like a really crappy place to have a picnic. With the right camera angles, close-ups ect, the family gathering/race event could easily be set in a large field (I'd like to think it's a family picnic and not the Burning Man), just thinking out loud. Good set up, and a heartwarming payoff. Best of luck.
Overall reaction is this hits home and makes a lasting impression story-wise.
I think you could cut back on some of the over-protesting lines from Shaun to Polly at the start. Edit out a couple of those lines in the Club scene, cause really he's just saying the same thing but in another way. And when it comes down to it he is going into a war-zone. Ditto the superstitious lines.
Trust your audience a bit more with regard to spelling things out too much in dialogue. We can piece the bits together - rehab etc.
JOE You owe her this, keep your promise or I’ll kick your ragged half ass all the way to the finish line.
Why not go with: I'll kick your ragged half ass over the finish line myself, if I have to.
Likewise here:
SHAUN I kept my promise, a marathon, the biggest challenge of my life.
Some great imagery evoked and some nice sentiment, just a bit - less is more, imho. Great job.
I think you can end it with Shaun racing to Polly behind the finish line. It's a great unexpected twist and tells you everything you need to know. The expositional dialogue and extra flashback to the war is not needed at all in my opinion.
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Very good. Juxtaposition of the desert marathon with the desert firefight and was nice work. Minor point: the Army has medics, the Marines have Corpsmen. Marines don't even like being called soldiers.
This one had some heart to it, which I appreciated. The writing was a breeze to get through and overall well done, but description was awkward at parts.
Quoted Text
Shaun sits surrounded by friends in a club thumping out beats and shrieking with laughter.
You make it sound like Shaun and his friends are beatboxing or something. And we know we're in a club already. Just say:
BEATS THUMPING. CLUB-GOERS dancing, having a blast.
Shaun sits with his friends, shrieking with laughter.
Or something like that.
The dialogue was the biggest issue for me. Felt very stiff and wooden on the most part. Especially "the biggest challenge of my life" stuff. And the "I'm a marine". There's better, more natural ways to get this information across.
Not sure why you ended it with that reveal when we already know he lost his leg. It's not shocking or anything. Think you could've done without that ending, probably just ended it with him crossing the finish line.
All issues aside, this had some real heart to it and I enjoyed it on the most part.
Not sure a thumping club is the best location for that scene.
Quoted Text
SHAUN I had a friend who told impossible stories, this tale was for him, the one legged man and the desert marathon. No-one would believe it.
A one-legged man running a marathon in a desert doesn't seem like that much of a far-fetched story to me, but ok.
The dialogue here can be cut a lot, it is there to really hammer home what you have already given us through action and description - trust the reader/viewer to get it without spoon feeding. Joe can be removed completely.
Really like this story though, the cutting back between the two deserts was nice, the story had some emotional pull. Odd choices were made but overall this was a really good effort.
Who were the people on page one who were saying not to touch him? I thought maybe he was captured. So the first page confused me when I got to the end of the story.
What makes this story stand out is the scene where it's Shaun injured transitioning to him heading to the finish line. That...is...excellent.
Most of it is really good but the dialog needs work and just smooth out some other things people pointed out and this will make a great short film.
A nicely contained story with a bittersweet ending. That said, I’m not sure the final flashback is needed - or at least placed as it is. Feels more organic to end on the high note you create with the race rather than the darker missing leg moment.
Good misdirect with the opening; I like how it all connected at the end - certainly unexpected.
An uplifting ending for a change - bit of a rarity for these challenges. We are a morbid lot…
Good stuff.
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