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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  The Boundary - May3
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  Author    The Boundary - May3  (currently 270 views)
Don
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Boundary by Cabeza De Vaca - A party of Spanish explorers journey into an unknown land in search of riches only to find themselves lost in an ocean of tallgrass with an unseen terror stalking their every move.  Short, Horror


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Don  -  May 28th, 2021, 7:21pm
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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That was beautifully written, full of historical and cultural aspects that enriched the experience. There as some wonderful visual scenes as well, you certainly can write.

I just wasn't sure what was going on. I pieced together that this was some sort of expedition that ended in disaster with most of the men killed off by...something and written in reverse. I just don't fully understand what the men were there for, nor Perez's role and what actually happened to them.

Spectacular writing though.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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eldave1
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Very vivid and imaginative.

Parameters met.

Enjoyed reading this.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zack
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Very creative writing here. Some really cool visuals. Excellent writing.

Not only that, but I was actually able to follow the story here.

Great work here.


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Gum
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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I had a bit of a difficult time figuring out what was transpiring, but I think that’s a ‘me’ issue, not yours. Some things translate way better when presented in a visual medium than written pages, and I think that’s where my confusion resides, trying to decipher who is who, and when, and where we are by the juxtaposition of time frames.

There’s some serious effort put into this tale, and it has a great poetic vibe; it’s riddled with mysterious names and enigmatic characters on a quest for riches, all set against a surreal backdrop… the whispering grass. I like it, just found myself lost in the translation, best of luck.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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Spqr
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Very well written and interesting, but totally linear structure.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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Howdy


Quoted Text
EXT. TALLGRASS PRAIRIE - THE MISSING - DAY


Should these extra bits in the slug be title cards? not sure how "The Missing" is a location.


Quoted Text
Perez watches buzzards circle high above. Scavengers as far
as the eye can see - each spiraling column speaking to some
unseen horror far below.


Love that visual

I'm in the camp of I don't know what is going on. A lot of characters muddied the read for me.
My understanding goes only as far as they have ventured into the long grass and it didn't go well.
I think this story would probably be better told in a normal linear fashion, having the events run backwards in time (I think they run backwards?) doesn't really add anything I don't think, we start with the fact the expedition has gone bad and go back in time to when they left for the expedition.
(Although that could be down to the fact that I don't understand what is happening, I probably missed some vital exposition)

Would look pretty cool if filmed though.

Best of luck


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JEStaats
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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This reminded a lot of Stephen King's short story 'In the tall grass'. So much so that it was distracting with the imagery. That said, well written, I just couldn't really follow the story very well. Were the slugs written to be kind of like chapter titles? Interesting work here.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Writing is very evocative and I could feel the location.

But I wasn't entirely sure what was happening in places.

Still, a very good effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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spesh2k
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the actual writing, very visual, I could see everything. I just don't think this is my kind of story, though. This felt like a sprawling, historical epic crammed into six pages. You do fit a lot in here, so kudos for that. But I had a hard time following exactly what the story was about. Maybe it's just me, I dunno. Very well written effort, though.

-- Michael


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PKCardinal
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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This feels like the first script i've read for the challenge that was harmed by the non-linear structure. So many characters and such little obvioius connecting thread that, unfortunately, I felt myself skimming by page 3. I had to force myself to slow down and work harder.

Too bad, too. Because this is well-written. My hope is that you drop the reverse-structure and re-post after the challenge as a more traditional read. If you do, please let me know. I'd love to read that.


PaulKWrites.com

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Cacutshaw
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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I could really use a Coles notes for this script. I was completely lost and I read it twice.

But I betcha it would work fine as a film. I just must not have been absorbing certain things as I read that probably would impact me visually.

Nice job!
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mmmarnie
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 12:49am Report to Moderator
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What does PRE LAP mean????

in slug...LAST MAN? is that the name of the place?

okay...you have THE LONG MARCH in another slug. I'm assuming these need to be inserted as title cards. Don't belong in slug. When you stray from proper format rules, it pulls the reader out of your story.

There were some cool visuals here. You created a dreamlike atmosphere. Lots of arrows. But the story was really lost on me. Lots of characters for only 7 pages. It was just hard to figure out what was going on.




ZERO tolerance for RUDE people.
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LC
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 1:00am Report to Moderator
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Is there a Prelap in this one too?

Prelap is a screenwriting term that means the dialogue from the next scene precedes the cut, and the beginning of the dialogue is heard in the outgoing scene. As an example: ...

Scene example on Wiki -

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prelap

Can just be a sound or music pre-lap too.

Also here:
https://johnaugust.com/2007/pre-lap

https://screenwriting.io/what-is-a-pre-lap/


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mmmarnie
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 1:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Is there a Prelap in this one too?

Prelap is a screenwriting term that means the dialogue from the next scene precedes the cut, and the beginning of the dialogue is heard in the outgoing scene. As an example: ...

Scene example on Wiki -

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prelap

Can just be a sound or music pre-lap too.

Also here:
https://johnaugust.com/2007/pre-lap

https://screenwriting.io/what-is-a-pre-lap/


Thanks, Lib. New one on me.



ZERO tolerance for RUDE people.
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