Very well written and if shot would be a colourful, beautiful sight to behold. Think I followed the story, certainly knew it was a treasure hunt gone bad but no idea who was doing the killing.
Very well done.

The writing is rich and detailed. It sets the tone and offers up great visuals.

I've seen something similar to those scene headers in the Good Wife pilot script. They titled their scenes to suggest what the scene is about, and it was purely for the writers and readers. They didn't stick them in the headers though, don't do that.

The story itself is lacking. All the pieces are there except the most important one: why are they afraid? I don't buy that it doesn't matter, because it absolutely does. And if they're indigenous people, then having Jusepe there confuses things, because even if he's from a gentler nation and this is the territory of the really hardcore warriors, there should be something in there to say that. Instead it can be literally anything that Jusepe and the boy are afraid of where he leads these men to die, knowing he will die too. And if we can imagine anything, we tend not to. There needs to be something grounding or we just tune out.

The treasure hunt aspect felt shoe-horned in. It's one throwaway line, not much of a motive. The better one is what everyone is thinking when reading this anyway, that colonists are doing what colonists do and Jusepe deals with them the only way he knows how. And it works, whatever it is. It's in the title, just tell us.

Otherwise really strong, it just never crystalized for me.

Writer,

Can you spin a yarn man, the writing is just a wonder. I was a little confused as to the chain of events though,  but here is no denying the talent on display here, vivid and perfect word choices throughout, the writing is lean but nothing is over written. Amazing work.

Beautiful, but the connections do not come easily. A short story?

Thanks to all for reading and feedback.  I find this period in history fascinating and I've had the urge to write something for a while but never knew how best to approach or even which genre to work with.

The story is based (loosely) on the Humana and Leyva expedition of the 1590s.  They set out on an 'unofficial' expedition to look for the usual riches/city of gold etc. and vanished.  Only one man survived - Jusepe - their guide/'servant' and all they could ascertain was that the party fell out/fractured and were most likely killed by a local tribe.

I was aiming for a dreamlike (or more aptly nightmarish) kind of tone and I'm glad that seemed to come through in places.  I quite like the idea of the reader/audience being kept at something of a distance, left to watch as these characters wander through a never-ending maze of grass at constant risk from a largely unseen enemy.  

The slugs - given the setting, nearly every slug would have been the same.  I used them at first for myself to plot out the scenes and navigate the reverse chronology but decided to just leave them in to see how it landed and maybe help orientate the reader.

Some of the intent landed and some not so much.  That's all good.  The short format and reverse narrative aren't the best way to convey this but as much as anything I was curious to see how the idea resonated and if there's any potential to take it further.  Maybe...

Thanks again.

Steve