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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June, 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  Passwords - OWC Moderators: LC
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Don
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Passwords by Anonymous - Short, Horror - A boy is harassed by an online opponent. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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That was well written and easy to follow. The future of hacking! Quite a scary thought indeed.

The tone shifts somewhat awkwardly and I found myself wondering why Jesse goes into this virtual nightmare so calmly and plays along as if it is nothing? It starts to shift into a horror mode only for the tone to shift again to light and playful, with the two becoming friends just like that.

I like this future glimpse of gaming, I just think you either need to stick with a tone and rev it up to the max or play the game out longer so they can become friends over a more natural course of events.

The page limit I think forced your hand here though and I encourage you to expand this one out after the challenge.

A good entry, well done.

-Mark  


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ajr
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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This was cute!

Well written and an easy read.

Not sure I got a horror or sci-fi vibe from it. It felt a bit safe because any "terror" taking place was in the virtual world. I'm guessing that the boy lives in a "smart house" and Amanda was able to hack into his lighting system, which was the creepiest part of this.

I'm not a gamer at all so this wasn't up my alley however I'm sure there would be plenty of people entertained by this if it was on screen, beyond the parameters of the challenge.

Nice job -

AJR


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Cameron
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there, Anonymous! What’s happening in the world of online hacking and such stuff? Got anything on Donny yet? Tax returns? Lord Lucan?? Oh, you’re not that Anonymous, ahhhhh, my apologies.

The script!! Look, it doesn’t fit the parameters. It’d need a decent sized budget and although the tension built like a horror (really well done btw) it then stopped half way and sort of became a romcom.

The above being said, I laughed, I cared about the characters and it was really well written. You built that initial tension soooooo well, I mean it was really expertly done, then it turned fluffy. Not sure why you did it but I for one are glad, and it’s not from a competitive stand point, it’s because I really enjoyed it.

I can’t give it massive marks for the parameter breaking, but it’s something I’d read again and in the hands of a junior animator somewhere could be really fun.

Well done,

Cam
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eldave1
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
LEONARD55


Towards the end of the script, you forget to add the V.O in a couple of spots.

Okay, it was a nice, cute little story. I’m not sure if it hit the horror genre bar and the future shock element maybe – nothing in it was really something we don’t have technology-wise today.

A complete story that I enjoyed.  Kudos for entering.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure that it really ticks the Horror box and his relatively nonchalant reaction when she has to go help her mum felt a little off, but...

I enjoyed this, I'm a sucker for a good meet-cute


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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DaveTroop
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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PASSWORDS

Not much to add here.

Great title.

El Dave mentioned the missing V.O. s on the last two pages.  Not super confusing, but you definitely need them there.

Lots of character names to follow, but again you made it easy.

The dialog was very good.  

If this was an open genre contest, I feel it would do very well.  I did feel suspense and dread in the virtual world, but like the others said, the story really does a 180 at the end.

Okay, to sum up...

I really liked this a lot.  Maybe too difficult (expensive) to shoot as a short.  However, use this as a starting off point and expand it into an animated feature.  I think you really have a great premise, and your writing skills are definitely up to the challenge.

Well done.

A pleasure to read.

Good luck in the contest.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Horror? Well, I suppose it was tense and fearful

The idea of someone gaining access to your systems, whilst not new, is a powerful aspect. And also could someone’s hacking go too far etc

That the person in control was just messing with him, and a girl of all things !! felt quite a reversal. Was it too much?

I liked the cute meet but something tells me if needed to be a different script, genre - could be a real nice piece

All the best


My scripts  HERE

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Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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Geezis
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 8:18am Report to Moderator
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Hacking and bullying. Very relevant to todays online community, very little sense of danger and not placed too far in the future I would imagine.

Didn't really get any sense of horror either.

Very well written, easy to follow and neat. I enjoyed it.

Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Gum
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Yeah, I didn’t see that coming, so… good on you for keeping it elusive till the end. Nice spin too, as opposed to some greasy perv posing as a young girl to lure in naïve kids, it’s actually some mouthy (and seemingly intelligent) hacker tart giving online gamers the gears.

Got the Sci-fi, but the horror angle is lacking. Mind you, if I recall being 12, and having that typical mindset, if someone was lurking and knowing my every move… yeah, that’s creepy/horror type stuff nightmares are born of. Quick fun read on a Sunday aft. Best of luck.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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Story: It’s a fun little tale that has a nice twist at the end. Liked how you actually turned some things on their head, including making a female in a gaming world someone with power. Nice commentary there.

Characters: Like both Jesse and Amanda.  They’re written solidly with some humanity to them.

Dialogue:  Very good.  I liked the back and forth not only between Jesse and Leonard/Amanda, but also between Jesse and the computer.

Writing:  Good stuff here. Pretty sharp from beginning to end.

Meeting the challenge:  Light on the horror and maybe also on the sci-fi, but I’ll give it a bit of a pass as I liked the writing so much.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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The Moviegoer
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, this was really good. Flowed well, crisp writing. Built up the tension well and seemed to be a good blend of horror with sci-fi but the twist in the tail moved it away from horror. Not sure if it really meets the parameters of future shock but a really neat idea well executed.

Perhaps if Amanda was actually a bit more unhinged and stalkerish it would have fit the profile better. It might have made more sense for Jesse to be forced into continuing playing in some way – maybe she has hacked some secrets he doesn’t want revealed, or she can manipulate tech in some way that would hurt his parents – but I appreciate that’s a lot to fit into 6 pages.


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Spqr
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Loved it. Having your computer take over your home, not just your computer, can definitely ruin your day. The text exchanges were hilarious. And Leonard55 turning out to be 13-year-old Amanda was a nice touch. I can see these two kids joining forces in a full script and battling whatever evil entity is even now plotting the takeover of the virtual world.
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Pleb
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 4:59am Report to Moderator
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That was an easy read. Clean, clear writing from start to finish and the ending wasn't what I expected, which was nice to see.

Good job!


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Conz
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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I already don’t buy a 12 year old even know what “pinko lefty fascist” means.

Can’t help but feel like a little more back and forth early would justify this type of reaction. Disagreeing on a video game and calling him stupid isn’t enough, even if you intend for him to be a psychopath.

Ok, so there’s a horror idea in someone being able to control all your tech, but this isn’t it. This almost feels like the beginning of a weird romantic comedy between kids.

Decent thoughts, weird execution. Also tend to be against the "kids that seem way too smart for their age" trope. They could have easily been 15 and not much would have changed.


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Heretic
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm. Cute enough. I'd feel a bit fleeced if I saw this as a film. The beginning teases potential real-world stakes, then the tension just kinda slowly dissipates from there as we realize that the rest of the thing's just mucking around in VR.
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Rob
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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Strong opening. I liked the ominous feel of the player being hacked and forced into a new game with a different avatar. The switching of genders was interesting. Characters and dialogue felt realistic.

The end felt a little too sunny. I feel like there's one more surprise to be had. What if there is another player lurking just around the corner who isn't as friendly as Amanda. A dangerous third party? The two players might have to join forces against something that is truly frightening.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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You had me at Warzone. I've been totally sucked into it since the whole stay at home order (currently a one star Brig. General). I had high hopes for some true horror but it just didn't pay off.

I'll admit that I enjoyed the read but it could have been so much more: Lose an arm or a leg; Malatov cocktail burns; skull-faced hacker....

It fits the challenge but weak in horror. Thanks for entering!
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ReneC
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
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Aww, it's a meet cute! Adorable.

The twist that a girl is behind it all isn't exactly fresh but it still plays well. A lot of the avatar and VR tropes are on display here. It's well-trodden territory too.

The real horror is why she's stalking him. Does she hack everyone who pisses her off? There's a story. Still, the horror elements here are decent, the only problem is in VR there are no real stakes. If his avatar dies, so what? That robs a lot of the tension horror relies on.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 12th, 2020, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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Opening Slug needs work, as in what room are we in?

Delete Page 6, as it's blank.

Tough one to judge here, as I have to admit that I found it quite cute, but it's not horror in any way - well, it could be written as horror, but you didn't do that.  This is a RomCom of sorts, with kids...kids who can do things that are pretty much impossible.

I think a big problem is hat you named the games, which makes us realize this is not in the future, and because of that, there's no Future Shock here - the ability to take over lights, TV, stereo, gaming devices is SyFy, but it's BS SyFy.

I can't say I didn't like this, but I have to grade by the parameters - but you still get a pretty good grade anyways.  But if I was voting, it would be a "did not meet challenge parameters".

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