Due Process by 0 - Short, Sci Fi - An old-school criminal falls foul of the law in a world where the judiciary has been privatized and justice streamlined. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

SPOILERS - Judge Dredd with a bit of Wedlock thrown in. Nice!

Format first of all. This is written in Word by the looks of it. If you sent this into a competition or to a producer they may not look past the first page. CELTX is free if you are looking for free software that will format it as industry standard.

If you did and formatted this as it should be, it would be over the 6 pages easy I reckon.

Apart from this, the writer knows how to write. A fellow Brit, I reckon.  The story is easy to follow and shows a dark version of the future of policing. I don't see much in the way of horror. There is a bit of gore in the twist but that's it.

A nice piece of writing, fairly easy to film and well told, I'm not sure it qualifies as per the OWC rules though but that will be for each reader to decide.

-Mark

Hey Writer, you, yeah you.

So I’m pretty certain we’ve got a Brit here, or more accurately an English person (or Pommie, to me and my Australian brethren). Anyway, hate to say it but I didn’t get the horror. The future stuff is there, but it felt like an action/drama script. I actually found it quite funny! Not sure if that was supposed to happen but liked ‘im and the missus, quite the comedic double act they were.

The story kinda rambles about, it was quite enjoyable but I’m really not sure that’s what we’re supposed to be aiming at here. It felt loose, no real traction, but you’ve clearly got the ability to write scenes, so focus on what they should be doing and you’ll be creating gems.

There’s some formatting issues, you’ll get some crit about that, sort out your software and no one will winge at you again.

Anyway, didn’t really meet the parameters but it was none the less enjoyable, and even funny!!

All the best,

Cam

I think others will go in depth on some of the writing faux pas but, the truth is, you can write well. Trim up your action sequences and format with some software and you're golden.

What I really like is your talent for dialogue and making it realistic. The banter and interaction was well done. Good job.

The sci-fi requirement - Check. The horror element...not so much. He had his leg blown off but it really doesn't constitute horror.

Well done, writer. Get some free script software and see where it takes you.

Quoted Text EXT. DOCKLANDS – DAY

I have no idea what this is. What am I supposed to be seeing?

Quoted Text Let us see your character’s physical characteristics as when intro’d. e.g., this: ANTO and DEAN race through a docklands landscape of warehouses and derelict buildings. They are both about 30, sporting tracksuits and fake-gold chains. Dean is out front; Anto, a little chubbier than his friend, struggles to keep pace.

ANTO (30), a bit chubby and DEAN (30) athletic, race through….

This way when I see them running in the first sentence I know what is fit and one is not right off.

No reason to keep telling us about how old your characters are. Just state their age.

Quoted Text JUDGE HAYES Okay. Estimated time for our monitors to review the footage is 7 minutes.

Seven – not 7.  You need to spell out numbers in dialogue.

Did not see any elements of horror.

I thought this started well, and the polite/British Dredd type justice was clever, believable and worked well for me

But then the story didn't really go anywhere and didn't have any horror in it. Last page in particular reads more like a page from a short story than it does from a script.

Decent effort.

Needs a lot of work on format and the leanness of a script, but there are some decent aspects to this

The opening was strong but the way the rest played out felt more the opening of a feature script, than a short.

As a short this has potential especially if focused purely around the first scene and weaving in aspects of what justice will look like, the pro’s the con’s and of course the errors

All the best

A modern tale of a misspent youth, this is a scenario played out across the UK and I'm sure other countries so it's relatable, characters are easy to envisage but not sympathise with, their criminals after all.

But no real sci-fi apart from the almost instantaneous judge, jury and sentencing and no horror that was apparent to me.

There are formatting issues but that comes with time and experience, trust me I'm still learning also.

Well done on your entry.

Hi writer,

Oh, man… bummer; getting a leg blown off for a… what’s a level 6 violation? Anyway, I could definitely foresee a future that zip-lines criminals through the justice system using your suggested technology here. Perhaps for misdemeanors or by-law violations, however, you’d still want violent offenders off the street, and definitely not living in an apartment complex where others are a stone throw away.

Mind you, Anto doesn’t really seem like a violent offender, just broken down by the system, this coupled with his estranged/emotionally abusive relationship with Sharon… whoever she is, just makes him a product of circumstance.

But, yeah, I like the story, it has overtones of a future run by a Fascist Regime that doles out punishment like fast food; judge, jury, and executioner on the spot, and will most likely be run by Big-tech.

The script is at its best when dealing with the future law enforcement, including a bit of "excessive force" at the end.

Outside of the one moment, there really wasn't horror. Though, one might argue that one moment is enough.

Thanks for sharing!

The moral of the story is stay fit, so you can escape.  An excellent cautionary tale for the future of modern criminality.

Story:  Bits of this are pretty funny.  Anto gets what he deserves in the end.  Not sure why Sharon leaves at the end of the story.  I think if you were keeping in tone with the preceding pages, you might have kept her around to give him grief about having another ankle bracelet.

Characters: Anto is interesting and full of mischief.  A bit chockablock on his decision making, which probably is what makes him the fun read he is.  

Dialogue:  Probably could be enhanced a bit.  A little sparse in spots and could maybe use a little more nuance, but overall, it’s okay.

Writing:  The writing is okay, but I know you’re going to get some comments about those large action blocks, so you don’t need me adding on.  This probably could have done with some trimming.

Meeting the challenge:  I guess it meets the challenge, at least on the sci-fi side. Not so much on the horror side.

Loved the cops and the roving instant justice system. Very nice piece of tech incorporated into the story.

Thought it went a bit off the rails plot-wise with all the fitness malarky.

Some nice action, just not a lot of horror or scares.
P.S. I notice this is just listed under SciFi.

Hey writer,

Some people would argue it's best not to use a montage. let alone two over two pages... but I'd argue you can never have too many montages!

Story-wise it was easy to follow (although the random Judge Sandy character threw me off), but I found it hard to care much for the characters. Sure, there was some humour in there but that alone wasn't enough to redeem them for me.

However, I dig the cold, distant, corporate feel of how justice was practiced and ultimately executed. Something I could actually see happening.

Good stuff

the fact this is British makes it better to me for some reason.

I love the idea of the judges. That’s something that seems like it could happen eventually, just stream lining the justice system and laying down sentencing on the spot.

I’m not sure I needed the middle of the story. You can’t just cut right to the foot blowing off for leaving the perimeter but him losing weight and then getting coke wasn’t all that interesting.

I guess I also kinda knew the conclusion. I knew he was gonna go over the line, and something was gonna “blow,” so I wish you maybe did something a little more creative that we’ve never seen before.
Still, I think the overall idea is a good one.

I liked this story, but it could use a once-over to make it less "literary." There's no individual unfilmable that I'd consider out of bounds (each one at least tells the actors how to play the scene); it's just that there's a LOT of action lines relative to how much action actually occurs.

More of a sci-fi/drama vibe than a sci-fi/horror vibe, and once the tracking bracelet came into play it was obligatory that he'd violate the perimeter at some point. Since I'd seen Wedlock, I was pretty sure I knew how that would turn out, too. At least he got his revenge on that blasted fence!

Another quibble with the parameters: the getting-fit montage will blow any "modest" budget. You need weeks or months between shooting the two halves, or a couple different fat suits.

Overall, a good effort and a creepy dystopia.

While instant justice may horrify some people, the horrific part is how many people would applaud it. This is an entertaining story, and I actually got to like dumbass Anto. And the interaction between Barrett and Judge Hayes was especially good. But, like so many other scripts in this challenge, it’s weak on the horror end of things.

The concept of instant justice is interesting and rather frightening. Anto never got to say one word in his defense. What if we're headed down that path?

What happens after the instant justice seems a little mundane. A guy on house arrest does chin ups and gets fit. This isn't exactly thrilling and there's not much social commentary.

The explosive end works. The ankle bracelet on the remaining leg is a good way to finish.

Work on the middle. That's my advice. What does instant justice do to a man?

Also, this might work better if Anto was actually an innocent man who was wrongly convicted by the instant judgment.

Formatting issues aside, this is a pretty good story. There's no horror in it though. Plenty of Big Brother/Judge Dredd stuff, which is cool, and your characters and dialogue are excellent.

I guess I felt let down by having nobody to root for in this. Just when I thought Anto might redeem himself, he goes off the rails. I would have even been cool with him getting all fit and agile to better get away from the jerk cops next time. Instead he just sinks into his habits and pays a heftier price than expected.

Still, there's a lot to like here and I'm looking forward to more from you. Learn proper formatting and you're off to the races.