Terms & Conditions by Anthony Cawood (Anthony Cawood) writing as Francis Bacon - Short, Horror - A desperate dash to answer a call of nature leads to an unexpected diagnosis. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

That’s really good.

Nice and simple, one scene, one location - a power struggle we understand.

This idea that we agree to things we don’t know that are thrown back at us. That they use an automatic acceptance for larger purposes

Naturally this is taken a bit too far, but it’s meant to be horror etc

Not sure why he’s thrown into a hole to be honest - I may need to re read.

I could picture something like this being filmed.

Sound entry

Hi writer,

Ah, yes… the ol’ EULA that appears everywhere, which no one reads… but should, especially in the coming days.

Funny, the acronym EULA; End User License Agreement is a play on words that fits your story to a tee, as in: End (the) User.

Whatever, thought that was kind of coincidental; ‘less you meant to go there.

Wondering if that ominous black hole spits out the unfortunate stall patron onto the New Jersey Turnpike somewhere?

Easily contained, works well for the theme, well done.

Hey Francis! This is a change of speed from mad expressionist portraits, from beyond the grave too!

I suspect this is a UK or Ireland entry, owing to the name and style, but could be wrong. You, whoever you may be, I fear are going to be marked down by a few as I have in the past for injecting some comedy in an apparently more genre considered *serious* challenge.

I’m not going to though. Horror can go with comedy, and the tech is definitely there and this could be shot in an enclosed minimal space with some funky stage management. The writing had charm (so many good descriptions), it was perfectly paced and for some reason reminded me of Unlucky Alf from The Fast Show, a reference no one is going to get unless you are from the Uk, but one that if you understand it you'd realise it’s a hell of a compliment.

In a challenge where your eyes can get tired from reading so many scripts, I didn’t want this to end. That’s as big a compliment as I can pay.

Exceptional work,

Cam

Quoted Text Three cubicles,

Odd way to describe it – stalls maybe?? Maybe it's a brit thing.

Well written - no complaints there at all.  

The dialogue was fine.

Ending - What a way to go  (pun intended

I thought this was a clever concept and definitely an allegory for where medicine and healthcare could go. We could all be casually terminated in the future based on some random finding.

Two things for me - one, was that the toilet's answers were not pre-progammed. It was answering Ted based on what Ted was saying. Which I guess is the point of the assignment, but I wonder how far in the future we'd need to be for AI to be that sophisticated.

The second thing is that it lost a bit of its bite, horror-wise, because I couldn't rationally digest that these toilets and their agreements just casually lurk behind a very public and often-used restroom at the Mall, so it went more in the comedy direction for me.

Nice thinking out of the box, and I enjoyed the read -

AJR

I had to look up septuagenarian which took me out of the story. Be careful of that.

Well written, easy to follow. Sci-fi = tick. Horror - Kind of, yeah. Near future, maybe. Budget wise I'm not sure how much it would take to pull off the retracting toilet and endless black hole but I suspect it's a lot!

The story itself was well told. I'm not sure I buy into a euthanasia restroom slap bang in the middle of the mall near the other toilets. It comes out of left-field. I think you'd have to set up a dystopian world to match this tone, which is certainly doable for the next draft.

You put in some great commentary about terms & conditions, online shopping giants like Amazon etc. Although a predictable ending it still felt satisfactory and I liked mixing in comedy with horror.

A very decent entry, great job!

-Mark

Quoted Text He sprints, sort of, the remaining distance and pushes the door open.

"sort of"? Kind of awkward

Quoted Text INT. TOILET

MEN'S BATHROOM is better, more clear.

A talking commode. Piss on a wall. What's Ted suggesting anyway? You Tube has videos of people taking a piss in a bathroom stall?

Quoted Text Terms & Conditions

Symbols for dialog. A pet peeve of mine. Write out 'and'. Ted's dialog has the and, not the talking commode.

Quoted Text Ted turns and opens the door. Except he doesn't as the door remains firmly shut.

Either the door is open or it is closed. Does it open but slan shut in his face?


I'm not...into this. I'm out.

Simple story, well told. Drama, fear and sci-fi.

Kind of reminded me of a Futurama Suicide Booth but more of an euthanasia box.

Well done.

INT. TOILET.... ew. (Just kidding... it's probably a regional thing. And, I'm pretty sure I've used the same slug in the past.)

Anyway... I thoroughly enjoyed this. Kinda ticked I didn't write this myself. Looking forward to seeing who wrote this, as I need to make sure to find some more of your writing.

Thanks for sharing.

Story:  Solid.  Great concept, sells it well.  Brings it to a satisfying end (at least for the reader, not for Ted).

Characters: Ted is perfectly confused at what is happening and at trying to fight the ghosts in the machine.

Dialogue:  Top notch. Perfect pitch throughout. Was a quick read.

Writing:  Hard to argue with anything that’s put down on the page.

Meeting the challenge:  Definitely some sci-fi with the scan machine, but pretty light on the horror.  More like comic terror, but that’s fine.  Given the quality of the writing, I can grant a pass on that part.  

Overall, great job here.

Hi Writer,

Ha! I liked this a lot. It was a really quick and easy read, nicely paced and made me chuckle a bunch of times throughout.

This is probably my favourite one so far.

I don’t think you even need to tell us he has to go to the bathroom.  The descriptions of his movements and the sight of the bathroom sign are more than enough for the ol’ “show don’t tell.”

I like this idea a lot.

This is a perfect idea for a short. I’m not entirely sold on the cubicle telling him he has 6 years but then essentially taking him away right then and there, but I guess you had to make it a horror. That didn't really seem justified. I think a few tweaks and this would be a really fun idea to watch.

"teens and families" - Remember, always CAP 1st intros for all characters, even if they're not named...even if they're not human.  Just do it!

The writing here comes off as this is some kind of joke, and in a syfy horror script, this has no place, IMO.

"INT. TOILET" - Really?  We're inside a toilet?  Sick!  But, also, incorrect.

'cubicle" - WTF?  How about "stall"?

OMG, I'm getting ready to jump ship.  The writing here is so irritating.  Asides, incorrect words, odd descriptions, just not my bottle of Jager.

And now the toilet is speaking to Ted?  Fuck it.  I'm out.  Terrible.

*

Very good. I don’t think the insurance companies will appreciate you exposing a project they’re undoubtedly working on even now. I realize the story is only meant to stand as a self-contained short script, but I think it has potential to be a full script with a couple of tweaks. Let MediScan still do the scan and analysis, but not the elimination. Later, an “accident” befalls the insurance risk. That way no suspicion accrues to the insurance consortium behind MediScan, and they don’t even have to remunerate the family.

I have mixed feelings about this one. One the one hand it was well written and very funny; on the other hand it was too outlandish to really meet the future of tech/science parameter and the humour diluted the horror. The horror also jumped from futuristic tech horror to cosmological horror with the reveal of a bottomless void, so it felt a bit jarring as to what is actually going on. It’s purely situational rather than character-driven which makes it feel like a sketch rather than a film, though I guess that’s okay for a short.

Having said that, being claustrophobic the idea of being locked in a toilet cubicle – which happened to me once - is fairly terrifying and the void is a good metaphor for the unknowability of death so despite the humour it does have a creepy nihilistic feel.

You probably need to foreshadow Ted’s son as he just appears out of the blue at the end, and if we can’t see him how do we know it’s his son? It might come across like somebody in another cubicle’s son talking. Also, you could have the toilet take x-rays and ultrasounds while Ted’s peeing as well as just testing his urine – although maybe the pulsating light was doing that.

Hope this feedback does not discommode you.  

It was a breezy enjoyable read.

This was pretty good, cool idea. It is, on the most part, one location. But to create these effects could be on the pricey side. But, on a good note, it'd probably be the bulk of the whole budget.

Doesn't really meet the horror criteria. But, nevertheless, I enjoyed it an admire the creativity behind it.

-- Michael

More of a comedy -- or that's the tone I get, anyway (even if the central idea is legitimately scary).

I thought this was good slick fun with the I guess minor flaw that our protag has made his fatal mistake before the story starts. And I think this guy and his world could be filled out a bit more with some character building that lets us know how to contextualize and feel about our protag's fate. As it stands now, it kinda feels like a Creepshow-style morality tale horror short, but without the morality tale part. It's just a guy who dies.

I loved this! This pairs nicely with my Bryson 'Off Grid' a few challenges ago. Well done, writer. I haven't read the other reviews (yet) but I'm sure someone mentioned a missing word and a couple other grammar issues.

Thanks for entering.

I like this a lot. Definitely out of the box. Commendable for coming up with something unique.

Perhaps the horror is a little light and might I suggest you ramp up the suspense a bit, (perhaps give him a last minute choice and he fails the test?)but I love the commentary on big corporations deciding for us, particularly cost cutting measures and health and T&C fineprint which no-one reads. The U.S. health system is a bit of a nightmare from what I've gleaned.

Well done!

Strong writing and a solid premise. I can see why so many people like this one.

I did have a bit of trouble visualizing some of the action and the hole of nothing, I think that could have been handled better, but it's still compelling and fairly easy to do. You would definitely run into clearance issues using Amazon's name in this context though.

I really liked this story. Serious Brazil or Zero Theorem vibe here.

We don't see the abortive attempt at peeing (I hope!), so that should be described as sounds.

I would have him sign the fateful T&C in an opening scene, maybe in exchange for a five-pound discount on something in the mall. He rushes through the sign-up precisely because he needs to pee.

For a first draft, excellent work!

Lol very nice and scary and everything! Great work, I just have nothing else to add. And adheres to a super hard requirement too.

Although I’m not sure if it’s set in the future. But got to be

Thanks for all the feedback and comments, as always much appreciated.

Cam - thanks mate, appreciated and get the Fast Show reference though influence in the story was subconscious.

Rene - good point, I can always change it to Nlle instead

Frank - like the idea of him signing the T&Cs earlier because he's desperate to pee, that would play up the irony, tx.

Cubicles is a Brit thing I guess, at least for me -  stalls are ground floor seats in a theatre

The chasm opening, well this was part of the Horror aspect, but there's other ways this could go that may be less of a budget issue (I'd figured you could green-screen the floor), so I may amend this to poisonous gas.

Jeff - thanks for reading a bit of it

Again thanks all.

Had to check out the winner.

Quoted Text He's on a mission called bladder relief

Lol. Off to a great start.

Okay, finished.

I laughed a lot with this one.

Well written, good dialogue, a clever idea and a fine ending - black comedy gold, overall.

I liked a little more Dave's, but I think that you did a great job, Anthony.

A fair win.

Congrats on the mug.

Hahaha, Anthony! Mate, a subconscious Unlucky Alf is just as beautiful as a conscious Unlucky Alf.

For our American Cousins, the amazing Paul Whitehouse (him who Jonny Depp called the greatest actor alive) as the poor old soul falling into a hole - https://youtu.be/S7lxOAHJ_80

Congrats again mate, really hope it gets picked up!

Terms & Conditions has now been optioned.

Congrats! One of my favorites. Good luck

Cool

Good work.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Terms & Conditions has now been optioned.

Nice! Congrats

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Terms & Conditions has now been optioned.

Congratulations.

READ THE CONTRACT!

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Terms & Conditions has now been optioned.

That is awesome! I hope it gets turned into an epic short film. Well done, mate!

Thanks all, and ha, yes Frank - I will!

Can't wait to see it!

Just in the process of optioning this to a second film maker, this one in Germany who found it on here!

A 2nd congrats is in order!!!

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Just in the process of optioning this to a second film maker, this one in Germany who found it on here!

Nice!!!

Congrats, Anthony.

Congrats, in German!

Danke

That’s great news, congrats!

There’s probably a German word for consequences of a promise made without careful thought. The language has a word for everything else

Congrats, Anthony. Waiting to hear from you that the deal's been finalized.

Deal finalised, payment received and contract terms agreed.

Film maker is planning to create a cubicle in the studio/sound stage so that each wall can be removed to allow for shooting from any angle and utilise a green screen for the floor.

Obviously that's quite a lot of pre-production so he's hoping to film in the spring.

Will keep you all posted.

Congrats again, Anthony.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood contract terms agreed.

That’s the dangerous part right there

Kidding aside, it’s great news.