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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June, 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  Dream Job - OWC Moderators: LC
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Heretic
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Great world and visuals. Fun premise. The problem in my view is that the story doesn't really start until Tyler's fired, and that's close to when the script ends. I think at the very least the threat of insect-based companies should be front and centre from the start. Tyler's a good character in need of a full story.
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ajr
Posted: June 10th, 2020, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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No horror and definitely bigger budget, as discussed here previously.

Very impressed with how you wrote the characters and built the world.

The trouble is that we get the stakes revealed to us in hindsight. Up until page 3 or 4 it looks like Tyler's going to be kicking ass one way or the other, whether he gets the job or not. So it was hard for me to invest in the story, despite how gorgeous this would look on screen and how fleshed-out the characters were.

And as with seemingly all the VR stories I've read here, I'm confused about the ending. Love the dystopian society, and the virtual commuting... I suppose that "work" is a game and if Tyler or Carl "succeed" at the job, they leave their squalor?  If that's the case, this is an idea really worth mining.  Good job.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 10th, 2020, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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I think a better idea is to have Tyler get the "dream job", only to find out that it's not what he thought it would be, which is the true horror this lacks.
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Rob
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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This is crisply written. I like the contrast between truth and reality. When you think about it, isn't an office a kind of lie, with people dressing up and filling corporate roles? I think the script could probably use some sort of macabre turn. What if Tyler get stuck in some loop, replaying his humiliation again and again?
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Conz
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 7:40am Report to Moderator
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if anyone cares...

So, I’m not gonna lie. This was a Friday afternoon idea – concept to FADE OUT. I saw the contest really late but haven’t written in a while so figured I’d go for it. Maybe I shoulda held back, but i already started writing within what i thought were the paremeters, so i dove in.

Once I hit submit, I knew the “horror” wasn’t gonna come through, so I’ll just explain where I’m coming from.

I agree, it’s barely there if at all. I think my entire approach was probably always gonna be too subtle to really qualify as “horror” anyway, it’s more depressing.

Thinking about this afterwards - I wanted to set a not so distant future where - due to pollution and whatever else you want to say has ravaged the earth so much - people never leave their house (like say we’re quarantined forever.) By that token, with the advance of technology, the workplace has moved on from Zoom meetings to the virtual world, so it actually feels like old times when you gathered in an office space… but like everything else, the 1% have corrupted the VR landscape, so you can’t even really do the cool “Ready Player One” type shit unless you can afford it. You can change your appearance, go to extreme places you could only imagine, etc… but it’s gonna cost ya. That’s essentially the “vacation” in this world.  

Is this a concept or a word salad?

The “horror” was supposed to be that “work” has essentially become “play.” Work is literally the highlight of the average person’s day, b/c you’re not in the real miserable world. Is that commentary, or extremely cynical word salad?

This company gives you one shot to move up and work with the elites in the ivory tower, while everyone else essentially lives in real life squalor. There’s a huge class gap. Maybe it’s just me, but the idea of work being the highlight of your life is horrific. That’s scarier than any monster or ghost to me, then again I’m a Millennial slacker.

Tyler doesn’t want to leave work b/c he essentially can’t do much else but sit in his shitty apartment with his roommate Carl, who is an elderly sad sack, future vision of everything Tyler would like to avoid, who may or may not be losing his job and missed his opportunity at the good life years ago. - this was all supposed to track, and clearly didn't.

That all sounds pretentious, I’m sure NONE of this comes across, b/c I didn't have enough time to cook - it's my own fault.

I’m trying to say “horror is subjective,” but I don’t even know if that’s true. It’s not my genre.

I also tried to be cute and not exposition dump too much. You guys are all right with the critiques. Maybe I’ll flesh this out and re-write it. Let me know if this idea sounds worth working on or if this is all the aforementioned word salad. I’ll have to fight my urge to somehow make it a comedy though, b/c that’s basically all I can do.

in conclusion, "word salad."  thanks for the notes. I will check Simply Scripts every Sunday going forward so i can actually get back in these things on time.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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