The Californians by Highly Derivative - Short, Sci Fi, Dystopian - A dystopian reimagining of Hansel & Gretel set in a post apocalyptic world ravaged by a deadly virus, militiamen, and cannibals. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

If it wasn't for the logline, I wouldn't have linked the story to Hansel and Gretel. Most definitely a dystopian image of the future but no real sci-fi and not much I'd classify as horror. All in all, I've seen much of this before.

That said, you know how to write and the read was easy enough. John's first dialogue should be (O.S.) I think. No real big issues to mention.

Good work, writer.

This is a very well written post-apocalypse drama, and I liked it for that.

But I don't really see it as meeting the criteria though.

Good script though.

Hey Highly Derivative (bit of a harsh name)!

Right then, straight up well done on having the proverbials to mention big Daddy T and bring politics and the apocalypse into this! I’ve got my opinions on the man, and indeed wrote an OWC on the apocalypse and him, so I dig.

What I don’t dig, however, is the distinct lack of meaningful future shock style technology that impacts on the script. It’s a fairy tale based post apocalyptic drama that’s well written, sprinkled with some gore and tension, but it ain’t the Black Mirror eruption that this challenge was looking for IMO.

Liked your style though. Clear, crisp writing and this could do well as a short outside of the challenge itself.

Best of luck!

Cam

Hi writer,

Just lurking and reading scripts with absolutely no rhyme or reason, except maybe to keep the comment count equal across the board; some more equal than others. Of course, the 2 and 3 pagers will always be the first with high comments, cause… y’know.

That being said, this was a surprisingly easy read, so… away I go.

“Noah reaches into his rucksack, pulls out what looks like beef jerky and shows it to Ruth.”

Was it a crusty slab of human num nums? As in a strip of skin from the ass of some poor leathery surfer boy, or girl, that succumbed to the apocalypse, and is now a jerky chew for the nomadic survivors…? OK.

Unfortunately the only Sci-fi element here is a nuclear weapon detonated sometime ago, but that’s not really fiction anymore. This does work well for an end of days genre/theme style of script, but it just seems like it was pulled from a shelf and reworked a bit to include a few elements that may or may not correspond with the Future Shock idea of technology being the horror lying in wait… mind you, nuclear holocaust seems pretty horrific when it come down to the crunch, so… yeah, it works in that sense.

Writing’s good IMO, Definitely not your first ‘ro-dayo’. Best of luck.

Hmm.

Writing wise it's pretty top-notch.

Criteria wise it's not even close. The only element it hits at all really is the future.

Going to have to debate this one in my mind before scoring - it really isn't even close to the criteria.

North? Closer to the Trumpists? - LOL.

Definitely dystopian future and could be filmed easily if you found the right location, it just doesn't remind me of Hansel & Gretal at all.

The problem is you start this way too early and all we see for pages is these two wandering the wastelands. With Noah losing his arm so easily it seems miracle these two have survived for so long.

You get to page 6 and have run out of time, so you don't get to add the horror element, just the suggestion of cannibalism. I would suggest starting this a lot later, with Noah stuck in a trap and two strangers coming to assist. You can fill us in on the backstory and Trumpists as you go then and have more room to add horror and more story.

Decent writing and easy to follow, it just doesn't fulfill the criteria for me.

Hi,

The beginning felt a bit "Return of the King" to me, a long trudge, hunger and despair.

For a 10 and 12 year old to be experienced killers and cannibals in a ravaged world paints a very bleak vision of the future.

Didn't get any Hansel and Gretel from it though, so a bit of a misnomer there.

Well written but as has been alluded to previously may not fit the criteria, but only having six pages to tell your story is a lot to ask, expansion to the story would probably correct this however.

Well done.

Story: Certainly a dystopian tale.  Two kids making their way from California (after decimation from war? Disease? Not sure).  I’m not exactly sure of the entire point of the story, other than they’re getting away from bad stuff but they run into more bad stuff, only to show that they’re cannibals?  Things are bleak indeed.  I think this could use just a little more backstory for the kids to let us know what they were up against and why they wound up where they are now.

Characters: Noah and Ruth are supposed to be 10 and 12, respectively, but they seem much older than that in the way they act, talk, think, etc.  Maybe it’s the dystopian times they live in.  Maybe they should be just a bit older and that would make them somewhat more believable as characters.  They’re drawn out nicely, but I just didn’t buy into how grown up they were (or how Noah could be an expert marksman with a bow and arrow after just having lost his arm).

Dialogue:  Okay for the most part, but again I’m going to say that they don’t sound like pre-teenagers.  They sound more like adults.

Writing:  Overall pretty good.  Solid writing throughout, nice descriptions and pacing.  

Meeting the challenge:  Think it meets the challenge.

There's a very scant reference to the morse-code device being updated tech, but then it plays no part in the story except to say he could communicate with it in the past.  And, the one bit of tech there was is now defunct - the Ring video Doorbell Pro . I dunno, this appears to be a story about everything off-grid. The one item that does damage (well, actually two, if you count the fox trap) is a shotgun repurposed as a crossbow.

You know you kinda had me in the palm of your hand while reading cause your story has great atmosphere, sympathetic child characters, and you've a very assured writing style - no hiccups there. You took me on a journey... And I wanted to see what was at the end. Clever you.

But really, sorry, when it comes down to it there's not a lot happening and what is happening doesn't meet the Future Shock brief, either in horror or SciFi.

P.S. I notice you left out horror as a genre selection.

I think the pen name summed it up - derivative.

Despite the lack of originality you did manage to add a decent amount of human interest, however, which shows an assured writing style.

Not sure it really ties in with the theme that strongly as the horror is post-apocalyptic, not really tied to a new technology or new use of technology.

Right out the gate I can’t shake the SNL sketch out of my head.

Trumpists – uh oh, here we go (I dig it)

I like the Ring being out and having to use the old style door bell.  Good visual.

“Highly derivative” wasn’t a lie. The little twist at the end was cool I guess, but everything that happened to get there felt familiar. This is probably better suited for a longer script where you can toss in some twists and turns, and show your spin on the typical Dystopian outriders, etc.

Not bad overall, but nothing really fresh.

Like others have already said I'm not sure how much it meets the criteria, especially as the tech stuff felt like it was shoehorned in there, unless you've interpreted in a fairly loose way.

Same goes for the Hansel and Gretel angle. Although I guess you phrased it as reimagining. Still, I wouldn't have thought of that unless it was in the logline.

However my main issue was the pacing. This is a matter of preference of course but I prefer something that hits the ground running.This felt more like five pages of foreplay followed by one page of intercourse.

Anyways good luck.

Good story, if very grim. Noah and Ruth are very resourceful cannibals, but they’re a product of their environment. The setup of the world they live in was well done, and the ending was nice. The only thing I might look at is the age of the kids, 10 and 12. I seriously doubt kids as young as this would have the stamina to get as far as they have.

Hmmm... not sure if this met the criteria. Not horror, sci-fi and didn't involve technology. Two things that it did meet -- it's low budget, overall. And it takes place in the future, though there's no technology to indicate that.

I kinda saw Hansel and Gretel in this story. Not note for note, but I could see it sorta. It is well written overall, though some commas here and there in dialogue are needed.

Quoted Text NOAH I know I know. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine, we’ve done this enough times already.

I did enjoy this and I liked the ending. But I gotta take points off for not really meeting the criteria. This would've been better suited for last month's OWC.

Nice job, though!

-- Michael

No future tech at all really, but...

I am a sucker for dystopian stuff, and Trumpists? Cool. Ya got me...

Someone earlier alluded to Noah losing his arm "for so long." When he catches it in the bear trap, afterwards it says something like he clutches his arm. You can't clutch your injured arm if you only have one arm, so I assumed then that he somehow cut his own injured arm off?

For food? Which is cool. And disgusting. But cool... but really, really disgusting.

Nice work. Definitely parameter bending, but I feel that you got something marketable out of this exercise.

AJR

Ok, lots of good in this, but again I feel this seems too expansive for the criteria/budget (you are not alone). Then again it is only three of them and perhaps this could be simply filmed around a cabin and surrounding countryside.

I tell you what, she’s a mature 12 year old !

Two kids, trying to survive, find a cabin in the woods and take refuge, only for him not to be thaT nice. It’s Seems a well worn path  for scripts, but I suppose it can always work.

Trumpists - I couldn’t get the image of a band of folk playing the trumpet out of my head!

Some nice writing on display but I think I would get to the cabin faster, stay longer and make this scene the main driver with more tension and conflict

All the best

Top notch writing. Great tone. The pacing is excellent. The visuals are rich. It's cinematic. The characters are well developed.

The story is good. It could be great, except your foreshadowing lessened the impact of the ending. The smile and promise of food when they see what you clearly described as a light (as in human activity) gives away the cannibalism. Without that, the "Like California" twist would have had a much bigger impact.

Otherwise, sure I've seen similar fare before, but the telling is good enough to overlook it. I enjoyed it. I'd drop any reference to Hansel and Gretel, that might have inspired you but it isn't evident and doesn't really apply anyway. This can stand on its own merit.

The fox is your one budget hit. Everything else can be done fairly cheaply, but the fox would be a problem.

Well done!

I read this all and then went back and read the reviews.  Almost everyone comments on how well this is written, how visual it is, etc.  Maybe I read a different version, because I don't agree at all.  I'm not saying the writing is bad or terrible, but it ain't great.

Slugs are an issue throughout - not so much as in how they're written, but how you've set this up.  For instance -  Opening Slug is EXT. WASTELAND - DAY.  Next Slug is EXT. WASTELAND - EVENING, and the 3rd Slug is EXT. WASTELAND - MORNING.  Look how each scene ends/transitions into the next one, and picture this in a filmed version.  Doesn't work for me this way at all.

Then, your next Slug shouldn't have WASTELAND in it at all.  On Page 3, you have EXT MOUNTAIN PASS - DAY, which really should be the same as the preceding Slug, meaning, there's no need for this Slug. Then we have the same Slug again, only this time, the time element is MOMENTS LATER.  Then we get MOUNTAIN OPENING, which isn't right.  The next scene - EXT. LOG CABIN - CONTINUOUS is not actually continuous at all.  Your final Slug has a period between the subject and time element.

You have CONTINUED on the bottoms of Pages 2,3, and 4 for some reason.

The 2 kids do not sound or act like kids...at all.  I think it's a mistake to use these ages.  Hell, I highly doubt a 12 year old girl could even open a bear trap.  A 10 year old losing his arm in said bear trap, and hours later, he's just fine and fine enough to shoot a weapon he's most likely never seen, and pulls it off perfectly.

Maybe the problem I have here is that I've seen these stories so many times, and there's really so little here that's new or unique.  I don't see any future shock at all.  It doesn't seem to be set in the near future.  And, although there is an element of horror here, there are zero scares.

It's just not for me and I don't see it meeting the parameters of the challenge.

**

Hey I like it.
Simple and to the point.

good characterizations and all. And the images were very vivid to me.

Yes, very much Hansel and Gretel, nice.

Does it answer the criteria - I don't think so. Wasn't it supposed to be around a future gadget, invention or whatever? I don't know, I've read a few that don't have it.

Well, I don't know what to say then. It's like you had this short before. Then again, probably you didn't. But there's a requirement to anwer and this doesn't in my opinion.