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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June, 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  Lurking Trauma - OWC Moderators: LC
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Pleb
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 5:42am Report to Moderator
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Tom should never have gone on that second date... but Gina's probably the kind that gave out easily. We've all been there eh? Guys?... Guys?

Seriously though, I liked it. Really, really nice writing. Was scrolling and reading in a way that I rarely find I can, so excellent job there. Enjoyed the story too. Not hugely original but well executed.

Oh and contrary to some of the other readers, I liked the sales spiel stuff. Lightened it for me and gave it bit of a Total Recall slant.

Good work!


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Conz
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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cool concept. i don't have many notes or complaints other than it being a bit unfulfilling.  This is actually an idea i would like to see expanded on.

Nitpick, but when someone is stabbed in the neck, i expect death. he seemed fine. whatever, no big deal i guess.

this is a good one. with even 3 more pages, it could have been super successful, but it's still solid.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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Zack
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 8:18am Report to Moderator
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Interesting idea, decent execution.

The writing is fine. A couple of awkward descriptions, but nothing deal-breaking. Dialog needs another pass, it's pretty on the nose at times.

A twist of some sort would have helped this stick out more, I think.

Still, a solid effort for only a week's worth of writing.
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ReneC
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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The first four pages are really strong. I could easily see it being filmed. The tone and pace are excellent, it's cinematic, there's tons of character, and buckets of sympathy for them. Really great stuff.

The ending was underwhelming. You pulled your punches. All that lead up and nobody was even badly hurt. It could have been shocking. It could have made Tarantino proud. Instead it ends on a joke.

That's my take, I doubt many others would agree. I'm the twisted one. Still, excellent potential, I enjoyed it.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 14th, 2020, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Hi Folks

Thanks for the reads and feedback.

Under the circumstances I was pleased with this one as I had little time, and by Thursday it was very rough...which is an understatement.

The one thing I struggled with was the ending and I understand that some preferred a different twist. I just didn't have one  

I suppose I hoped the script conveyed two things;

1] a cautionary tale of messing with people's heads based on generic science

2] that love, within an accepting relationship, can be healing, and in that process, well for this script, help overcome the inner demons, so to speak.


should also be easy to film.

Once again, thanks Don and Libby.

PS - if the OWC's are moving toward a more monthly, but shorter format, that would be brilliant for me.



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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