This starts off strong. The HOMA devices are well established, and I like that you go through Matt's morning routine to introduce this world, a world we can easily envision. I also really like the demonic HOMA as soon as he leaves and the anticipation that Matt is going to die. That's a good horror hook.

Unfortunately, it goes off the rails after that. The action is clunky, the pace is off, and it's boring. The demonic HOMA cackle at Matt like a mustache-twirling villain in what might be an attempt at toying with their prey, but without any clear motivation behind it it comes off as just silly. The latch on the door was strange, why wouldn't it be controlled electronically like everything else? Matt doesn't react in a believable way, he jumps straight to fleeing for his life when it's far more likely some hacker is messing with him. The police arriving on the scene doesn't work for me either, all the tension is gone already and as much as I was hoping for some twist or something to elevate the ending it's just an exposition wrap-up and a corny lingering threat. Far better to have left us with Matt and the HOMA returning to normal, like nothing happened, maybe even calling for medical help, or just going through some automated bedtime routine since Matt is indeed in bed.

Good concept, I think the page count hurt it. The action needs room to pace itself out better.

Okay, so... essentially this was - speakers intend to kill man, and speakers kill man. We know not why.

Which takes about 30 seconds of screen time. The chilling aspect with the technology speaking through the TV was good, however we didn't get enough of that. There are wasted opportunities here to build tension or give us more about Matt, which were spent on things like showing him shut his alarm clock and get out of bed and close his briefcase.

AJR

Great premise! Needs a revamp though.

Lines like this were just a bit hokey for me:

DEMONIC HOMA
So, do we do it tonight?
The smart-speaker on the table responds.
DEMONIC HOMA
Yes. Matt, our master, will die.
Tonight.

And it all came completely out of the blue.

I wanted to know 'why'. I think you need to set up some reason for machine turning rogue on its master.

This is good:
It's clear that he died of
electrocution, but there was
nothing connected to electricity
anywhere near where he was found.


This a big tell:

Matt's prolonged screams are
heard as he is electrocuted to death.

No need for that last line.

I think Rene summed things up perfectly really so I won't labor the point. And Dave mentioned the lie v lay thing::

Yes, I'm a broken record here.
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie

You hit the brief! Well done, thank you. Self contained location. Horror/SciFi, all tick.
Just needs some finessing.

An evil Alexa device. Neat idea. But this just didn't do it for me. The writing was actually pretty good, but Matt's dialog was very on the nose. This reads more like a comedy than a horror to me.

Still, a pretty good effort here.

Thanks everyone once again for the feedback. I'm glad to see that this was better received than my last OWC script. Like last time, I'll go through the feedback I received and respond to it.

Lies vs. Lays, I never know which word to use. Also I don't know what is meant by "Passive writing". Needless to say it's been many years since English class.

Yes, I still need to work on dialogue writing. I'm still not the best at that. Maybe some of you will have some advice on how I can improve that.

Due to the page count I couldn't flesh out the story as much as I wanted to. I'm planning to do a second version which will be a bit longer and have the story more fleshed out. Would anyone want to see that?

Now for a couple of fun facts. The name I used, Claude Cooper, is a reference to an old comedy skit. Here's the info from Wikipedia:

Quoted Text In 1968, Jack Webb guested on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson and took part in a parody of Dragnet. The premise was Webb (as Sgt. Joe Friday) grilling Carson about "kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland, who copped clean copper clappers kept in a closet." It became one of the most famous sketches in the show's history and was regularly shown on anniversary specials.

The admittedly unnecessary police ending was also inspired by Dragnet, as I'd been watching that show a lot at the time. I couldn't figure out any other way to stick the ending. The coroner's last line is taken directly from the cult classic adventure game Titanic: Adventure Out Of Time. It is spoken by the character Officer Morrow when the player goes to inspect the scene after another character is electrocuted in the Turkish Bath.

Finally, the title (and the name of the smart-speakers) is a play on Alexa. Alexa for the home, thus Homa.

All the feedback has been extremely valuable to me as always. Thanks once again, and I'm glad many of you enjoyed it.

Mark, did you look at the link re lie v lay? It's a good summary.

Passive writing. Just remember to relay only what we're seeing, and resist telling us information.

Example:

Having seen enough, the detective quickly covers the body
back up. He is sorrowful at what he has just seen.

The detective quickly covers the body back up. (this is what as an audience we will see).

He is sorrowful at what he has just seen is passive. We can only know this with you relaying the expression on his face, not telling us he is sorrowful. Alternately, he could look to his colleague and mutter something (in keeping with the lingo a detective might use) like:  shit way to go, or: poor bastard.

He tries to unlock the door, but it appears that the latch
is stuck in the locked position.

He tries (to open)  the door but it won't budge from the locked position, or the lock won't release. Delete 'it appears'. Just show us what we see.

Delete preambles like:
Not knowing what else to do,
Just then
Having seen enough
It appears

And:
Is heard

They're all static/passive lines - belonging in a novel, not screenplay.

All of this:

HOMA
Good morning, Matt. Outside
temperature is sixty-eight degrees.
Weather is mostly sunny, with
scattered clouds. Do you want me to
start the heater in the bathroom?

You had me onboard. It's terrific.

I think in a rewrite it might also be less hokey, and more sinister if it's just a robotic monotone voice, not demonic. I think this:

emits one last
low, satisfied demonic laugh.

Veers into a tongue in cheek comedic tone, instead of serious/threatening rogue machine turning on its user.

Likewise this:

DEMONIC HOMA
So, do we do it tonight?
The smart-speaker on the table responds.
DEMONIC HOMA
Yes. Matt, our master, will die.
Tonight.

These devices and their interaction sounds human, as if human beings have intercepted smart devices, and that'd be a different plot.

I also got a bit confused with the two devices with the same name communicating with each other.

Perhaps use terminology to differentiate: virtual assistant/voice assistant, home automation system, smart speaker.

HOMA 1
User 65571B
Matthew Ian Smith, has been preselected for termination.

HOMA 2
Affirmative. End of life scheduled for tonight, 23 March, 2029 at 2000 hours.

Don't use mine, cause it's off the cuff, but you get the gist.

I'd definitely go for another draft, Mark, lots of good material here, draw out the suspense a bit more, and you won't be restricted by page length.

Earlier today I got an email from someone in Bulgaria who has interest in filming this. I don't know whether he means the OWC version or the second draft version I wrote later.

I'll mention that I got into screenwriting mostly as a hobby and didn't anticipate selling any of the scripts I write. I haven't decided whether I'll take him up on his offer or not. To be honest I'm a little terrified.

Just thought I'd post this to let you all know.

Terrific news, Mark!

Don't be terrified. This is what we all aim for, hobby or not.

Ask him if he has examples of his work and what his plans for the film are.

Nothing worse than a badly made version of a good script, imho.

Nice!