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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June, 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  The Big Bad - OWC Moderators: LC
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  Author    The Big Bad - OWC  (currently 1129 views)
Don
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Big Bad by O'Brother Grimm - Short, Horror, Sci Fi - Making it out of the woods will be saving Grace. 2 pages. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Zack
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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Really like this one. Very creative and the writing itself is mostly spot-on. Great work here.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Very nicely written, descriptively excellent.

I knew where this was going more or less from the get go, but that's not a bad thing here.

My only minor gripe is that you could've given us more peril and scares as you had 4 pages to spare.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Cameron
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there Grimm,

That was short! Surprised there ain’t more reviews yet, folk usually go for the low page counts first. Anyway, let’s do this...

Writing - good
Parameters - met
Filmability on budget - borderline
Engaging? - I’d say so

It was short, pacing was really good and it just did what it was supposed to! Even had a bit of comedy at the end, just shows you don’t need the full page count.

Top stuff writer!

Cam
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eldave1
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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This was an entertaining read and a bit clever in addressing the parameters - tell a story that has nothing to do with the parameters and then wrap it up at the end with one paragraph telling us what we saw was all VR. Clever.

Future shock and horror?? I don't know - that's a tough call since all of it was imaginary. ... i.e., it was a story about two kids playing with a VR so any VR game would suffice.

I'll let it go.

Nice writing - I was entertained.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Gum
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Sorry, ain’t got  me a ton ‘o feedback for this script I’m afraid. In my defense… it’s only a few pages. And at only 2 pages, I can’t say there was anything mind-bending about it.

That being said, I think you did a great job working a simple horror tale into something palatable for the challenge, so… yeah, easy and fun, and it works. Best of luck.
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Fais85
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 4:25am Report to Moderator
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**SPOILERS**

This was entertaining.

However, I am not a fan of those stories that end up in the protagonist waking up from a dream. In other words, whatever we watched as an audience was a lie.

I always felt that it's cheating, to justify everything going on in the story. But, that's just my personal opinion. No complaints about the writing though. It was well written.
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ajr
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Definitely well written as Grace makes her way through the forest. It becomes apparent half-way through that we're in a re-imagining of Little Red Riding Hood. This is the 2nd one I've read about virtual reality and I agree with what's been said that VR kind of removes the stakes a little bit.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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FrankM
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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The logline is a mishmash of metaphors that doesn't really tell anyone what to expect in the story. Cute pun, though.

Fancy font-work on the title page will earn you some ire from certain readers.

Should start with "FADE IN:" and end with "FADE OUT."

This may be pushing it on the modest budget front, but I'm sure some creative director can figure it out.

Spoilers:

The "it was all a dream" ending is an overdone and unsatisfying trope. It'd be fine as an OPENING to a somewhat longer story that parallels some elements of the initial chase. Understandable that under the time constraint we only got this bit.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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That was a quick read and quite entertaining. No issues with the writing and I've got to let the VR slide since it was the first option in the OWC tech parameters. After all, Marty experienced the 'horror' through Grace.

My biggest gripe is that there could've been so much more. Time crunch maybe? You quit too early. Grace could've had more choices during her travels through the wood.

None the less, fit the challenge. Good work, writer.
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Geezis
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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I wonder why two teenage boys with virtual reality headsets would be playing at Little Red Riding Hood. Seems a bit out of character for me.

Nice wee twist though.

Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Story:  Thankful for a 2 pager!  Was quick but still packed a lot into the story.  Could kind of see what was going to happen because there hadn’t been any sci fi up until almost the very end. Solid stuff.

Characters: Is Grace a character?  I guess so – she definitely makes you feel the panic for her and the choices she makes, so thumbs up.  

Dialogue:  Not much dialogue so nothing really to judge here.

Writing:  Overall very good.  Nicely crafted action lines and a good setting of the mood and nailing the final twist.

Meeting the challenge:  Sort of light on the sci fi front, since VR is already in vogue, so not sure how it works into the challenge here, but I’m being lenient as the writing makes up for it.    


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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The Moviegoer
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Well written, very evocative – but was predictable and didn’t really fit the brief of showing science and technology leading to horrific consequences. Why would the boy be so scared if he's aware it's a VR game? More of a writing exercise than a story.


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Pleb
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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Well done on fitting that all in to 2 pages. The writing was decent with some nice, clear visuals. The end for me was a bit 'meh", but it works in the sense that you were able to meet the requirements by doing so.

Good luck with it.


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Spqr
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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It was fun and short.
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