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The Big Bad - OWC (currently 1129 views) |
Don |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 8:20am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The Big Bad by O'Brother Grimm - Short, Horror, Sci Fi - Making it out of the woods will be saving Grace. 2 pages. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Zack |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 2:04pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Really like this one. Very creative and the writing itself is mostly spot-on. Great work here. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 3:34pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Very nicely written, descriptively excellent.
I knew where this was going more or less from the get go, but that's not a bad thing here.
My only minor gripe is that you could've given us more peril and scares as you had 4 pages to spare. |
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Reply: 2 - 24 |
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Cameron |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 6:35pm |
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Guest User
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Hey there Grimm,
That was short! Surprised there ain’t more reviews yet, folk usually go for the low page counts first. Anyway, let’s do this...
Writing - good Parameters - met Filmability on budget - borderline Engaging? - I’d say so
It was short, pacing was really good and it just did what it was supposed to! Even had a bit of comedy at the end, just shows you don’t need the full page count.
Top stuff writer!
Cam |
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eldave1 |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 7:10pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
This was an entertaining read and a bit clever in addressing the parameters - tell a story that has nothing to do with the parameters and then wrap it up at the end with one paragraph telling us what we saw was all VR. Clever.
Future shock and horror?? I don't know - that's a tough call since all of it was imaginary. ... i.e., it was a story about two kids playing with a VR so any VR game would suffice.
I'll let it go.
Nice writing - I was entertained. |
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Reply: 4 - 24 |
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Gum |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 9:18pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Hi writer,
Sorry, ain’t got me a ton ‘o feedback for this script I’m afraid. In my defense… it’s only a few pages. And at only 2 pages, I can’t say there was anything mind-bending about it.
That being said, I think you did a great job working a simple horror tale into something palatable for the challenge, so… yeah, easy and fun, and it works. Best of luck. |
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Fais85 |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 4:25am |
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New
LocationIndia Posts190 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
**SPOILERS**
This was entertaining.
However, I am not a fan of those stories that end up in the protagonist waking up from a dream. In other words, whatever we watched as an audience was a lie.
I always felt that it's cheating, to justify everything going on in the story. But, that's just my personal opinion. No complaints about the writing though. It was well written. |
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Reply: 6 - 24 |
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ajr |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 11:23am |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Definitely well written as Grace makes her way through the forest. It becomes apparent half-way through that we're in a re-imagining of Little Red Riding Hood. This is the 2nd one I've read about virtual reality and I agree with what's been said that VR kind of removes the stakes a little bit.
AJR |
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Reply: 7 - 24 |
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FrankM |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 11:42am |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
The logline is a mishmash of metaphors that doesn't really tell anyone what to expect in the story. Cute pun, though.
Fancy font-work on the title page will earn you some ire from certain readers.
Should start with "FADE IN:" and end with "FADE OUT."
This may be pushing it on the modest budget front, but I'm sure some creative director can figure it out.
Spoilers:
The "it was all a dream" ending is an overdone and unsatisfying trope. It'd be fine as an OPENING to a somewhat longer story that parallels some elements of the initial chase. Understandable that under the time constraint we only got this bit. |
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Reply: 8 - 24 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 1:40pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
That was a quick read and quite entertaining. No issues with the writing and I've got to let the VR slide since it was the first option in the OWC tech parameters. After all, Marty experienced the 'horror' through Grace.
My biggest gripe is that there could've been so much more. Time crunch maybe? You quit too early. Grace could've had more choices during her travels through the wood.
None the less, fit the challenge. Good work, writer. |
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Reply: 9 - 24 |
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Geezis |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 1:52pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
I wonder why two teenage boys with virtual reality headsets would be playing at Little Red Riding Hood. Seems a bit out of character for me.
Nice wee twist though.
Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 10 - 24 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 10:33pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Story: Thankful for a 2 pager! Was quick but still packed a lot into the story. Could kind of see what was going to happen because there hadn’t been any sci fi up until almost the very end. Solid stuff.
Characters: Is Grace a character? I guess so – she definitely makes you feel the panic for her and the choices she makes, so thumbs up.
Dialogue: Not much dialogue so nothing really to judge here.
Writing: Overall very good. Nicely crafted action lines and a good setting of the mood and nailing the final twist.
Meeting the challenge: Sort of light on the sci fi front, since VR is already in vogue, so not sure how it works into the challenge here, but I’m being lenient as the writing makes up for it. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 11 - 24 |
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The Moviegoer |
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 8:40am |
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Posts38 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Well written, very evocative – but was predictable and didn’t really fit the brief of showing science and technology leading to horrific consequences. Why would the boy be so scared if he's aware it's a VR game? More of a writing exercise than a story. |
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Pleb |
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 9:12am |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Well done on fitting that all in to 2 pages. The writing was decent with some nice, clear visuals. The end for me was a bit 'meh", but it works in the sense that you were able to meet the requirements by doing so.
Good luck with it. |
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Spqr |
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 11:12am |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
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Reply: 14 - 24 |
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