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The Big Bad - OWC (currently 1130 views) |
Don |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 8:20am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The Big Bad by O'Brother Grimm - Short, Horror, Sci Fi - Making it out of the woods will be saving Grace. 2 pages. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Zack |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 2:04pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Really like this one. Very creative and the writing itself is mostly spot-on. Great work here. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 3:34pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Very nicely written, descriptively excellent.
I knew where this was going more or less from the get go, but that's not a bad thing here.
My only minor gripe is that you could've given us more peril and scares as you had 4 pages to spare. |
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Cameron |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 6:35pm |
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Guest User
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Hey there Grimm,
That was short! Surprised there ain’t more reviews yet, folk usually go for the low page counts first. Anyway, let’s do this...
Writing - good Parameters - met Filmability on budget - borderline Engaging? - I’d say so
It was short, pacing was really good and it just did what it was supposed to! Even had a bit of comedy at the end, just shows you don’t need the full page count.
Top stuff writer!
Cam |
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eldave1 |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 7:10pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
This was an entertaining read and a bit clever in addressing the parameters - tell a story that has nothing to do with the parameters and then wrap it up at the end with one paragraph telling us what we saw was all VR. Clever.
Future shock and horror?? I don't know - that's a tough call since all of it was imaginary. ... i.e., it was a story about two kids playing with a VR so any VR game would suffice.
I'll let it go.
Nice writing - I was entertained. |
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Gum |
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 9:18pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Hi writer,
Sorry, ain’t got me a ton ‘o feedback for this script I’m afraid. In my defense… it’s only a few pages. And at only 2 pages, I can’t say there was anything mind-bending about it.
That being said, I think you did a great job working a simple horror tale into something palatable for the challenge, so… yeah, easy and fun, and it works. Best of luck. |
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Fais85 |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 4:25am |
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New
LocationIndia Posts190 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
**SPOILERS**
This was entertaining.
However, I am not a fan of those stories that end up in the protagonist waking up from a dream. In other words, whatever we watched as an audience was a lie.
I always felt that it's cheating, to justify everything going on in the story. But, that's just my personal opinion. No complaints about the writing though. It was well written. |
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ajr |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 11:23am |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Definitely well written as Grace makes her way through the forest. It becomes apparent half-way through that we're in a re-imagining of Little Red Riding Hood. This is the 2nd one I've read about virtual reality and I agree with what's been said that VR kind of removes the stakes a little bit.
AJR |
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FrankM |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 11:42am |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
The logline is a mishmash of metaphors that doesn't really tell anyone what to expect in the story. Cute pun, though.
Fancy font-work on the title page will earn you some ire from certain readers.
Should start with "FADE IN:" and end with "FADE OUT."
This may be pushing it on the modest budget front, but I'm sure some creative director can figure it out.
Spoilers:
The "it was all a dream" ending is an overdone and unsatisfying trope. It'd be fine as an OPENING to a somewhat longer story that parallels some elements of the initial chase. Understandable that under the time constraint we only got this bit. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 1:40pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
That was a quick read and quite entertaining. No issues with the writing and I've got to let the VR slide since it was the first option in the OWC tech parameters. After all, Marty experienced the 'horror' through Grace.
My biggest gripe is that there could've been so much more. Time crunch maybe? You quit too early. Grace could've had more choices during her travels through the wood.
None the less, fit the challenge. Good work, writer. |
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Geezis |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 1:52pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
I wonder why two teenage boys with virtual reality headsets would be playing at Little Red Riding Hood. Seems a bit out of character for me.
Nice wee twist though.
Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 10:33pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Story: Thankful for a 2 pager! Was quick but still packed a lot into the story. Could kind of see what was going to happen because there hadn’t been any sci fi up until almost the very end. Solid stuff.
Characters: Is Grace a character? I guess so – she definitely makes you feel the panic for her and the choices she makes, so thumbs up.
Dialogue: Not much dialogue so nothing really to judge here.
Writing: Overall very good. Nicely crafted action lines and a good setting of the mood and nailing the final twist.
Meeting the challenge: Sort of light on the sci fi front, since VR is already in vogue, so not sure how it works into the challenge here, but I’m being lenient as the writing makes up for it. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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The Moviegoer |
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 8:40am |
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Posts38 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Well written, very evocative – but was predictable and didn’t really fit the brief of showing science and technology leading to horrific consequences. Why would the boy be so scared if he's aware it's a VR game? More of a writing exercise than a story. |
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Pleb |
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 9:12am |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Well done on fitting that all in to 2 pages. The writing was decent with some nice, clear visuals. The end for me was a bit 'meh", but it works in the sense that you were able to meet the requirements by doing so.
Good luck with it. |
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Spqr |
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 11:12am |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
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stevie |
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 8:20pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Picked a couple to read while I have the strength lol. Well written this, and wasn’t sure where it was heading - the mix of future tech and horror as the theme is a tough gig.
Groaned a little at the punchline but it was inventive I guess. So yeah good job |
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LC |
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 11:07pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7584 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Hmm, they're just playing a game - and a rather tame and odd choice of game for two teen guys.
As an audience member I doubt I'd be scared watching this Lara Croft-lite scene.
Argh, did we really need: a growing wet spot on his crotch.
I'm being a bit harsh, sorry.
If they'd signed up to play in an experimental fully immersive horror VR game, aware they were playing it, then perhaps trapped inside it and trying to get back to their real lives, then yeah...
You wrote this nicely but it had the vibe of unreal video game from the get-go. 'Pans to her right and left' is kinda a dead giveaway given it's a film term.
P.S. 'soft duff'? Sounds nice, sorta onomatopoeia. Is it a real word? |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 8:55am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
I doubt this is easily filmable, having a child hanging from a flimsy rope bridge over a canyon while a (presumably) CGI beast stalks her is not cheap.
However, it was really well written and did a remarkable amount in two pages. I saw the obvious Red Riding Wolf angle and thus this screamed out to me that this was Virtual Reality on the first page. As someone else pointed out, VR is the new 'it was all a dream'.
Near future, sci-fi and horror boxes ticked. I just wish you'd taken this further and had four pages to give this a much needed new twist. I suspect time, or lack of it, played a big part but this writer sure knows how to write.
-Mark |
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Conz |
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 11:26am |
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January Project Group
Posts349 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
i can't complain about the writing. short, descriptive, sets the mood.
as far as the overall story? sure whatever, kids playing a VR game or Little Red Riding Hood. i guess the VR portion qualifies as "horror."
this just feels like a scene from something else, moreso than a complete story, but that's probably just a nitpick. |
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ReneC |
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 12:17pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Great writing, visual and a strong horror vibe. The VR element turns something cliché into slightly fresher fare. I, too, dislike the "it was all fake" ending but it works for this, and it's the only way this fits the criteria. I'm also fine with the length, it ended when it should have. More would have diluted it.
My only real beef is there's no story, no character development, no beginning. It pops us into the middle and it ends. It still works for what it is, which basically amounts to a glimpse at the potential of mainstream VR, but that's about it.
Nice job. |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 3:18pm |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
Bravo 2 pages - wish we had more like that.
I think for the VR twist to work there needs to be something else.
I agree the wee spot helped, so to speak, but I wonder whether there needs to be more stakes, once we know it is VR
Interesting one to play around with. |
| My scripts HERE
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
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Heretic |
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 4:08pm |
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January Project Group
LocationVancouver, British Columbia, Canada Posts2023 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
If it's gonna end as a joke, I think the funnier one would be that Marty flails in panic and accidentally pushes Billy out a window.
Either way, what I think this is really missing is the sense that something doesn't go as it should, or that some real decisions are made. Maybe Billy in some way diverges from the game as it's supposed to be played, uses the beast in a way he's not supposed to. I dunno. Currently, the whole story is just that we watch two kids play.
Nicely written. |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 1:34pm |
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Guest User
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Well...2 pages.
Writing is good, but you missed 2 apostrophes near the end - Grace's, and BOYS'.
This is not a story, just a little scene, with a twist thrown in at the end.
There is horror in the script, and although nothing really happens, you write the horror, as in the way you wrote, which is good, as most can't do that to save their miserable lives.
There is future shock, which is revealed at the very end.
There's just so little here, though, it's hard to really grade this.
*** |
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spesh2k |
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 3:21pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Hmm, the whole bridge-shaking sequence is gonna be pricey as shit, but otherwise, the script meets that criteria I guess. I think the tension could've been set up better at the beginning -- perhaps seeing her tiptoe through the woods, trying to be quiet and then she steps on a twig and goes still. Rather than hearing the twig and then being introduced to her. I saw the twist coming because there was absolutely no element of sci-fi in the first page and a half. Especially after seeing that this was only 2 pages long, I figured it was just a VR simulation. It was well written enough. But it didn't really do much for me.
-- Michael |
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JEStaats |
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 3:05pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Yeah, so this was my 20 minute speed challenge with the clock ticking. Of course there were four pages for more but I was lucky to get this done. Appreciate all the feedback and comments. You never know, I might turn this into another three page Hyper Epic. |
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